Oh Deb ..... (((((HUGS!!!!!))))) I am so so sorry you are having such a bad day.... the first several months are the hardest and the grief hits you in waves .... 

My friend just lost her mother a few months ago and she posted this on her FB page. This resonated with me and how I felt after Shelby passed (and my dad too).

http://johnpavl.....-grieving/

Grief sneaks up on you for sure... but we all send you so much love and hugs!!!!

i would also say, please feel free to call our helpline ... we are here to help and just lend a listening ear. I wish I could help more. I really do. I know how badly this hurts. Shelby was my heart, my soul mate, my true love .... Zeus is watching over you. Always.

alison with spirit shelby in her heart (and little jasper too)

What you also must be struggling with (and I know, because I had to deal with this same kind of thing twice, with two different dogs) is that you were given bad vet advice (although, as swiftly as the cancer took Zeus after amputation, it probably wouldn't have made any difference at all), and then your veterinarian was unhelpful when you most needed him. So Zeus's last night was particularly traumatic for you. Believe me, I have been there, and I know how there's an extra layer of suffering when the unfairness of all of this enters into the equation, and when you also feel that professionals in whom you've placed your trust have betrayed that trust.

That's why I suggested grief counseling or a pet loss support group. I really feel as if I would have benefited from something like that when I was going through those dark, dark days of the soul, and I won't hesitate to take advantage of something like that in the future.

I know how that devastating spiral of grief goes...you play everything over and over in your mind like a broken record--all the things you "should have done," how you should have gotten second and third opinions, etc. And the guilt becomes all-consuming.The fact is, the horrible disease of cancer is what took Zeus from you, and that is what is most unfair. You did everything you could for him, and Zeus died knowing how much you loved him. Even if you had done chemo, Zeus would still most likely not be here now. So it is probably a good thing you didn't put him through it.

What helped me...and what I think might help you, too...is to try not to dwell (I know, I know--easier said than done) on Zeus's last moments, but think instead of all the beautiful moments you had together, all the wonderful things you did for him during his lifetime, all the good times you enjoyed with him, and all the love you shared. Those moments should completely dwarf the bad times that happened after cancer came on the scene.

Again, I am so, so sorry. Please, please remember, you are not alone.

So many ((((((hugs)))))xxxx from Nancy & Susie.

I agree.. Nancy... well said. Replaying those memories and the "what ifs" are the worst.... I did that for almost a year (and still have my moments now) with Shelby... since her story to finding her cancer was very misguided and round about ... I was told by the many great souls here that that was futile and to 'Be More Dog ' and live in the moment and at some point, it clicks. 

I wish I had had access to a support group... I didn't look though; thinking I could handle it myself. I also had my blog here that helped me. 

But we are all here for you. Check in with us. We are thinking about you daily. Hugs!

Yeah.... I had a hard time with removing Shelby's stuff.... her beds stayed in the same place for months. Her toys .. also. And the bed that she transitioned on was in my car in the back, back over a year. 

When I got the new sidekick (Jasper)... I did pack up Shelby's favorite toys and put them away so they would preserve her scent. I loved to breathe that in so I could feel close to her. Also, Shelby was a bit of a fashionista ... so her box of clothes stays safe under my bed. The sidekick doesn't get those things. 

However Jasper did select one of Shelby's beds for her favorite and we all think that it is because it smells and feels like love. 

So whatever you do is the right thing. And there is no rush. I left Shelby's bowls on the floors for over a month. Shelby is also one of the "April Angels" of 2014 with Hannah, Ty and others .. so we're coming up on 2 years. It does get easier... 

We love you! 

OMD I thought I was alone in that!  I still have my ❤️ Dog Jakes  collar, food dish & hairbrush with his hair still in it after 18 years now.   His collar still smells like him and gives me comfort.  In my second marriage I came with my dog Jake and John had a dog Ollie.  When Jake died John went out and got me a collie puppy.  I was in no way shape or form ready for that and he named the new one Jake too.  I didn't really care at that time because I was too devasted at my Jakes loss so I didn't even fight him on it.  Of course I did eventually bond with Jake # 2 but it took a while because I felt like I didn't want a "replacement" for the dog that had been with me through thick and thin.  Then a year later his Ollie died.  He found a husky/Sheperd mix at the humane society and yup you guessed it he named this new guy Ollie too.  So we've had Jake # 1 & 2 and Ollie # 1 & 2.  Ollie number 2 is still with us at 16 but Jake # 2 died almost 5 years ago at 12.  This time I waited until my heart told me it was time and I did end up getting another collie.  When John wanted to name this one of course Jake yet again I put my foot down and said a dog deserves his own special name so now we have Riley.  Crazy what you allow to happen when the grief consumes you.  I can guarantee you there will be no more Jakes, Ollies, Maxs or for that matter Riley's again.  I also still have Jake #2s and Ollie # 1s collars and like Bonnie and the others I will keep them forever just because I can.  I know Bob has all of Maxs things too and has yet to vacuum.  If we're crazy we are all crazy together and in excellent company. 😀

Linda, Ollie #2 sad but true, Riley & Spirit Mighty Max