Thank you for asking.  I lurk here just about every day.  I smile at all the dogs and sob, it's a roller coaster.  I know it's hard for everyone and most of you all completely understand.  But being single without kids, Raven was my big companion in life, my best friend, I was never alone.  I feel alone now.

I've dreamt about Raven a lot. The "relief" of the hospice and stress has faded and now I just want him back.  It comes in waves, puttering along in my New Normal routines, but the quiet and stillness of everyday life here gets to me. Like the walking wounded, I just push it back and keep trudging, knowing it will improve with time. 

The other day I was doing dishes. He would lay on that spot in front of the sink and I'd tuck my feet in his warm fur. It just hit me, the empty rug, he's missing, never to return, yet it was so vivid, like if I looked down, he'd be there looking up.  Burst into tears.  The dang sirens that go by and I *always* expect his howl, it always made me smile, now it makes me sad, the silence. And going out to do chores and not having him to invite with me, he loved that. 

I hauled my donkey Chili Sunday and when I'd hook up the trailer, Raven would go nuts. He'd circle the truck trying to get in. He'd hide under the middle so I couldn't get him out to take him to the house. Sometimes I'd let him just sit in the truck while I load up and drive it out to the driveway from the pasture. He'd happily sit in that truck in the driveway for hours.  🙂  Sunday, I did a reflexive, "gotta keep the truck door closed" so he wouldn't get in (because I couldn't get him out)...and it hit me, no dog.  Anywhere. 

I have my senior rescue bulldog Betty to dote over and cuddle.  She's not very mobile, deaf, and mostly blind in her one remaining eye.  And she had a stroke/brain bleed 3 days after Raven died, so that was scarey.  God had mercy on me and she's recovering well.  She's a warm body in bed at night and her antics make me smile.

Last night in my dream I was hugging him the way I always would.  In it I knew it was a dream, so I was clinging and hugging and saying I Love Tou So Much! Because I knew I would wake up soon and he'd be gone...  In my dreams he's a tripawd and I usually know he shouldn't be around and had died and am sooo happy to see him.  I thread my fingers in his fur and see him gazing at me with the adoration he would express through his almond eyes and his stubby tail wagging.   It's so vivid, he can't be gone from this earth, he just can't.  But I know he is. 

I hope to get involved again in time...  I still want to do a tribute video, but just can't get through it yet.

Thanks for asking,

Dawn