I've had Ike since he was only a couple months old, born in August of 2010 and we've been through a lot (alongside his sister from another litter, Hershey, born a week apart but raised together) and he's got a Hemangiopericytoma tumor on his front left leg. I was hoping we could just get the tumor off but because of it's placement and growth rate they have to amputate the entire leg... I'm planning to do it the end of this month/very beginning of Feb. It's a hard choice for a lot of reasons...

For starters, while Ike is not a large dog he is fat. He always has been, since he was little pup. Nothing I've done has changed this in all the years I had him and he doesn't over eat much anymore (I feed a little in the morning, then dinner at night). And since his hypothyroidism was caught 2 years ago, he doesn't get table scraps of any kind. I'd take him for walks but the area I live in is pretty bad with dogs running loose that I don't feel safe taking him out and about. And to top it all off, I live up stairs so he has to climb stairs just to get in and out. I've discussed it with the vet so I know how this can complicate things but I would do anything I could for Ike. I nearly lost him to anaphylactic shock once a couple years ago and had to rush him to an emergency vet in the middle of the night... I didn't give up on him then, and I won't do it now. But I know it'll be hard on him...

Along with that, he's agitated his tumor so much that he's not got two open sores on it. The vet knows and has given me ointments to care for it, but nothing is working. I spray it with hydrogen peroxide, put on some antibacterial ointment, some of the vet ointment, keep it clean, but it won't stop. It smells so bad. And now he's begun limping. I almost started crying right then. I'm doing all I can to keep him good until the surgery but I can't stand watching him suffer like this. I want nothing more than to just get it done and have him heal, but I can't get my work vacation yet to watch over him. And I don't have any support network to watch him in my stead.

But another issue is that I'm poor. I mean, I live right at or under the poverty line and can hardly pay rent. I just paid off last months electricity because I finally got the cut off notice. Things are looking up because I'm getting good hours at work (though only at 10 per hour) and I finished my associates in Med Admin and got CPC certified, so I'm watching the job market closely. But right now, I'm still on food stamps, live from check to check, and well... I don't have much anywhere to turn. My dad died back in 2007 and my mom died almost 2 years ago. I have a brother who lives a couple states away but we were never horribly close. The last time I saw him was when my mom was still alive in the hospital. So I feel pretty alone in these things. I'm doing my best but it still hurts and what not. And watching Ike suffer because I can't get him the best possible treatment (such as a prosthetic) make me feel like trash. And all these bills, these meds, paying ubers to get to our vet, I'd do it without a second thought but it makes things so tight.

I'm powering through it and hoping Ike can hold on until the end of the month. I won't be able to get my vacation until then to watch over him. And even if it puts me into debt, he's getting the surgery. I'll be there for him. I just... I hope I'm doing to right thing. I hope he'll be okay.

I love him so much.

I know most of this is rambly but I just have. Nowhere else to really vent it.