Oh my gosh, WHAT to say!  Such powerful emotions and insight going on here.  I'm very impressed.

LORI

I know what you mean.  My Dad used to shut off like your husband, basically because he couldn't handle the raw emotion.  It would tear him apart.  We forget that it is still more "socially acceptable" for women to show emotion than men and, as a result of that, a lot of men just aren't used to gut wrenching emotional pain.  It's overwhelming for anyone but if you've been through it before you know you'll live and things will get better.  If you don't usually let yourself go to that deeply sad place, it must feel like the end of the world is upon us.  Lol.  I shouldn't laugh.  In my opinion the hard thing is to honor yourself and what YOU need to live with yourself and heal, rather than deferring to what someone else needs.  I used to always put my emotional needs aside because raw emotion upset my Dad so much. Needless to say, I WAS THE ONE who suffered not him!!

ALISON

Yes, yes, yes - oh how I can relate!  My mother died when I was 17 and, like you, it was extremely crazy hard for me to trust and let my guard down with anyone - even friends!  I got married for the first time at 47 and frankly, I'm pretty sure it never ever would have happened if I didn't meet someone who basically forced me to ride the wave.  As soon as I started to feel really vulnerable in relationships, I'd bail out thinking it wasn't meant to be and there must be someone else out there who wouldn't make me feel that way.  In the beginning I tried that with Gregg, several times in fact, but each time he chased me down and pretty much forced me to work through it - to ride the wave with him, so to speak. That was HARD, very hard.  I had one therapist - the brilliant one who actually helped me - tell me that when someone under 25 loses a parent (apparently that's when your brain switches from child to adult), the brain processes the event as abandonment and the person ends up fearing that same type of loss in other relationships (intimate and non).  I thought that was weird b/c I had a fabulous mom who never ever would have abandoned me.  But after I learned that info, over time I realized the therapist was right and I was able to take baby steps towards overcoming those emotions in all my relationships.  I still kind of suck at it but I'm a thousand times better than before.  And I'm SURE the incredible pain I've felt losing Jersey Girl is all this stuff coming up all over again.  The human mind is an incredible thing, is it not?  I'm so glad there are people who study it and can shed light on our seemingly crazy inner-workings!

Much love to you both!

Claudia and Angel Jersey Girl

Claudia - WOW... that is very interesting what your therapist had to say and makes perfect sense. My mother (a non-therapist) has often said that it is clear that I suffer from abandonment issues and assume everyone - romantic or not - is going to leave me so I put up big walls. Which seems the opposite of how I present myself (friendly, welcoming, open) but deep down, I do keep most people at arm's length to protect myself on some subconscious level. And to hear you got married at 47 gives me HOPE since I have long figured I will never get married which is a sad reality to me since that's all I ever really wanted - was to be married (no kids, never really wanted those). I think I can open up more here because it's online and somewhat anonymous.

Elizabeth - same here ... I always trusted Shelby to always be there for me and I don't at all feel abandoned by her. I feel sad that she is no longer here. But she didn't leave me because she didn't love me - she left because she was sick and she's still very much in my soul. 

Mother's day was a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. It's a cold harsh reality that you're no longer a mom. I spent most of the day in tears in my bed. I don't get it but the mind works in weird ways ... I'm a smidge beter today but still off my game. Trying to shake some sense into me! 

Hugs and love to you all!  

Oh my, oh my, oh my!!!!!

Elizabeth - I'm so sorry to hear that you were parent-less by 16.  That's way WAY too much trauma and loss for someone so young.  You're obviously an incredibly loving person.  All those kudos go to you, what an inspiration!  I agree with you, pets fill our lives in crazy good ways.  Sometimes I think I'd be fine with animals and no one else. Hahahaha, probably not really but it seems that way some times.  They're amazing companions and, frankly, my Jersey Girl fulfilled every last ounce of maternal instinct I ever had.  Lol.  Oh how great it would be if people could just love love love like dogs!

Alison - YES!  That wall is all about control and you are not alone!  The more we can control, organize, plan, study and "predict" the less likely we are to be surprised and devastated by loss.  PM me if you want to discuss more.  I'm no expert but I've shed more than my fair share of tears over my lifetime.  If my experiences can help you in any way, I'm very very happy to share and discuss.  

Lori - Sending you a warm hug.  I'm so sorry you feel such deep loss.  Your Ty Guy was a true gem - IS a true gem.  I do believe he's still with you, just keep talking to him and keeping him in your days.  If the spirit moves you to do it, watch Long Island Medium, Sunday nights on TLC at 8pm Eastern (marathon reruns on just about daily, look for when).   Once you've got a few episodes under your belt I suspect you'll feel some comfort.  Ty IS with you.  Dogs DO go to heaven and their spirits watch over us with our departed loved ones.   Oh and for what it's worth, I vote you go get another Lab - for YOU and your granddaughter to love up!!!!  Ticking off your kids and hubby is a bit of a compelling reason too!  

Claudia and Angel Jersey Girl