Dear Kristen,

Genie left me a year ago May 20.  I still cry every so often.  Surrounded by people who don't have a clue on how much Genie meant to me doesn't help either.

"Are you going to get a new dog?"  The question has really started getting into my nerves.   Excusez moi, I just lost my 13-year-old, and you asked me if I was going to get a new child?   As if it was a car which was just totaled in an accident; hey, what make are you going get this time!

There has been ups and downs emotionally, but there actually were more downs than ups.  Sometimes I thought I was doing well, but only for a short while, then I could spiral down without myself even knowing.

I have kept a journal called Without Genie, (today is day #385), in there I have documented my thoughts, my struggles, my feelings of each of my days without her.  I miss her; I think of her everyday; I long for holding her warm furry body for just once more, just once more... is that too much to ask?  I smile when I think of the silly things she did, but then the next minute I sink into the brutal reality.

I guess I would have taken her departing better had I known of the possibility of bone mets.  It was my ignorance that I concentrated too much on her lungs.  The clear and clean chest x-ray gave me a false sense of secure.  One month after the x-ray, bone mets took her from me.  It came like a thief at night, quickly and quietly, over a long weekend.  It left me no choice, no time to think, but to make the painful call, and said goodbye to her quickly.

I have tried associating some unusual things to her Heavenniversay, that makes me feel that she is telling me that she is doing great up there... 

On her 6-month Heavenniversary, she partied big time up there that the tripawd gang sent a meteor flashing above our province, lit up the northern prairie sky.  On her 1st Heavenniversary, 13 people on the 13th floor in the same company I work in, won the 3rd largest amount of lottery in Canadian history; one of the winners was celebrating 13th wedding anniversary.  Wicked eh?  It would have been even better if I was one of the winners; I was nine floors that close.  Oh well, I never bought lottery anyways; I felt good already because it happened so close to home on her Heavenniversary. 

Yes, if I think that she is constantly sending me exciting news on those special dates, I am feeling a lot better already.  I still cry, but I will feel better afterwards, then I will cry again.

Kristen, I don't have any useful advices to offer, as I am still struggling.  But sometimes I wonder, why would I want to try so hard to cope with it?  If I need to struggle that hard, that means I am not ready yet. 

Love,
Jessie

Kristen,

It has been just a little over 2 months since we said goodbye to Wrigley and I still cry when I think of her. Sometimes they are happy tears because I am reminded of something silly that she used to do and sometimes they are tears of great sadness because I can't believe she is gone. I don't think you ever get over the loss, but I do think in time, the pain is not as strong. Each day I try and find something, some message that Wrigley is sending me from the other side. Somedays I am pretty amazed. I also keep a journal - I have titled it " Letters To Wrigley" and I make entries in the form of  letter to her. Somedays I  just tell her about what has been going on since she left, somedays I tell her how I don't know how I can live without her, but each time it allows me to get those feelings out and release them so they don't consume me.

The biggest thing that keeps me going is faith. Faith and the belief that there is a greater source out there that has a far greater purpose for me than I can imagine. That all of the creatures that I am blessed to have come through my life are really not mine, but just on "loan" for a bit to teach me one more lesson. This doesn't mean I  don't get madder than hell when I have to give one of them back- I am really selfish sometimes... I don't like to give them back. It is really a test of this faith.

Over the last 15 years we have said good bye to 2 dogs, 5 cats, 2 horses and a 2 dogs and cat that I only had for a very short time as they came to me as "strays" in horrible condition. It has never gotten any easier, and I think by far Wrigley's was the hardest because of the very emotional and exhausting fight of the cancer.

A few of these good byes came with some situations that helped develop this faith.

When I put my second horse down, not too long after the first (I am sure his health failed because of the loss of his partner) I of course was devastated. But that night I had  dream. This was over 10 years ago and today I can very vividly remember that dream. The dream was I was standing at the edge of a white pasture fence. At the other end of the pasture were the tallest redwood trees as green as you could imagine. As I looked across the field I saw my first horse Venita, galloping across the pasture, just as she reached the middle I saw my other horse John gallop up to her until they  met and then they galloped of together. When I shared this with a "very wise  and spirital " woman I know, she said, wow, how lucky you are, you just got a glimpse of thier heaven. From that moment I knew there was a rainbow bridge and it wasn't that far away.

One of the stray dogs that came into my life for a very short time was  a beautiful Blue Tick Coonhound. ( Well he wasn't so beautifu when I first found him, but was when I said goodbye) . I found him out in the middle of nowhere on the way out to the barn where I kept my horses. As I drove down the old dirt road, all of sudden there in the middle of the road was this dog. He was emaciated and looked horrible. At first I stopped, got out and he started to run off. I  started to leave ( partially thinking, I can't deal with this right now) but then turned around- I couldn't leave him. I got back out. Called to him, and he came to me. He stunk like skunk, was filthy, covered in fleas and ticks. I put him in the car, went and rode, then took him home. I gave him a bath, removing 12 ticks, fed him a meal. He lived like a king for a few days, getting fed real food, sleeping in a real bed, going for walks each day... as I searched for a home. After a while I took him to the vet for a more thorough exam that showed he had  heartworm. He eventually had to be put down. I was really angry... I cursed at God not understanding why he would do this. When I shared this anger with the same woman, she just kind of looked at me and said " have you ever thought that maybe that is one of God's purposes for you - to give his creatures the happiest final days here on earth. Without you that dog would have died alone in the field of starvation, or disease, but you gave him dignity, and joy as he crossed over.

We also had a beagle that came into our life for a week. She was very ill when I found her running down the road, and when I took her to the vet and was told she was very sick and probably would live much longer, knowing that maybe she too was sent to get some final days of joy, I took her home, gave her a bath, fed her like a queen, took her to every baseball game the kids had, let her live it up and then finally sent her on her way to the bridge.

Whether I had them for 15 years or 5 days, it was always very hard to say good bye. I still cry sometimes when I am reminded about one of them. But then I remind myself of why they were here. What did I get from them. Wrigley especially changed so much for our entire family. She really came with a purpose and a lesson for all of us. I feel I would really be letting her down, if I did not continue to live by what she taught us and honor her in that way. I remind myself that she is really only gone physically and that her spirit is still with me and always will be.

We did get another dog. We have always had 2 dogs. We were worried about Rookie's health after Wrigley left and felt he needed a companion again. We found a little rescue that reminds us very much of Wrigley. I believe she was hand picked by Wrilgey for us. At first it was hard for me to accept her.. I would get mad sometimes, thinking you shouldn't be here, Wrigley should. Then I told myself, this dog is here to give me the same unconditional love Wrigely did and I need to do the same for her.  Willow has filled that little piece of my heart that left with Wrigley. I still miss Wrigley, but I know she will forever be with me.

I also kept a journal of letters to my best friend after she died, which helped tremendously.  Her mom was kind enough to give me her favorite necklace and ring.  I wore the ring tied to my wedding dress, because she would have been my maid of honor.  Then I put her ring on a chain and wore it around my neck.  I know things are just things but it helped me a little to have something she treasured on me at all times.  It also helped to email and talk with her mom (whom I had never met before she died).  

My now husband let me keep him up til the middle of the night (many times) at his apartment and keep making me hot tea and listen to whatever I had to say.  I had to have my mom come up to my place (I lived alone with my 2 furbabies) and spend the night with me the day it happened.  I even had her sleep in my bed with me.  

I had a very hard time with her death.  I started drinking just to forget and did that every night for a month; I was numb.  

The biggest thing that helped me was God.  I wasn't 'into' God at that time, but my husband started teaching me a lot.  After Angel got hit by the car and we didn't know if she was going to make it, I just prayed for God to stay with me and let me lean on Him.  I wanted to drink the pain away, but instead depended on God to get me through.  

I guess my advice would be that it's OK to grieve and there's no time limit.  If you can't function or have thoughts of hurting yourself, get profession help.  But there's nothing wrong with grieving.  Keep talking to us and people that understand your love of your furbaby.  Some people like to make a slideshow of his life, plant something beautiful, write a memorial, anything that helps you remember the wonderful love you shared together.  If you are religious, ask God to hold you up during this painful time.  Keep talking to us. It doesn't matter what you have to say, just get it out and we'll always show support.  

Love Ruth and Angel

A few weeks ago, when Angel was at her worst, I came to a realization.  I had always questioned why dogs live such short lives compared to humans.  Then I got it!  It's so THEY don't have to feel the pain and fear when WE die and they are left alone.  We bear the pain of losing them so they are spared the pain of losing us.  

And like many have said, all creatures belong to God and He will take them home whenever he wants them.  

Bless you,

Ruth and Angel

Kristen,

  From my point of view, I feel you never really stop grieving over the loss of your precious fur baby. As humans, we learn to cope with the loss and we each have different defense mechanisms to learn to deal with their absence.

Losing Buster , was one of the hardest loses so far in my life. Even though once I knew the cancer had spread( it was only a matter of time, that I would have to say goodbye)  I still feel as though I lost a part of  myself on that day, he departed. My connection with him was truly at a soulful level, that people would comment how they could tell the mood I was in before they walked in the door if Buster greeted them first.

I will never, ever be able to replace that kind of bond I had with him. However, I have left a door to my heart open. I know each dog has something truly unique to offer and perhaps teach me.

Prior to Busters passing, on our daily trips to the dog park. Buster was especially social toward other dogs there. (even if I wasn't in the mood to socialize) In his own way he opened up my eyes to the joys of having such a heaven sent creature as a dog. Each one Buster would greet had something special about them. In his own way he was telling me Mom, ” I want you to be happy, and having a dog in my life is part of this”.

This is part of the wonder of my beloved Buster. Because of  him, I will continue to love like I will never get hurt, because that is what he would of wanted.

Kim & Angel Buster