I feel your pain Alex. It's like you are writing for me too.  This grief stuff is the worst feeling in the world and I know what you mean when you say "Nothing is as good without her here".  And those "what ifs" can drive you crazy.

As always Jerry has come up with a real gem of wisdom..." ….when you get sad that she is gone, just think what if she had never come into your life at all? What if you had missed out on so many good times together?". 

Try and hold onto those thoughts. I'm going to write them down and look at them every time I'm feeling particularly blue about my little girl.  We were very lucky to have our girls in our lives and to have known their love.  So many other people and dogs never get to experience that beautiful bond.  Holly was lucky to have loved you and you were lucky to have loved her. What if you had never known that love?  What if Holly had never known that love?

I wish I could help take away some of your pain but I know that I can't.  Just know that we are always here for you.

Karen and Spirit Magnum

It is important to mark this time, in my book anyway, because for me it helped me to see that I can get past the pain, one day at a time.

As far as "what if's" goes, everyone plays that game.  I look back now with my vision being 20/20 and see the things I should have done, could have done.  All I can say is that I did the best I could at the time with the info I had and the feelings I felt.  I don't beat myself up anymore, it doesn't feel good and it does no good for my memory of my very best love. 

 I don't want to remember him with guilt, just a pure sense of joy.  I work hard to find that in my heart because I don't want anything to mar the gift that he was to me.  A wonderfully magical boy, full of life and love, he was and is my heart. 

I thought back problems were what was taking him from me too, I know how awful that felt.  In the end it doesn't really matter if cancer did it, or if it was his back, his neck, the end result is the same. 

Our kids are gone, but if we are careful and listen to our hearts their lives and their loves will be forever in our hearts without guilt, pain, judgement.  Just the joy of who they are.  That is what I think they want, for us to remember their love, their being, their wonderful selves, not how they had to leave us.

Elizabeth, Sammy's mom 

I dont have much to add. We are also at the one month mark...I think the only thing keeping me sane is my other dog Koa. He has really stepped to the plate and become my best little buddy...i have also plated the what if games, and i always have the same conclusion. The whole thing sucks unbelievably but there truly was just nothing more we could do. Take comfort that you did everything you could....

So sorry for your grief. I think I know exactly what you mean when you feel frustrated that she managed so much with the cancer and then had to be put to sleep for another reason. My first dog, a bullmastiff, got osteosarcoma in a front leg. She got operated with a limb sparing technic. Anyway, everything went very well, but after just a year she must have swallowed something sharp. It made a hole in the bowel and she had a severe peritonitis and had to be put to sleep on the operation table. It was devastating. So much struggle and then something like that happens. But you always have to be happy for the days you get with your loved ones. We think of you and send lots of hugs!