They did an ultrasound prior to amputation and saw a mass on the spleen and on the liver.  They did a cytology test -- I think it's just an ultrasound guided thin needle biopsy-like test.  The liver they said was an "old dog liver" which is a benign condition.  The spleen was inconclusive, which I think it's pretty common for that test.  Both the oncologist and the vet said I should go ahead with amputation based on those things.. and that the spleen is not related to the leg -- that was before they sent out the leg for biopsy and got the result of hemangiosarcoma... So we know there is a mass on the spleen, which is most likely hemangiosarcoma, although no way to be certain without removing the spleen.  There is a small chance it's an unrelated benigh tumor, but that doesn't change the fact that he still has hemangiosarcoma.. 

He seems more comfortable today.. I took him to the park and he just laid there looking and sniffing around, I don't think he's in pain.. I do think he has gotten weaker and can barely walk, I don't think he has enough strength to even attempt to poop.. I could be wrong.  I'm not sure but I think the gums started getting more pale today, possibly after the vet poked around his belly yesterday..   Still eating, but just a tiny tiny little bit.. I feel like objectively putting him through another surgery is not the right decision, but then of course there is always the subjective "what if.."..  I might just ask the vet what to do, since he seems to be willing to answer the "what if this was your dog" question.. 

Thank you Sally..

I think the fear of the vet does come into play, but at the same time I feel like it's more about my guilt, me having to live with it after, because in the grand scheme of things.. yes, we all want a peaceful death, but I think it matters much more how you live than how you die.. And realisticlly death is rarely a peaceful, painless process.. 

It is a really good idea about giving him a sedative before going, I will ask. 

We did call the vet today to ask him to see if we can go through with the splenectomy and whatever comes of it.. Waiting for him to call back.   Well, to be honest I asked my boyfriend to call because I'm worried of bursting into tears during this conversation.. ugh, I really wish I had more control over myself right now. 

The antibiotic and poop meds did make him feel better somewhat -- it looks like the fever is gone, but he still barely eats, barely moves and wakes up in the middle of the night with what looks like pain or some sort of discomfort.. and seems to only calm down after I give him pot butter. Which now i'm thinking also lowers blood pressure, probably not good considering he is likely bleeding.. although if it happens to actually kill him in his sleep it probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, especially considering that that seems to be the only time he actually sleeps.

The gums do look pale, not white, but I'm pretty sure he's anemic. I can't quite tell about capillary refill Who knows what sorts of trouble that enourmous spleen is causing at this point.. I also noticed occasional hiccups, which I think means it's starting to press on his diaphragm.. And today he had a bout of violent sneezing, dont know what that means.. 

I'm trying not to think about what happens if he does make it through the surgery, I don't think my brain can handle that right now, but at least this is some sort of decision.. 

Thank you everyone, it is so helpful to hear from you, since I feel like I'm starting to go crazy. 

I do think you guys understand, and I'm sure it all doesn't sound crazy to you, but you know what it's like when being out in the world -- a lot of people don't necessarily understand the amount of sadness and grief this situation creates.  I've watched my mom die a slow painful death from cancer and no, I'm not trying to say it was easier -- it was definitely one of the most difficult things in life, but there are some differences that don't make it quite as taxing.. First, especially if we have siblings, it's not all up to us, we don't have to make this sort of decisions.. well, we do occasionally but we don't own them to such an extent and they are usually not quite as "life and death".  Second, we all expect our parents to go before us, and yes, we expect to outlast our dogs too, but the unnatural thing here is that dogs do act on our maternal instinct and so totally completely reliant on us, it is more like losing a child.  Also, Fred has been my only social constant in the last 12 years since I don't really keep in touch with my family and I'm not the easiest person to deal with in general and I don't really have a lot of friends. I think my boyfriend is getting exhausted by my mental state, which I guess is understandable, and keeps asking me "what's wrong" which makes me even more upset. On the other hand, I know I need his sanity right now.  Also, Fred seems to almost sort of hate me, because I'm like the parent and my boyfriend is the grandparent. I give him all the pills and clean his ears and do all the things that need to be done that he doesn't like and never leave him alone.. Now I noticed that he won't even take food from me (of course this is largely due to the fact that he no longer has an appetite), but will take the same food from others, because I think he suspects that I stuff pills into everything!  I started covering them with coconut butter, freezing them and then covering them with peanut butter and then putting them on the back of his tongue, which so far works better than anything else.. They are anti-nausea pills so he needs to take them.. 

I am definitely going to ask the vet to stay with Fred until he goes under, and will try my best to make it peaceful. I probably need a sedative as well. The vet has been very good with us so far.. And I do trust him to make the final decision.. he seems to care and he's been doing what he's doing for probably 50 years or so. He is close to 80, lives right next to his practice and the other vets say he gets up every night at 3 am to check on everyone. 

And you are right -- to be able to make things peaceful and to be able to stop suffering, that is a huge deal..

Thank you again for all your advice -- I have taken a lot of it, the cerenia pills, the stroller, etc.. and for listening and understanding. It means so much right now.

Unfortunately, I do think I have failed miserably at being more like dog. 

Thank you for all the kind words, Sally..

I wish I could be more like you, even though you're not a dog.

🙂

Here are some pictures of Fred

https://www.fac.....54defb4c12