2 days ago, I had to let my beautiful Neka go, and though for months I had my head and heart wrapped around where we would be I was at peace, Ever since the pericardial window in december and HSA diagnosis, I knew what lied ahead, but I was not prepared for this.

A month ago many of you know Neka started growing a small oral mass, and to control it I had it shaved off and sent out, then treated with a Co2 laser to hopefully buy us some control time; not that sending it out was super relevant at this stage, but its nice to know exactly where we are at. So 2 weeks ago, I had it re-lasered as of course it grew back, and she was still doing well, the occasional increase being winded but doing so so well.

On thurs 24th, I took her in and he lasered the oral area, in and out in 30mn, the first time only took 10mn, but this time he was a bit more aggressive to buy us more time. Even thought the mass was not bothering her, the idea was dont wait until its out of control and to do it while she is still "healthy". He allowed her to stay very groggy for me on the ride home, because its kind of far, but of course she fought it in the car and sat with one leg on floor and butt on the seat(her favorite position). Getting home was uneventful, and she slept the rest of the day, mostly due to him allowing her to still be so doped up for me. that night I fed her some ground turkey and her regular food and to my fault I totally gave her too much, I kind of got over zealous, but since she had fasted the whole day, I like to keep her nutrition level up with the whole cancer situation, well it bit me in the butt like middle of the night, she totally puked it alllll up, oops.. I felt soooo bad, then it gave her diarrhea, because you know how like when you puke it messes up the other end too. uug.. I felt so bad.. So just for precaution, I gave her some zofran, (nice going mom, made me sick, I had done that one other time a few years ago too.. oops, ) well her diarrhea got kind of bad so by sat 2 days I gave her some metronizidol, I just messed up her system.. damnit mom..

So back track the day after the procedure, that would be fri, for some reason she could not stand or walk, Im like whaat is going on, her from end could but her back end totally crumbled, and front end had instability. I became worried that her RBC and platelet levels may have dropped, having a rxn to anesthesia or who knows what, I ran her into a local guy, gave him her story in a nut shell and he drew blood, crazy thing, all her RBC and platelets were normal.. wow,, HSA with normal RBC count.. but her WBC was so highly elevated like 38k, vet felt maybe shes fighting an infection of some known origin and he rxed antibiotics because she also was running a low grade fever, which also triggered me to take her in.

well by next day fever was down and she seemed slightly more perky, still had some diahhrea, God bless her for never having and accident and still asking to go outside. I emailed the vet that did the procedure told him what was going on and sent him the labs, he said he felt that it wasnt indicative of an infection, based on something with the lean of the bars,(cant remember how that works) but he did say he was concerned maybe she had a heart arrhythmia, causing the malaise, aah could make sence, she did have a tumor and maybe the anesthesia triggered it, even thought it was a short procedure.

So I took her back into him on tues, 4-5 days after the original procedure to have an EKG, which to our suprise was still normal, only a very elevated HR and elevated RR, but not labored just very rapid, he asked to take chest xrays, of course I agreed. The results, wow, her whole chest was full of metastatic spread... wow.. it was everywhere.  His theory that she may have been borderline weak going into the procedure and with the mets her heart is working faster to replenish the o2 level return on RBC causing the weakness. 

Mind you when i say weakness, its not being able to walk, but totally sitting there happy and alert. So in my mind and he agreed as long as she still comfortable and im ok, just keep her happy, I was good with that. sad, frustrated but ok, so we enter another stage of our journey. I did mention how she had decreased appetite  and he offered another stimulant but I said the zofran was still working good, she just wanted yummy things not her normal food. which no problem.

Then over the next couple days she had weaker moments as the week progressed couldnt hold up with her front end or back end in a static stand, so I was suspending her with her harness, (BTW ruffwear would have be better for progressed dog assistance, "help-me up" didnt work so well at this stage) because God bless her she still held her bodily functions until I took her outside, if you missed her signal she did have an accident, but I put a bloomer on her just in case, so no worries.

by fri I noticed decrease in in drinking and less interest infood, i supplemented with sub cut fluids, (oh and to back track, the weekend she had diahhrea I also supplemented with fluids, figure it cant hurt to support her) She started having some vocal episodes, which seemed liker her getting frustrated for change of position, but I didnt know if it was pain or just anxiety from being weaker, I did pain meds and at night if she got bad I did like 1/4 sedative and shed sleep smooth and peaceful...I knew we were in hospice stage, I just wanted to keep her comfortable.. but then the vocal episodes increased and lasted longer despite meds...

Sun she kind of perked up and some more, but was still weaker than she had been, at night increased vocals, not crying but odd bark, with turned head, I wondered if it was a mental episode. by monday night, it got worse, took longer to subside, I made the decision to call some one out to the house to help her cross... but something in my head something in my body didnt understand, this type of cancer and location should not have been painful, it should have just shut her down, nothign hurt when you poked her and she liked the touch and comfort still, as she lay there right when the vet came to the house, I ran through her history and something came to my mind, could she have just been dehydrated, I noticed how her eyes were a bit more sunken than normal, and a couple days ago I thought it ws more muscle atrophy, but then I remember thats a dehydration thing, even though I was giving sub cut fluids 500-1000ml per day not every day but at least 4x. The vet said theres so much going on with her its hard to know, I was just emotional at this point, all this time I was thinking she would go on her own, the vet listened to her heart and lungs and said they sound ok, but just very rapid... I was like really.??

So we let her go, her vein blew out and we needed to do a second location, uug... So I let her go and then, and then all those thoughts rush into my head.... wait.. wait... her symptoms reminded me of dehydration.... I had a dog 15yrs go that had dehyration with unbalanced electrolytes and she got vocal and weak like this... did I just kill my dog over dehydration??? not cancer!!!

I started  to replay the past week and  symptoms.... maybe the trigger of diarrhea spiraled her where she couldnt have recovered with out IV support, but when I took her in, it was too mild to detect, the longer she drank less with the original symptoms she just kept getting weaker.... even with sub cut if they are too off balanced they it wont help the same.. then I though of her vocals and symptoms and then the eyes being sunken.. thats like dehydration 101... how did I miss that, How could I have not been able to step back.. so now I killed her over that before her natural time....

yes yes.. I did so much for her, people keep saying, but what good is that if I missed something so simple that could have been treated.... what was suppose to be a peaceful cross over, a comfort to all that was done til her end, has become, me feeling like I missed something and consequently terminated her life for comfort, yet the comfort could have been proper fluids. Im a rational person, yet there is nothing rational about this, and I cant shake it... I just cant shake it... I was prepared for the end, but not a mistake, that I will have to hold with me forever.... we fought all this time, for me to have this... to deprive her of more quality time, because I was too emotionally stuck... something in my gut kept telling me something wasnt adding up, but I was trying to accept it at face value, until that exact moment she lay there and the 2 weeks ran through my head, I didnt listen to it.

coping with loss is one thing, coping with a mistake is another....completely devastated.