today is a better day for me mentally.  the dissappointment that everything we have done didn't work is still there. because of my nature i will always wonder and think what if.  but feel like i have done everything right by dozer.  he has been waking be up about 4 am the last few weeks for various reasons.  this morning we had a moment.  i know you all understand  when your dog tells you they know what's going on and they are okay.  i know he doesn't have the 2 months the vet said on friday.  he has gotten so much weaker in the past 2 days.  he barks and whines until i am next to him trying to fugure out what he wants..food, water, etc.  to figure out he just wants to lay his head in my lap.  so sweet and sad too, he's still trying to take care of me.   we are currently in the front yard as dozer has to drink out of the "magic" water bowl.  the one inside isn't good enough, gotta love their quirks.

yes the stress over appointments, chemo, supplements, and side effects is over.  there is peace in that. 

 i have had dogs my whole life. dozer is my fourth saint.  but i have never had one die of cancer, so i have been blessed that way.  what makes it so hard is dozer is one of "those dogs" for me.  the special ones people make monuments for.  not only has he enriched my life but of everyone that has met or read about him, he has a huge facebook fanclub between my page and my husband's.  this was a dog that was considered usless and going to get a bullet in the head.  he has made rounds at the hospital with me and is such a favorite that repeat patients and their famlies ask me where or how he is and if he is coming by.  he even changed administration's opinion about pet therapy in the hospital. not to mention what he has done for big dog's reputation and awareness about puppy mills. 

i know i am not alone in my grief.  thanks everyone for knowing where i am coming from and guiding me through.  your responses are precious to me.