Oh Alison, I TOTALLY understand. Reading your last two posts just resonated with me.  I can really relate because I felt/feel the same way.  I didn't get out of bed until 1pm a couple of days after we said goodbye to Libby.  That's unheard of for me.  I couldn't eat, I had diarrhea (sorry if that's tmi), I was nauseous for days.  It's such a permanent feeling of loss.  The weather has been beautiful here too and I told my husband I just feel like she should be able to come back and enjoy it. I can't stand to squeak her favorite balls, even if I'm doing it to play with Sammie.  I will add though, it DID help to have Sammie here.  We had never had 2 dogs at once before but it did help.  Sammie isn't Libby but still.....

You do what you need to get through.  The days will drag and you won't know what to do with yourself because your normal routine has suddenly come to a standstill, but you will get through it because you're stronger than you realize even though it doesn't feel like it right now.  

Lots of hugs and love,

Amy & Spirit Libby

Oh Alison, you have been on my mind day and night but I haven't been able to write you until now because of crappy wifi on the road.  I am soooooo sorry that your physical journey with Shelby is over!  So very very sorry.  I know, I know, I knoooooow how much you dreaded this day and how bloody agonizing the pain is.  We all know it's inevitable but that doesn't make it one bit easier.  In fact, I think caring for a pet with cancer creates a tighter bond and makes 'moving on' that much harder.  You said you feel like you've been kicked in the stomach and that's how I described it too.  You body is in shock, it's literally hard to breath and you feel like you can barely move much less resume a normal life.  We're still struggling and today marks 2 months since we lost Jersey Girl.  I know, that doesn't sound like good news.  I can tell you that the kicked in the stomach feeling does go away.  And the constant flow of tears lessens too. But just the other day Gregg and I were having lunch at a restaurant bar and he started reminiscing about Jersey's quirky personality traits and how much he misses this or that about her.  Well on goes the faucet, I'm BAWLING at the bar!  I finally had to say, 'honey, I love that you're talking about this but you have to stop because I can't keep it together'!  It's hard.  Really hard.  We've mourned more over losing Jersey Girl than over losing our parents!!  Is that bad?  It feels bad.  But it's TRUE!   I'll be honest, you've been on my mind because I worry about you living alone.  Sometimes just the distraction of other people around you can ease the pain because you're forced to take your mind off it.  I'm not sure what to say about forcing yourself to socialize.  On the one hand it would create that distraction and give you a break, but on the other hand it's good to be true to yourself and let yourself feel what you feel.  I guess if you feel like you want to shower in a week or so, then it might be good to get out just for that break.  You'd have to PROMISE not to whip yourself if you forgot about Shelby for a few minutes though.  I say that because that's how I feel when I forget about Jersey Girl for a period of time - like I'm betraying her or dismissing away our time together.  I start thinking that if I let these breaks happen too often then I might actually forget about her entirely!  I don't know if you or anyone else feels this way.  When I'm not emotional I can see this is crazy talk but at the time I think I'm making perfect sense.  Whaaaaat?  NO!  Not true for me.  Not true for you!

Ok, EVERYTHING you're feeling and doing is totally normal so please stop whipping yourself.  You can go back to showering, eating healthy, exercising and venturing outside when the shock wears off.  Would you have told Shelby 2 days after her amputation to "just get over it kid"?   (This example assumes a human Shelby, of course, since dogs don't dwell).  I mean SERIOUSLY, you'd never do that to her so don't do it to yourself.  I love love love that you're sleeping with Shelby's toys!!  Um, do you remember me saying I slept on Jersey Girl's pillow for a month?  I also sport her post-amputation t-shirt to bed every night!  I know, not so sexy.  Haha.  And Bonnie's been sleeping with Polly's coat under her pillow.  Amy won't vacuum fur off the front seat of her car.  Rene periodically unseals a baggie to inhale the scent of Jerry.  H-E-L-L-O, if you're off then so are the rest of us.  Keep doing it until you feel like you don't need to do it anymore.  It's ok.  

I think it's normal to talk to Shelby too.  Unless, of course, talking to an k9 angel makes me a nut too.   It helps, I really really think it helps!  I'm constantly talking out loud to Jersey Girl throughout the day..."Good morning sunshine", "I love you baby girl", "Mommy misses you baby girl".  And many times I say these things while running my finger over her nose in a picture.  Or while kissing a heart I have with her name on it.  Gregg does it too. He talks to her urn which has a picture of her on it.  His comments are more along the lines of "Hi Jersey Girl", "Where's the bird?", "Get the ball Jersey Girl, get it, get it".  Hahahaha.  Every time we're at the beach, a pond or a pool Gregg ALWAYS says, Jersey Girl would have loved this, she'd be digging, diving or whatever by now.  He's the one who had me write down all her quirky little behaviors into a journal so we would be sure to never ever forget them.  See, men do it too.  

Ok, I'm getting far too long winded, like I always do.  Sorry.  I'll say goodnight now.  I just wanted you to know that I'm sending you a big hug and praying for your pain to lessen quickly.  It's agony, I know.  We all do so don't try to 'get over it' faster.  Give yourself time and keep sharing all your thoughts, feelings and crazy dog lady behaviors here. We'll still love you.  Haha.  

Paw love,

Claudia and Angel Jersey Girl

Alison, Jake too was my only pup (I had him for 12 years) and I felt the same as you. For days I was just sick to my stomach. Then when his ashes came home, I finally felt some peace because he was back with me. I hope that you will find the same. I do have a family now, but for many years it was just Jake and I. He was my rock through a horrible marriage and divorce, there were holidays and birthdays spent just him and I, and he was my doggie soul mate. There are a lot of us who understand what pain and heartache you are feeling so just know that you are not alone.

One of the things I think about on my runs is Jake "pushing" me. He has his paw on me and he's saying "go momma go" because in my heart I know that's what he'd want me to do. He'd want me to run and sometimes I can feel his spirit running beside me. There have been a couple times where I can barely hold back the tears b/c I know he's with me. I think when you feel up to running again, you'll see just what I mean. You'll just "feel" her there. Just remember that Shelby taught you how to live. She taught you how to love unconditionally and to enjoy the simple things in life, how to Be More Dog ! I truly believe that each soul comes to us for a reason, and Shelby would want you to live how she taught you to. She is your biggest fan and she wants to cheer you on!

I did not know the story about the pennies. I found a couple earlier and I think if I find anymore now I will just break down in tears. 

Sending you lots of hugs today. 

Alison,

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. It hurts so much right now, and yes, it will always hurt to have lost Shelby, but one day it will be a little easier. I know it doesn't seem like that will ever happen, but it will. And Shelby will always be with you...whenever you need her love and strength it will be there to help you.

With love,
Carol

Shelby's home, yay!!!  There IS peace in that.  I know I felt it the first day and I feel it today. Elizabeth said the same. Do let us know how it is for you.  I really believe letting yourself talk to Shelby, cuddle with her stuff, cry over your loss will help you heal in a healthy way.  One day you'll notice that you only talked to her 5 times instead of 8 or whatever. In my mind that will mean the healing and peace you need is happening.  

You asked about single moms/fur kids.  I think you know, I lived alone with JG for 3.5 years.  Like Shelby to you, Jersey was my everything and like Shelby, Jersey was my first pet.  We spent 2 hours together every morning on our little dog park / breakfast routine and then once I got home from work I tried not to leave her alone because she was alone all day.  She came on my errands with me, she exercised with me, she shopped with me (amazing the stores that allow dogs), she joined me on dinners with my friends (they'd make reservations at places with patios just for Jersey), she even commuted with me (doggie day care near my office) and traveled with me on planes and in the car to see family.  EVERYTHING!  Because that was my lifestyle in the beginning, I know it's brutally hard on you to be alone now.  B.R.U.T.A.L!  It's hard to go from full to empty, sound to silent overnight (I mean your nest, not your life). Now my lifestyle is different because I have a husband and another dog.  There's NO QUESTION whatsoever that they make losing Jersey easier.  It's night and day, black and white to what you're experiencing.  That's why I worry about you and why, like others, I want to be here for you.  Right now, you're the only one I've been checking on.  I feel bad because I DO care about everyone else but I've had a REALLY hard time with how busy the rainbow bridge has been lately.  I can't handle the pain; I turn into a faucet every time I get on this site!  All I can say is THANK GOD TY GOT BETTER or I might have gone over the edge.  Then there's Happy Hannah...I'm afraid to hear that she's slowing down.  Sweet sweet happy girl.  Oh gosh...time to stop or the faucet will start again.

Big hug to you my friend!  Please keep sharing, we all want to hear every detail that you want to share.  

Claudia and Angel Jersey Girl

Alison, I'm so glad your lady is home with you.  Feel a little better than you can look after....and she look over you?

I hope all this down time is helping and that the thought of work tomorrow isn't revolting.  I know people will ask how you're doing, and they genuinely mean it.  However, those are some of the worst words to hear.  Sometimes it's best to remain numb and not have to answer any of those questions.  I wish you strength when they come.  I also hope you smile once tomorrow.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.

Thinking about you...

~ Katy & Jackson