Never in a million years would I have thought to be writing this post today.  Shadow passed away on Sunday evening.  I have been so overcome with grief and shock, I couldnt muster the courage to post into this forum until today.  Shadow was doing GREAT.  As of last Friday , we were playing fetch in the backyard with his new bouncy ball.  I had taken him to his weekly acupuncture appointment, and he was a bundle of energy.  His vet commented how great he was doing, and amazed at his physical recovery and what a strong mental spirit he had.  After we got home from acupuncture…Shadow was relaxed as he normally is after a good acupuncture session.  

My nephew came over to dogsit for the weekend, as we were leaving town for a couple days to celebrate a birthday in Las Vegas.  All weekend, I checked in on my dogs…my nephew said they were normal.  He was eating, drinking and going to the restroom on his own.  Sunday afternoon, my nephew left around 2pm.  Shadow followed him to the door to say goodbye. At 10pm, my husband and I arrived home.  Our other dog Nico greeted us at the door.  I called for Shadow…and didnt see him.  I walked into our living room, where their main sleeping area is….my heart dropped as I walked closer and didnt see Shadow pop his head around the corner.   I look onto the bed, and there he is..laying still.  I yelled out to my husband…he runs in.   Shadow was still warm.  He had wet the bed.   My husband heard his heartbeat and felt faint breath from his nose.   We hugged and kissed him…told him how much we loved him.  I told him..it's ok, dont be afraid now.  Momma will take care of you.   This was our way of saying goodbye, I knew that he was letting go.  He had flatlined by the time we got him to the vet hospital.   To the very end..Shadow held on so we could all be together when he left us.   That much I'm grateful for. 

The cancer had not spread…his test results a few weeks ago showed clear chest x-rays.  I called our oncologist the next day at the Vet Cancer Group.  Everybody is in total shock.  We were so focused on treating the cancer and making sure it didnt come back.  We were so sure Shadow would beat the odds.  Never occured to me he may be have had other issues.  He was lumpy all over because he was lipoma proned.  Could it have been another tumor that he had that went undetected?  We will never know.  But based on the description of how he was a little tired on Friday…the vet thinks he may have developed a tumor somewhere else on his organs or spleen.  If it had started leaking or bleeding, it would make him feel sleepy and tired, and he would just go to sleep.  It would have been painless.  For that I can find peace that he did not suffer, and was up and active until the very end.  But I just wish we had one more day.  One more day so I can just hug him and kiss him.   I find great guilt in not being with him the last 2 days of his life.  My husband says that there would never been a perfect way for him to “go” from us.  We would miss him no matter how God chose to take him.  The house feels terribly empty right now..even with the presence of our 160lb mastiff.   I miss the tapping of his nails on the floors.  The soft snoring sounds he makes when he's napping. My baby boy is gone… please let him be surrounded by Jerry and all the other Tripawds friends we have lost along the way.