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Picked up Tai's ashes today | Coping with Loss

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Picked up Tai's ashes today
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1 November 2018 - 7:31 pm
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I know where I want to scatter them but am reluctant to do so, so she is here with me still, in the nice box they put them in.

It is not quite two weeks and she is on my mind daily.  The house is so quiet – she was not a noisy dog, but just not having her living presence around makes a difference.  I am used to her being here, sleeping, breathing.

I know there is no right way to grieve, just our individual ways.  Her bowls are still in their place and her car seat still in the car.  Eventually I will put them away when I feel the time is right. 

She was a special girl.  I’m sorry, I thought I was going to write more, maybe later. 

Virginia
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1 November 2018 - 9:43 pm
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Bittersweet time.  But Tai is home with you where she belongs.   

We know this is such a heartbreaking time for you.  You don’t  need to write anything right now, just continue  to move through your grief.  I am glad you came here today though.  You are with your tripawd family who understand the silent void  and emptiness in your home and your heart.

There is no way to “rush” through grief.  It has to be felt.  As the saying goes, “When you love hard, you grieve hard.”  

And don’t  put any “timeframe” on when you should  move this or that.  There are so many of us here who will tell you about things that we NEVER put away or threw away.  I still have  the carton of left over ice cream in the freezer I gave Happy Hannah……five years later!    

I’ve  added some of my dog’s ashes   to the soil and then planted a shrub or flower.  I do that as   a beautiful  way to remind myself that in Nature nothing ever “dies”, it just changes form.  And we are all part of Nature.  And I’ve  always saved some of the ashes  to keep here with me until mine join theirs. 

Be open to Tai connecting with you.  She will.  Promise .  When you can, we would love to know how she has decided  to make her presence  known.  You had thousands  of happy memories  during all those years together.   Again, when you can, we would ,love to hear about some of those special times.

Please know we are here for you and with you.  We got to witness firsthand the unbreakable bond you and Tai share.  We are so privileged  to be on this journey  with that special  cutie pie doggy.

With love

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too 

Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!

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2 November 2018 - 11:38 am
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((((hugs)))) You don’t need to apologize for anything Tracey. Your heart has spoken. When you are ready to write more, you will feel it.

There is no rush to do anything with her ashes if you don’t feel ready. We still have Jerry’s sweater and a couple of his favorite toys with us, and it took us 10 years before we even cracked open Jerry’s cremains box and started the scattering process. We’re not done yet, just taking it little by little and going to his favorite places to scatter when the moment strikes us. So when it feels right for you, Tai’s spirit will let you know. And in the meantime, we are always here when you want to share more of her life story with us.

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4 November 2018 - 8:42 am
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Darling Tracey 🌷

Life is really not fair as we have to say goodbye to our pups always too soon and way before our time to join them …

Tai is definitely with you, she is not going anywhere, she knows where home and her family is.

Even if she is now free to fly from cloud to cloud with all of our other Angels, home is where her heart is 💓🌟.

And that is not going to change.

I, like Sally and Renee, have kept many of Angel Eurydice’s items, some are kept away some are kept where I see them.

And I have not washed the car window where she used to sit which is (and will continue to be) covered with her dribble.

Her ashes, alongside the ashes of other beloved pets are in my bedroom and will be joined with mine one day.

You will know when the time is right to scatter your baby’s ashes and sweet Tai will be right next to you when you do it, you can be sure of that.

Remember Tai is not gone, she just changed form.

Her love for you remains 🌟🌹🌟 and she will show you she is still here if you open your heart to this possibility 💫

Sending you all my love and wish you peace in your heart 😘🐮💫✨🌟🌹

Eurydice 77kg/170lb Great Dane limping end of April 2016, amputation (right front leg/osteosarcoma) 4 May 2016 6 courses of carboplatin followed by metronomic therapy, lung mets found 30 Nov 2016. 3 courses of doxorubicin, PET scan 26 Jan 2017 showed more mets so stopped chemo. Holistic route April 2017. Lung X-ray 5 May 2017 showed several tennis ball size mets, started cortisone and diuretics. Miss Cow earned her XXL silver wings 12 June 2017, 13 months and 1 week after amputation and 6 1/2 months after lung mets, she was the goofiest dawg ever and is now happily flying from cloud to cloud woof woofing away :-) 

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10 November 2018 - 6:50 pm
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Thanks, everyone.  Your words mean a lot to me.

It is three works since she has been gone.  I still tell her goodnight.  I still see things in terms of “this is the first time I am doing this without her”.

She was a special girl.  I was going to talk about her a little but looking through some older pix of her has made it harder than I thought, so I wlll just share some pictures.  Up until about 18 mos or so ago, she loved toys.  She would work on them mercilessly until they were destroyed.

taioctopusImage Enlarger

We always loved walking in good weather, rain and snow, at least until her amp.  Post-amp she wasn’t too keen on going out in the bad weather.

Hiking 1Image Enlarger

She loved the car.  After her amp she got her special car seat. 

car seat

I *know* I did what was best for her but I *feel* like it was wrong, like I betrayed her trust somehow.  It hurts my heart that she is not here.

I hope, hope she is somewhere, running and walking, riding in a car and looking out the window, with a toy to destroy at the end of the day.

Virginia
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10 November 2018 - 9:39 pm
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For whatever it’s  worth, those “guilt feelings” are something we all deal with.  They tend to show up during those first several weeks of our hard, relentless grieving. So you are not alone in that category.  I think the human side of us always thinks we have some sort of super power whereby we can “cause” things or “prevent” things.  And we can also tell you the better times, ,the reality  of the great life you gave Tai,  will eventually  overshadow those “feelings”.   They truly  have nothing  to do with the reality that Tai experienced. And all that matters is Tai’s perspective  and Tai was thrilled to have more bonus time with you!

On this journey, the reality is this piece of crap disease  “causes” us to make decisions  we certainly  wouldn’t  ordinarily  consider!    But what we do have “control” over is to try and give our dogs and cats the best chance for more quality for spoiling and loving. 

Additionally,  the aging process and the “rhythm  of life” are not anything we “cause” and certainly not anything we can prevent.

And goodness knows, you gave Tai that chance and she absolutely loooooved all the spoiling  she finagled out of you!  She still got to go for lots of carrides in her special cushy seat (love that photo)!   And she got to go to work with you more than ever before!  You gave Tai the chance to live out her life as a senior  that not everyone on this journey gets to experience.  You gave Tai the chance to experience  the “golden” part of her golden years by loving her so exquisitely every moment of every day.  We can all absolutely  guarantee you that Tai was so thrilled to have this extended quality  time with you just as much as you were with her. 

These pictures are so adorable and I’m so glad you shared them with us.  She is such a cutie pie!!!  Had to chuckle a bit that, after the amp, she wasn’t  too keen on going out in bad weather.  She traded that instead for staying inside all warm and snuggly with you!  Smart doggy!!

You can be certain that, the first thing Tai did when she got to the Bridge, was tear into the wheelbarrow full of toys set aside for her arrival and RIP them to shreds!!   The dogs and cats are offered their fourth leg back when the get to the Bridge.  Tai declined the offer and went straight ahead to her bundle of toys to shred!!   Last I heard, the Angel’s do, indeed, give her carrides everyday  going from cloud to cloud while eating cookies and ice cream.

We’re  send you our love.  Stay close.  Were still here for you, okay?  And share photos ANYTIME!  Tai continues to steal our heart with every photo.💖

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry and Frankie too!

Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!

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12 November 2018 - 2:47 am
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Tracey,

that silence is the worst thing. Manni was never noisy, either, at least not inside the house, but only once he was gone did I realize how much of a presence he always was. I stood still so many times wondering how I could be so alone. -I ended up turning the radio on all the time because I just couldn’t stand the utter silence. 

I am almost at the “1-year-gone”-mark but I still have a hard time with the pictures. I am glad I took so many, I really am, but looking at them is still hard sometimes. I usually smile with tears in my eyes. 

I am also with you on the hoping that they are running somewhere, and maybe they are even running together now, with all their other friends. While I am usually more of an agnostic I do have times where I feel Manni’s presence for a short while and I wish for you to have the same comfort.

When you can, please share more stories and pictures of Tai. We won’t ever forget her.

Hugs

Tina

without Manni

Guardian of Manni the Wonderdog. -Or was it the other way around?
Osteo and amputation in Dec 2015. Second, inoperable, primary osteosarcoma found in June 2017.
The end of our adventures came Dec 10, 2017. 2 years to the day.

Manni's blog -dogblog-

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18 November 2018 - 7:43 pm
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Tracey, 

I feel like your words could have been my own. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks without my sweet boy. Milhouse was almost 14. I picked up his ashes on Friday and they are sitting on my kitchen table. I’m not really sure how to process them yet. 

I totally connected about what you said about guilt. Bawled my eyes out about it last night, actually. I know it was the right thing to do, but I just feel so awful that  was the one who had to make the decision. I feel like I failed him. 

I am so grateful for this community and others who are walking this walk with me. Hugs to you. 

Lindsey

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19 November 2018 - 11:47 am
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Lindsey, thank you for your courageous post, it’s so hard to share our grief and we appreciate it so much when members reach out this way. Milhouse is so proud of you.

And I just want to add that your grief, your feelings, are all normal, there’s not a person out there who hasn’t felt that kind of guilt over giving the go-ahead. We totally understand. It hurts like hell.

In time, our brains come to an understanding with our hearts, and we understand that the euthanasia decision is a blessing to our animals so they do not suffer. Until then, cry away and know that it’s just a sucky process that needs to happen. We send lots of love your way, and will be there for you as you cope.

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25 December 2018 - 8:25 pm
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It is a relief to talk about Tai here, knowing you all understand.  I don’t know if I ever really said “thank you” to for the help this site gave me when Tai had her amp – I was real mess, wondering if I did the right thing – you all know the drill.  It’s all well and good for the docs to say she is a good candidate and all that, it is something else to give the go ahead.  I don’t know how I would have fared if I didn’t have TriPawds to calm me down and give me all kinds of great advice!

So I was pretty busy today and now it’s quiet and I was looking at some pictures of my girl and now I am tearing up.  Tai looks so tiny in the last pictures I have of her.  In one, she is curled up on her bed at work – I looked at that one for a while.  She looked very peaceful.

A little over two months in and it is still strange and empty not to take her everywhere.  If I make a loud noise, say, drop a pan or something, I reflexively say “sorry, babe” – she hated loud noises.  I washed her bedding today; first time since she passed.  I will put it back on her bed, which is in the bedroom.  

I think the reason I still feel guilt is because she wanted to live.  I feel like I took that away from her.  Who was I to make that decision?  I know all of the objective answers but I still feel what I feel.

A funny story – my girl was a thief!  Before her amp, when we would go to Petco, she would take a toy off of the shelf and carry it, so of course I would have to buy it. 

Though I have had other dogs in my life and grieved the loss of them, the loss of Tai feels different.  I think I finally understand the concept of the heart dog.  Maybe it was our cross country trip, maybe the amp, I don’t know, but a piece of me is missing.  I still have her ashes.

I have been doing OK and had a good day today; I hope everyone who celebrates Christmas had a good one. 

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25 December 2018 - 8:50 pm
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One of her favorite sleep positions.  I’m sure I annoyed her when I took this picture.  She was not a fan of the camera.

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25 December 2018 - 9:09 pm
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The holidays…the firsts….they really hit hard.  Eventually,  the many happy holidays you shared will bring you more light to help push the darkness away.

For whatever it’s  worth, your feelings of “guilt” are something  we all feel in some form or another.   Yes, regardless of all the “rational  self talks” you give yourself, you do feel this and that’s  okay, for awhile anyway.  You don’t want those feelings to deny the connection between you and Tia. Or to interfere with the thousands of happy memories  you two shared!      We can only tell you that time is the only thing that helps you move further away from the “guilt”, the second  guessing, the what-ifs, etc.  It’s  just part of grief.   But focusing  on the good memories  is what Tia wants you to do, because that’s  all that matters to her ❤

I’m  glad you posted today.  You and Tia are family.   Always will be.   We’re  still right here by your side, just like we were from day one. 

And you had me grinning ear to ear when you told us about our little family member stealing toys!!!  OMD!!!  I can just imagine  that cutie pie prancing  around so proud with her booty…..knowing  you were her “get out of jail” card!

Please share more of her little…er……quirks when you can😊

Lots and lots of love

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!

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25 December 2018 - 9:10 pm
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OMD!!  Just saw her “sleep position”!!   This dog doesn’t  do anyth without  a huge cuteness factor 

!!  She is just adorable!!

Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!

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25 December 2018 - 10:50 pm
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Tracey that photo is precious! I don’t recall seeing that one before, and honestly I think she is actually smiling there 🙂

Holidays are hard when it’s the first time around without our heart dog. Of course you’re missing her and feeling the loss even more right now. That’s totally expected and normal. And when you’re trying to wrap your head around the loss in your life and in your heart, it’s also normal to question how things played out. But later I’m guessing you may look back and feel better about the decisions you made on her behalf. That will take time though, so just go easy on yourself k?

And you are so welcome about this community. It was an honor to be here for you then, now and always.

Blessings & love to you in the new year.

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9 February 2019 - 6:42 pm
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Hope everyone is doing well.  Having a dogless house is still strange, though I’ve had one before.  I guess I should say having a Tai-less house.

I am doing okay – working more and getting out a bit.  It is still not right to not schedule my time around my girl.

I don’t walk down the dog food aisle in the supermarket.  That bothers me.  I still have a lot of her treats here – the bags are opened (give her the same treat every day??? that would have been some nerve on my part) so I can’t donate them.  I take a treat to my boss’s dog on the days I go there. 

Sign – I don’t think I can bring another dog here.  This was our house, hers and mine.  I went through a lot to get us here and she was with me every step of the way.

It is comforting to come here and post thoughts about her.

Did I mention she had her own couch LOL?  If I would sit next to her she would glare at me and get down.

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