Caring for a Three Legged Dog or Cat
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Well here we are exactly at ONE month (5/8). It's so odd. It doesn't feel like a month but then again, it feels like Shelby has been gone for much longer.
I am now struggling (the most) with a new identity. I didn't think it would be so hard to re-emerge into my former life that seems without cause or meaning. I feel a general sense (a dull ache some would say) of sadness 90% of the time and when I am "happy" it is usually due to an intense caffeine high. I feel like I am still "going through the motions of living" and doing things because I have to (like eat, workout, go to work) not because I truly enjoy or want to do any of those things. Is that depression?
I have found that I have been able to come 'alive' within the forums where I didn't think I would be able to come back but I feel the most connected and at peace here. Maybe it is somewhat the anonymity factor or the common bond we all have as caregivers and grieving parents.
What I can't seem to do is resume my normal life outside of this. I can't really be on FB anymore and that was something I did (a lot more than I should) but most of what I did was post photos/stories of Shelby or my running, etc. It's almost like a part of me doesn't want to post because I don't want people to forget that I am grieving if they see me post about being out or having fun. I also give people a LOT of unnecessary credit that they read my posts or even care. 🙂
But I truly struggle with who I am as a person. I had no clue this part of the journey would be so hard. I am debating seriously getting out of town over Memorial Day weekend to get refreshed even though I sleep 90% of my weekends away, at least I can sleep by a pool with a cocktail perhaps. I also don't know if that will be good or bad for me. Shelby was my travel buddy when I could drive to a destination. So it could either be an epic fail or a positive thing.
I had a dream about Shelby last night ... she was with all 4 legs and she gave birth to two puppies (odd since she was always fixed the whole time I had her). Cute little puppies. And I felt guilt trying to mother the puppies and mother Shelby - it's such an odd feeling ... knowing that Shelby was very much an only child and while she was independent, if another dog got to close, she would snuggle up between us and let them know that I was HER mom. So while that is a human trait, it feels disrespectful to Shelby each time I pet or snuggle another dog. Like Shelby is looking down on me and jealous and then a bird shits on my car (that happened today).
And I told Shelby I didn't want puppies ... if I get another pet, it will be at least a year or so like Shelby was - potty trained, not teething, etc.
I am sure I am sounding like a crazy person here but as a single person, who just turned 40 and is entering a whole new decade of her life, I feel frighteningly lost. Part of me wants to move (I rent so I could) but then part of me says I will never leave my home since it was our home.
I don't have the answers. I suspect they will come to me in time. I am working through this grief, I guess, in some way. I miss my girl. The stubborn part of me wants to remain in mourning for years to come so her passing / illness was not in vain. It's such an odd transition.
Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.
October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014
Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife
Alison, none of Shelby's life was in vain. You gave her the best life any dog could ever hope for. Her life was so much more than the cancer. Look at me, telling you! I am still grappling with this all myself. Shelby would. NOT want you to grieve her forever. Remember her and love her forever, yes, but not the grief. She was light and life and happiness. I can see it in her pictures. She loved you unconditionally and when you love someone that much, you want them to be happy. You will get there, I will get there as well as Sally and Claudia and everyone else that has had recent losses. I was having a flashback tonight of the day I let Ty go. I can still feel the weight of his head on my arm and feel his soft ear under my face. It makes me cry and feel sad, but I think that is ok. Not sure what advice to give you on the vacation. I am dreading my next camping trip for sure. He loved to go. He has accompanied us to the beach, so I am not quite sure how that will go this year. The dull ache, yes I know exactly what you are describing. This week the reality and unreversablity ( is that a word) of this is hitting hard. I have had someone try to talk me into a yellow Lab this week. While she looked very sweet, I did not get that feeling when I looked at her picture that I still get when I look at Ty's. Maybe that is not fair. I just don't think I am ready to even think about another right now. You do not sound at all crazy. I love the dream though, would it not be just like Shelby to send you not one , but 2 puppies. LOL I agree that this forum is where I find the most comfort right now. Somehow, it keeps me feeling connected to Ty in some small way. It also helps me not feel so alone in my feelings. I think what you are feeling is pretty par for the course. When you add the stress of the last months of illness and not knowing from one day to the next what was going to happen and the intense caregiving to the loss of a beloved pet, I think it hits a bit harder. I think you have a dog heart that will eventually want to be shared with another fur baby. Please, when that day comes, know that no one will be cheering louder for you than your Shelby girl! Love from, Lori and Ty
TY GUY, Best Black Lab ever! Diagnosed and had amp in January, 2014. Kicked MRSA's butt. Earned his angel wings on April 16, 2014. Run Free my boy and don't forget a shoe. Ty is a proud member of the " April Angels". Ty sent us Daryl, a Tripawd rescue in Sept. of 2016. Daryl is 5 +or -. We are also Pawrents to Chandler, a Border Collie mix who is 15 and 1/2, Lucy, a Corgi who is 7, 2 minis, 2 horses, and a feisty cat named Zoe. Zoe had a non skeletal Osteosarcoma removed in July 2015. No Chemo, she was at least 16. She is going strong although she is now completely blind. She is now close to 20 and her hobbies are eating and sleeping in front of her personal heater.
Hey,
I found this really helpful in thinking about the loss of my Quila Bear and grieving for her. Hope it helps you, too.
http://ahimsado.....-mourning-grief-from-the-loss-of-your-dog/
Oh Alison.."dull ache"...what a very good description of the grief. My Libby has been gone longer than Shelby and Ty it is still fresh and it still hurts. You are not crazy at all. Any of us going through this can relate to what you say. Nothing is the same. The big "D" (depression) has been brought up around here. I really think have I'm experiencing it. I have physical pain, lost interest and a few others. My husband showed me an article on depression and the symptoms and I have most of them. Being aware of it helps. That may sound weird but it helps me to realize I'm not nuts and it's all real to me. I will get through it eventually. I believe you will too.
Libby loved to carry a flashlight in her mouth. My husband started choking up because he found his flashlight that she would carry and it has her teeth marks in it. So many reminders.
Yep, you'll work through the grief...we all will...together.
Amy & Spirit Libby
Liberty (Libby) was diagnosed with OSA on 1-22-13. Right front amputation on 1-31-13. No IV Chemo. Metronomic Therapy started 2-19-13 along with supplements and some home cooking. Lungs clear until 1-06-14. She's still her happy, hoppy, bossy self. Living the dog life to the fullest and a proud Winter Warrior. :) RIP my Libby 4-21-03 to 3-19-14
Hmm I have a different out look on the 2 puppies. Maybe its a sign?? I can't say for sure but that is what I believe. All you can do Alison is give it time. You are doing that.
You do have to live and Shelby would want that she doesn't want you to mourn her forever. She wants you to be happy too.
Found this too and this is what Shelby is telling you
Hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy
Sassy is a proud member of the Winter Warriors. Live long, & strong Winter Warriors.
sassysugarbear.tripawds.com
07/26/2006 - Sassy earned her wings 08/20/2013
05/04/2006 - Bosch, Sassy's pal, earned his wings 03/29/19 fought cancer for 4 months.
"You aren't doing it TO her, you are doing it FOR her. Give her a chance at life."
Michelle, beautiful sentiment. Thank you.
Alison, your identity will ALWAYS be as Shevlby's soulmate...Shelby's mom...that won't disappear or change. You will be adding more layers onto that identity, enhancing it as a result of your time together and the wnderful leesons she taught you...and is still teaching you. Your identity contines to evolve from that wonderful foundation Shelby has s established with you.
You do such a beautiful job of articulating your emotions so well. Eveey word is from them heart... a heart that is still broken but still infused with Shelbystrong's strength and eternal love... and contagious smile!!
For now, "jiust existing".....oing through the motions...faking it....feeling empty...zombie like.....realizing the world continies on while yours just stopped.....yeah, don't know if that's called depression or not, but do knowit's called grief!!
Boy oh boy, I'm with Mochelle about your dream (aka your message from Shelvy!).......she is definitely putting her pawprint of approval on you letting another dog...or two...into your circle of compassion and love!! Shelby was showing you she is sending you her "offspring"...whatever that may look like!!
Rememver, Shelby is secure and happy in her new consciousness....there is no jealousy in Shelby's dimension...only love...she is bathed in a divinity of lenlightenment and pure love. She has shed herself of all those earthly emotions like jealousy, etc. She wants to see you feeling the love of a dog again and she wants whoever she is sending you t feel your love.
Don't think about any big changes right now as far as moving, etc. You can visit that much later if you want, not now. As far as taking a little mini trip over aMemorial Day...you don't need to make a decision about that now either. Maybe chunk it down and go to a concert or some otdoor event.....doesn't jave to be an all week-end thing.
Or perhaps you could just spend the way washing all the bird poop off your car!
We lpve you Alison! And we love Shelby!!
Sally and Happy Hannah
Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!
@ Lori: Thank you - there is a lot of truth in what you said and maturity that I am still learning. As much as I loved her and felt selfish with our love, you are absolutely spot on - if you love someone as much as she loved me, of course she would want me to love again. Shelby really hated tears. She hated to see me sad at all and she could always sense when I was sad. And I agree - coming here does keep her spirit/story alive and I feel connected to her better.
@ Littlebear - That was perfect! OMG - described me to a T. Thank you for sending that. I hope others have read it and find it as helpful as I did. She was my heart dog ... the grief is real and true and the symptoms are me for sure.
@ Amy - There are so many signs that I didn't want to see that I am facing/dealing with depression. I thought I was just sad but when I couldn't remember the name of a donor (that I know so well) or even the governor of the state of Calif and looked like a complete idiot in a conversation at work, I have to realize my brain is 100% preoccupied and shutting down as a survival tactic.
@ Michelle - I LOVE THAT!!! So true! It should and does bring me comfort that Shelby will never feel pain again. That her afterlife will be as perfect as all the good things in her real life. That she will have endless cookies and calories will never count. What a perfect vision for her. And as far as two puppies ... Shelby must think I am stronger than I think I am! NEVER as a single mom could I think to own two pups! But who knows ...maybe Shelby thinks I'll meet the man of my dreams and then we can have litters of puppies!
@ Sally - Your words always comfort me. Thank you. There are few things in this life that I can brag about or be truly proud of but being Shelby's mom was definitely one of them. It was the hardest job of my life (especially the past 10 months) and while I felt like I was failing a lot of the time, I was constantly reassured (and still am) that I was amazingly strong and stable for her and gave her excellent care. I try and hold that close to me in my time of intense pain. I am striving to be more Shelby - live in a world where there is no jealousy and only love. Shelby would want that for me. I have to force my mind to catch up with what I know to be true. Shelby wants me to be happy again and she will always know that I know that she was/is my heart dog and only soul-mate. What a gift to have found my perfect soul mate at such a young age. And to have grown up with her.
Thank you all so much for your continued support and wisdom. And for allowing me to be raw and open with my emotions (it's probably since i don't have a lot of people here I can vent, cry openly with). I do feel blessed that most of my social network are animal lovers like all of us and so they get that I am still grieving deeply. But I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be 'more dog'.... but sometimes it just creeps up on me. Last night in a yoga class in one of the poses I literally started crying out of the blue. Thankfully my head was down but I am sure when we sat up to do other core work, my mascara was smeared down my face. I blamed it on sweat but it was hard and I wanted to walk out but I stuck it out. There are some yoga poses that do indeed release emotions and I guess pigeon pose was it for me.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend (and for those mothers out there - happy mother's day). I love you all for always being there for me. I am getting there ... day by day ... I am trying SO hard. It's scary but I am trying . I didn't give up on Shelby and I am not giving up on me!
Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.
October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014
Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife
Little Bear...your link was beautiful...thank you.
Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!
I liked it too! Made me feel not so nutty! Thank you! Love from, Lori and Ty
TY GUY, Best Black Lab ever! Diagnosed and had amp in January, 2014. Kicked MRSA's butt. Earned his angel wings on April 16, 2014. Run Free my boy and don't forget a shoe. Ty is a proud member of the " April Angels". Ty sent us Daryl, a Tripawd rescue in Sept. of 2016. Daryl is 5 +or -. We are also Pawrents to Chandler, a Border Collie mix who is 15 and 1/2, Lucy, a Corgi who is 7, 2 minis, 2 horses, and a feisty cat named Zoe. Zoe had a non skeletal Osteosarcoma removed in July 2015. No Chemo, she was at least 16. She is going strong although she is now completely blind. She is now close to 20 and her hobbies are eating and sleeping in front of her personal heater.
We're not giving up on you either Alison, not by a long shot.
P.S. Pigeon pose is one of my favorites.
Tripawds Founders Jim and Rene
tripawds.com | tripawds.org | bemoredog.net | triday.pet
Thank you!
Another dose of reality last night at my work event - as everyone knows, I am a fundraiser so I go to events that I put on to schmooze people to prep them for asking them for $$$. That said, I work at a private school so I work with parents of our kids. I always get asked if I have kids (no) and if I am married (no). Normally I would answer with "I don't have kids but I have a dog who's like a child".
What a healthy dose of kick in the gut reality when I was talking with the family. I know this is only me but now I feel creepy since not only do I not have kids, I no longer have a dog that is a kid nor do I have any siblings so no nieces/nephews ...
Whole new reality. WOW. Such a surreal feeling ...
Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.
October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014
Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife
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