So I have a new worst day of my life.  I wish I could say that Monday brought me peace and that I was strong, but I can't....it was just so horrible.  In the morning I think I was sorta in denial of what was about to happen.  My second oldest sister drove down to be with my mom and me.  When I adopted Mac I was 14 and she was 16 so she was still at home.  We were in high school and crated Mac when he was a puppy during the school day and then we would rush home to get to him and take care of him.  His little puppy crate was in front of our sliding glass doors right in front of the driveway.  Well one of our favorite memories was when we came home from school one day and from inside the car we could see Mac out of his crate, sitting in front of the glass looking at us with just the biggest puppy smile on his face.  I don't know how he got out of his crate...it was double-latched....but omg when we got inside the house and opened up the garage door did the smell ever slap us in the face.  Yeah...I think there were over 10 separate piles of poop.  He was such a little stinker. 

Well anyway we took Mac to the arboretum at about noon on Monday.  I had seen Amy's message that she could meet us there so I called her up and she was able to come and share Mac's last moments with us.  She's very kind, and between talking to her and seeing her adorable little boy running around it was a nice distraction of what was about to come.  We set up the comforter beside the lake for Mac to lay on but I don't think he felt well enough to enjoy anything really.  After about an hour or so we drove to the vet and carried Mac into a smaller room and waited for the doctor.  We were all starting to cry at that point but I was able to sign the papers and talk to the vet about what was going to happen.  I had heard about people having a sedative given to their dogs first beforehand so that you can be all weepy and say goodbye while they're still alive but not scare or worry them.  He said that it's not done very often but if we wanted it for Mac he would have to have had a catheter put in and an injection and I just didn't want him to be stuck with needles anymore than he needed to be.  The doctor told us that it would be almost instantaneous after injection and that we should be prepared for muscle spasms or releasing of urine or bowels or a final sigh of breath.  He left and said that the techs would actually be doing it since they do it better. 

We carried Mac into a bigger room and kept him on the floor since he doesn't like the height of those metal tables.  I was hugging and kissing him and crying harder at that point and then the two tech girls came into the room.  They wanted to inject into the back leg but since his right one was gone and he laid on the left and had never laid on his amputated side since the day of surgery they said it was ok and that they could do it in his front arm.  I stroked his head and said that I loved him from the very first time I saw him.....when I saw her injecting the blue and pushing down the plunger I lost it and started sobbing and wailing.  It happened so fast...the next second they laid him on his side and I kept either asking if he was still breathing or if he had stopped breathing cause I couldn't see his chest moving anymore.  They got a stethoscope and when she said "his heart's stopped beating"......my baby's heart stopped beating......god......

I didn't do so well.  I got on the floor with him and he was so still......I kept sobbing and saying over and over "he's so still...he's so still".  And I kept trying to close his eyes but everytime I shut them they would just open again....they wouldn't stay shut.....  He didn't make any noises or move or empty his bowels or anything.  I kept kissing his face and his mouth.  I was wailing so loud I think the whole clinic must've heard.  Mom and my sister Doreen tried to tell me I couldn't stay beside him and kinda tried to pull me away but I didn't wanna go.  They said their goodbyes and left me in the room with him and I finally took off his collar and left.  I just left him on the comforter on the floor and I can't get that image out of my head. 

When I got home I just got into bed and didn't get up or eat until late yesterday.  I feel numb and can't stop crying.  I expect to see him in the rooms here and he's not here.  The house is so empty.  I'm used to getting up and taking him outside and making sure he doesn't need anything and now I have nothing to do.  I just keep saying "I miss you"......and I'm sleeping with his collar and one of his favorite toys he used to carry around with him everywhere for about 10 years.  So yeah probably not the healthiest thing for me to be doing. 

Before I had woken up yesterday mom put away all his toys and his raised bowls and stuff and that's helped not to see everything without him beside them.  I'm going up this weekend to my sister's place and staying there for about a week with her dogs so I don't have to be here in the house.  My Macadoodle, spankypants, pookiepie, fluff monster, is gone.  The love of my life is gone.  Yeah I know he was a dog but he wasn't very dog-like.  He wasn't the cuddliest little man or the nicest, and he didn't like other dogs too much.  But he was the smartest and most beautiful and most expressionful dog I've ever met.  He was able to communicate and talk almost and understand everything you were saying.  He was kinda crotchety, and I don't think he really liked me lol, but that's ok...I loved him.  When he walked into the room I'd open up my arms and say hey honey come here...he'd stop, look at me, and walk on by . 

Wow this is long....sorry.  I guess I'm not "coping with loss" too well yet but  I know Mac is out of pain and he's free.  I like to think that he's in dog heaven being shown around by Zeus and others and it's something like this:

Zeus:  So over there is the belly-rubbing pavilion, open 24 hours a day.  The ball-throwing stadium is a couple blocks down, that's pretty popular here.  To the right is the car-ride simulator and a whole row of beds if you need to nap.  On the left you'll find lots of chew toys....oh look there's Jerry now with a stick.  There are plenty of sticks and shoes and stuffed animals to munch on. 

Mac:  Mmmhmm.....I see.....and if I want my butt rubbed and the inside of my ears scratched?

Zeus:  Oh you get that over on that fluffy carpeted area over there.  Don't forget dinnertime, which is every minute of every day. 

Mac:  And what's that I'm hearing over the loudspeakers?

Zeus:  That's the radio.  They play nonstop vocal hits like 'Who's A Good Boy?' and 'You're my good boy'.

Mac:  Ah.  And what if I have been a good boy *wink wink*...is there a place for that?

Zeus:  Well, there's a special tent with lots of human legs, if that's what you mean.

Mac:  And if instead of legs I want to be alone with blankets and sheets?

Zeus:  Dude, you're weird.