Michelle, thanks so much for starting this thread. So many of us feel the same way. And thanks to all who have posted after recent losses. The rest of us are crying together with you (which is why I don't visit Tripawds during the day at work, btw). 

Thanks for sharing all your thoughts and emotions, and thank you for showing the rest of us that we will -- somehow -- get through what is inevitable.

We see our onco vet Friday and get Lexie's pathology report after her full biopsy. The vet wouldn't tell me over the phone and said we need to talk in person, so it's not going to be miraculous good news. However, I feel much better prepared than I would be otherwise.

If we do end up joining the April Angels Club I know I'll have the best company I could ask for here, and Lexie will have the same over on the other side.

We're also lucky to have Milo, although he's never known what it's like to not have her around. The first night he ever spent without her was when she had her amp surgery.

They've been 'mirroring' each other these last few months in their lying down positions. Here's the latest (and I know it looks like she's about to fall off, but I swear she's not--it's just the camera angle!).  

I envy all of you who can express how you are feeling.  I am so choked up and overwhelmed with sadness I can barely breath much less speak or write about it.  A constant stream of tears and that horrific kicked in the stomach feeling.  I was doing ok but not anymore.  Happy Hannah pushed me to the brink and Ty threw me over.  I'm sitting here in the dark, in the middle of the night.  Hiding from my husband.  If he saw me this upset he'd take my laptop. Haha. Seriously, he would.

Our black lab Hitch has been a life saver.  Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to let him into my heart, doing so has been a tremendous help.  He heard me sobbing and got out of bed to comfort me.  I buried my head in his fur and just bawled.  Poor guy.  I know they hurt when we hurt so I feel bad for putting him through that.  He's got the worst gas tonight too.  Ohhhh my.  Um, ewwww. Capital P, capital U!

I second guess our decisions too.  In fact I've had nightmares about Jersey Girl's last week of life because, looking back, I can see she was in a lot more pain than I thought.  I feel horrible, guilty for not giving her more pain medicine.  It just kills me that I could have relieved her and I didn't.   I have an image in my head of her looking up at me, panting in pain and saying with her eyes - "help me mama, pleeeeeze."  I find myself saying out loud, all the time "I'm sorry baby.  I'm soooo sorry.  Please forgive me."  Then there's her stomach tumor.  Maybe we should have done the surgery.  What if it WASNT malignant, could she still be with us? Did I try hard enough?  I see how much others in this community have done for their furloves and I wonder, did I do enough?  And my last regret, I didn't know you could have a vet come to the house.  Whaaat?!  Why didn't I know that, it definitely would have been my preference.   Then just to torture myself a little more, I find myself flipping these scenarios around and worrying about the inverse what if.  What if we DID the stomach surgery and she died on the table?  What if it increased her pain? What if being away from her family when she was so vulnerable stressed her out?  What if we couldn't say goodbye or tell her how much we loved her one last time?  Oy.  It's all so crazy.  

I will love and miss my baby girl forever and then some.  I can't imagine ever healing, not really.  

Photo #1 is us when JG was 3.  A friend was taking photos for my Match.com profile (that resulted in hubby Gregg!). I call this one "we're a good catch"  Hahaha.  I just love her facial expression, it's one of my favorite pictures for that reason.  

Photo #2 is at Grandpa Hal's pool.  I don't think he appreciated her "fetching" his chlorine dispenser, lol.  She was just doing what comes naturally to Labs, "getting the bird".

Photo #3 was taken just before a roadtrip to Phoenix.  I think that was 2 years ago, so JG was 7.  I love it because she looks so stinkin' happy.

Ok, I'll stop after this next one.  Haha.  Photo #4 - My friend's dog "Malibu" often stayed with us when my friend was out of town. Malibu loved Jersey Girl and always tried to sleep with her in her bed.  She just HATED that!  This is her giving up and switching beds.  Makes me laugh every time.

Thanks Michelle, this really helped.  I stopped sobbing!  Now I have a headache though so I'm going to bed.  Lol.  Oy, for the love of furs.

Paw love,

Claudia and Angel Jersey Girl

NO regrets is right. I know that when Shelby broke her leg back in June, I had a choice - amputate or plate since there was no indication of cancer - despite 3 biopsies! Even when we fixed her leg, nothing came back. In hindsight, if we had fully taken that leg then, maybe a more aggressive biopsy would have found the cancer. Even though Shelby's vet(s) - all of them - told me they would have done the exact same thing if Shelby was their dog, the mind second guesses itself. Somewhere inside of me, I do know I did everything within my physical and financial power for Shelby but in the end, cancer won. And it won aggressively. Unlike others here, Shelby's departure was quick. I didn't see her 'slowing down' or 'struggling'. She was FINE 2 days before her last weekend. The seizures in the brain took my girl quickly and then she was comfortable for a couple days before her final resting place. I can take "some" comfort in that I didn't have to see her 'trying' for me. She was done. Maybe that was Shelby's final gift to me - because she knew I wouldn't be strong enough to say goodbye if I could still see some of her ... so she had to make it CRYSTAL clear to me. 

I almost made it to Friday without epic tears but it seems today, with the weekend approaching and not having to be at work and occupied, my heart is anxious, my body is stressed to the max and I am fighting back a huge lump in my throat. 

@ Claudia - I love the photos of you and your girl! Beautiful. Those memories will help you... My apt is a shrine to Shelby ... everywhere I look, Shelby photos ... April has been a tragic month for losses ....but together, we will stand strong as a family.

XO

Oh the belly feeling. I was dizzy today form not eating and when I try, it just all sticks there in a big lump. Coffee goes down OK. Did anyone else here start worrying a lot about a remaining dog. We pulled a tick off our 10 yr old dog a few days ago. ( he IS vaccinated for lyme) It had been on there a few days. His fur is really thick. I found it while brushing. Now it looks like a little ulcer hole and I am terrified that it was not really a tick, but skin cancer. My daughter pulled it off and she said it was a tick. what is he gets MRSA ? I cannot lose him too! My mind seems to be running away with me. He is acting quite fine. If the weekend shows no healing, I will make him a vet appt. on Monday. Or should I take him tomorrow? not sure I am ready to go back in there yet. Yet it is not fair to let my emotions rule that. Had a panic attack this morning. My daughter wants a box with some of TY's ashes. I panicked because he wont all be in my house. How crazy is that. I just so want to bury my face in his fur and kiss his silky ears one more time. This is just so permanent. Second guessing all my choices. Now afraid that my other dog will die. Afraid that I am just not a good Doggy Mom. Cant eat, cant sleep, can however cry. The waves of sadness seem overwhelming and it does help to read that I am not crazy for what I am feeling. Claudia, I am with you. As I was reading your post, it was like , I know exactly how she is feeling. I even have been second guessing how long I stayed after Ty crossed over. I am not sure how long I did stay. Felt like 5 minutes, Felt like hours. I would have probably stayed longer, but I knew my husband was probably ready to go. I was afraid to look at his eyes. But they were closed, just looked like he was sleeping. I just held him for a long time and kissed his head a hundred times. Now I cant hold him anymore. This is so much harder than I ever expected. There was a sheepskin on the bed. I tucked him in so you could not see his amp site. Just like he was sleeping. When  I left, I did not look back. I now regret that. I regret that I left him there. I regret that I had to pay someone to end his life and I regret not running the blood panel. I regret not giving him any pain meds that day. He had been off of them for awhile and I was afraid if it was a stomach ulcer, they would make things worse. So I let him be in pain all day. I am SO SO angry at myself for that. Here he is when he was younger. I would always come home to him in my bathtub. I finally gave up and put blankets in there during the day.

I keep finding more. He actually did things other than sleep. I loved how he always felt safe and secure enough to sleep on his back. We would find him in this position often. Other one is from his younger years with my Border collie and my Daughter's dog who was visiting. I think I was actually dog sitting. Forgive me for posting all of these, it just is helping me a little bit. I thought I heard him tonight, that thumpy little 3 legged hop. My mind is playing such tricks on me.