Caring for a Three Legged Dog or Cat
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A little over two months ago, Duke the Diabolical Dancin' Dog passed. He was my world. And although I have moments of happy and still seem to find joy, I'm really struggling with my loss, but not in the way I was expecting to. I expected to be curled on the floor in the fetal position for a lifetime. But I guess I'm too much of a workaholic for that. I spent the first three days curled up on his bed on the floor with friends coming to visit and give their support and make sure I ate, but then I had to return to work and I shut everything off to function. Since then, I still have this constant, underlying, quiet sad that is ever present and incessant... But I function.
The part that has me worried (for lack of a better word) is that I can't remember him. I've bought a "I <3 Duke" pendant that I wear everyday and I've been given tributes. I still sleep with his teddy. I bring him up in conversation incessantly. My husband bought an electric frame that I loaded with pictures of him.... But when my face is suddenly wet with tears, I can't figure out why I'm crying. I *know* why I'm crying, but I can't bring a picture of him to mind without actually *looking* at a picture. The whole 9 years of his existence in my mind feels like I watched a movie about someone else's life... Or read a book... Or am in general recounting someone else's story. There's no feeling behind the tears... Or the sad that is seeping out is for something that I can't quit put my finger on. I'm tired of not remembering him. I know that he was the most important thing in my life, but only because I've said that so many times in the last 9 years. Why is that suddenly all gone?
I've thought about seeking counseling. Maybe I will.
Oh my heart aches for you, because of Duke's passing and that the loss of a loved one just takes so much time to figure out and deal with. I'm so very sorry.
Speaking as Jerry's Mom here . . . I think that your coping as far as being able to go to work and function normally on the outside is a positive sign that you are healing. But when you say that you see your life together as a movie, more than something you lived, well, I think that's a realization that time has passed, but you're stuck in the present while wishing to go back. That is a real awakening, and tough to deal with, and it reminds me a lot of what Echkart Tolle talks about, when he discusses the paradox of time. I'm going to type what he says in his book, A New Earth, but bear with me because this book could help you:
The Paradox of Time
"Time is seen as the endless succession of moments, some "god," some "bad." Yet if you look more closely, that is to say, through your own immediate experience, you find that there are not many moments at all. You discover that there is only ever this moment. Life is always now. Your entire life unfolds in this constant Now. Even past or future moments only exist when you remember or anticipate them, and you do so by thinking about them in the only moment there is; this one. . . .
There is a paradox here. How can we deny the reality of time? You need it to go from here to there, to prepare a meal, build a house, read this book. Everything is subject to it . . .
Everything seems to be subject to time, yet it all happens in the Now. That is the paradox. Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time -- a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared to your face in a phot taken thirty ears ago -- yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment, or rather what happens in it. If you go by direct evidence only, then there is no time, and the Now is all there ever is."
This is just a little bit of what he discusses but I highly recommend this book, because it really helped me deal with how to live in this present moment, while remembering the past with fondness and love. I know you miss Duke so much. Not a day goes by when I don't think about Jerry. But now it seems the way I remember him is more of a gut feeling, a simultaneous feeling of happiness mixed with ache in my heart and a bittersweet fondness when I feel my eyes start to water just a bit, like I am now. For me this just took time, and I know it will happen for you too.
If you feel you need counseling, then by all means please seek some, it can help a lot just by talking to others. Colorado State's Argus Institute has some terrific pet loss grief help on the phone and it's free. And come here and talk with us, because we all understand this kind of profound grief for a very special dog in our lives.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Tripawds Founders Jim and Rene
tripawds.com | tripawds.org | bemoredog.net | triday.pet
My experience has been like nothing I ever expected either. I am 19 months into the journey without Trouble, and I can tell you I still have a weepy day but they are now further apart. In the beginning, it was a daily occurrence, sometimes several times a day. There are the ones who say their spirit friend comes to visit them, and I felt cheated that I never had that experience. But I've come to accept that Trouble lives in my heart, and her memories are burned in my soul. She is with me every day, she doesn't need to visit.
You are experiencing grief. Grief is not the same for each person. You will find peace again, it just takes some of us longer than others to get there. You will again visualize Duke without the need of a picture. Your grief is blocking your mind from producing that painful picture for now.
I agree with Jerry, grief counseling may be a step towards understanding your inner need and in understanding you aren't alone in how you feel.
Sending healing thoughts to you.
Shanna & Spirit Trouble ~ Trouble gained her wings 3/16/2011, a 27 1/2 month cancer survivor, tail wagging. RIP sweetheart, you are my heart and soul. Run free at Rainbow Bridge.
The November Five - Spirits Max, Cherry, Tika, Trouble & Nova. 11/2008 - 3/2013 An era ends as Queen Nova crossed the Bridge.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose these pups who are a constant source of love in our lives, and then suddenly gone. It takes a long time, and everyone has their own timeline. Maybe coming here and talking to others who have been through t too will help.
All the best,
Jackie, angel Abby's mom
Abby: Aug 1, 2009 – Jan 10, 2012. Our beautiful rescue pup lived LARGE with osteosarcoma for 15 months – half her way-too-short life. I think our "halflistic" approach (mixing traditional meds + supplements) helped her thrive. (PM me for details. I'm happy to help.) She had lung mets for over a year. They took her from us in the end, but they cannot take her spirit! She will live forever in our hearts. She loved the beach and giving kisses and going to In-N-Out for a Flying Dutchman. Tripawds blog, and a more detailed blog here. Please also check out my novel, What the Dog Ate. Now also in paperback! Purchase it at Amazon via Tripawds and help support Tripawds!
We can totally relate. (Read my bio and you'll see I always post as We because I believe Jerry is and always will be at my side.)
Therapy never hurt anybody. It certainly helped *me* after losing both my parents years ago. It has been more than four years now since setting Jerry free. I still have his plush soccer ball by my bedside, and I will still periodically feel sudden waves of grief. We have found a few ways to re-channel that energy to turn our frowns upside down.
1. Rene and I always try to remember how Jerry hated it whenever we were upset.
2. Play the "remember when" game. If ever feeling sad, say "Remember when Duke___________?" and fill in the blank with your favorite memories.
3. Know that his spirit will always be part of who you are. He will always be in your heart. Yes it sucks that we can't scratch their bellies or rub there ears. But all physical bodies are temporary on this planet.
4. Remember the most important lesson dogs can teach us, to be present. Live in the now. Make the most of every moment.
5. Ask yourself. Would Duke want you feeling this way?
Grieving is a process. You are already taking steps to heal. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for sharing.
Tripawds Founders Jim and Rene
tripawds.com | tripawds.org | bemoredog.net | triday.pet
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through after losing Duke. I agree with Hugapitbull, it sounds like your mind is blocking pictures of Duke to try and protect you from the pain. Everyone experiences grief differently and there is no wrong or right way.
My grief was similar but different. I couldn't get pictures of Magnum out of my head. The tears flowed incessantly for the first couple of months and there were many times when I was racked with heartwrenching sobs. On the outside I was functioning but on the inside and behind closed doors I was a mess.
We should never feel uncomfortable about seeking help from professionals if we feel we need it. I did and found it helped to discuss my feelings with an "outsider" and to be told by someone objective that what I was feeling was normal and would get better, with time! I also immersed myself in projects to ensure that Magnum would never be forgotten. I started her blog and wrote about her journey and I put together photo albums. There were many tears as I did these things but I think it helped. It has now been almost 6 months since we lost Magnum and I still find myself shedding a tear more regularly than I'd like but I can now talk about her without breaking into tears and I can smile as I remember her.
Two months is not very long so don't judge yourself too harshly.
Many hugs
Karen and Spirit Magnum
Magnum: 30th May 2002 to 5th May 2012. Lost her back left leg to osteosarcoma on 5th Sep 2011. Lung mets found on 20th Mar 2012 but it was bone mets in the hip that ended her brave battle. Magnum's motto - "Dream as if you'll live for ever, live as if you'll die today" (James Dean). Loyal, loving, courageous and spirited to the end. My beloved heart dog, see her memoirs from Rainbow Bridge ...... http://princess.....pawds.com/
My heart goes out to you as well. For me personally I will have to admit that it is harder on me emtionally to loose one of my furry companions than it has been to loose family members. Although I must admit that I have not had to deal with loosing my best friend and husband or one of my kids or grandkids. The first and second yorkie I lost were extremely difficult on me. I did work outside the home at those times and co-workers were not very understanding, after all, to them they were just a dog. But not to us. We animal lovers that have known and been blessed to love and receive the unconditional love of one of these dear companions, we are the blessed ones. We truly know that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sending you hugs...
Thanks for all the kind words and compassion. I really wasn't expecting much response, and certainly not that quickly. Sadly, after joining this forum right after Duke's amputation (June 2012), I hadn't had much time to be active... And I thought I would have plenty of time. I guess I have that time now, just in a slightly different capacity.
I know all of this will take time, I'm just frustrated with being unable to remember him... And on the small rare occasions that I do, the only thing I can remember is the last three weeks which were a strange conglomeration of sudden, unexpected, and unpredictable sickness. In those last three weeks, we got countless unrelated diagnoses and spent most of our weekend evenings in the Emergency vet with new and different symptoms... At first they thought he was having an allergic reaction to one of his medications, then we thought it was dog food poisoning, then an internal infection, then renal failure, then blood disorder, then back to infection, then bleeding of the brain, then back to blood disorder... In all of these cases, usually by the time we got him to the vet, or shortly thereafter he had made a miraculous recovery and started acting like himself again. He was like that. We used to call him the healthiest dying dog you'd ever meet... Especially since I got a 6 month estimate from the vet he was seeing when I started fostering him more than 9 years ago. We certainly showed him.
My husband has all these wonderful memories that he shares occasionally, but the only things I can bring to mind are the painful moments at the end of laying with him on the floor cleaning him up and watching the clock for the internal medicine specialists office to open since the emergency vet didn't know what to do with him anymore... And the smell of him vomiting blood... Uhh... That smell. (Sorry if that's too graphic). I want all my husbands memories instead. If my brain is trying to protect me, then why are those the only true memories I have? That hardly seems fair. *sigh*
Thanks for "listening".
I'm crying reading your posts because I can so identify with what you are feeling. Dogs have been a part of my life from the day I was born and most of my life I have had more than one (have 6 right now) so I have walked that sorrow road many times. It doesn't really get easier, but after having done that several times, there is one thing that has made it possible for me to keep giving my heart away completely to each new baby - the best reason to have a dog is all the joy they bring to your life and those memories DO stay and the joy comes back over and over. You can't find those sweet memories right now because your heart and mind are still coming to terms with a terrible loss. The endtimes (I have lost dogs to kidney disease, liver disease, lymphoma, old age, etc.) are always rough and bring some bad memories independent of what takes your baby. I too have lived through the days where I can't get that last ER/clinic/pain image/images out of my head. But I promise you that it will pass. As you work through the grief, you will suddenly surprise yourself with the memory of Duke chasing a leaf or doing the happy dance at dinner or waking you with a cold nose in the face. Those sweet happy memories tend to sneak up on you so don't worry if you can't consciously grab hold of them now, they are not lost. Losing a cherished dog is a real trauma so be kind to yourself. Take care of your health and do things you enjoy to get some good endorphins going
. Sharing with a counselor or friends can often help too. When the positive energy starts to flow again, I know your sweet memories of Duke will come back too. Sending you comfort and good wishes!
Oftentimes when it comes to dying, we hang onto those bad memories as a way of coping, it's like convincing our brains that this is really happening, or did. But like bigmutts said, it does pass. I think by realizing you want to have other memories you are almost there.
Have you ever heard of something called "NLP"? It's similar to hypnosis and helps lots of people overcome mental hurdles like this. It's worked really well for my pawrents with a number of different situations, and it doesn't take long at all for it to kick in, maybe 1 or 2 sessions. I have a friend who is a practitioner, so if you want to learn more, please PM me and I'll connect you with him.
In the book, "So Easy to Love, So Hard to Lose," author Lauri Kaplan suggests writing the story of your relationship with Duke down (like in your Tripawds blog), include everything you remember, your thoughts and feelings too. Write the story of your loss down, and work your way all the way back to the beginning when Duke first came into your life. Include stories that illustrate your bond, all the good memories. This becomes a tribute to Duke, and repetition of the act of writing will capture every moment in your memory forever, ensuring that nothing will be lost over time. She says, "It will take you on a stroll down memory lane and help you think about the many good times in your pet's life rather than the short ending."
I hope this helps. You can of course write here too as a way of coping, we're here to lean on.
Tripawds Founders Jim and Rene
tripawds.com | tripawds.org | bemoredog.net | triday.pet
I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficulties that you are having. We all grieve and cope differently. Its been 4 1/2 months since I had to let Lupe go and I still have flashes of the last few weeks of her life. It feels like we spent more time at the vets in the last month of her life than we had for all the years she was with her (which was almost 15). I still cannot look at certain pictures of her and cannot get off the exit off the highway where the emergency vet was. Avoidance? Maybe. Copying and grieving? Definitely!
I don't think speaking with someone is a bad thing, provided that they understand the loss of a pet.
You are in my thoughts.
Best,
Kori & Angel Lupe
Diagnosed with possible synovial cell sarcoma of right front elbow 5/31/12. Amputation surgery performed 6/7/12. Final diagnosis of histiocytic cell sarcoma 6/11/12. Her soul and spirit were strong, her body was not...my little girl earned her wings 6/14/12. "If there are labradoodles and goldendoodles, why can't I be a cockadoodle?"-Angel Lupe (June 28, 1997-June14, 2012) http://lupepod......pawds.com/
I really think grief affects all of us somewhat differently. I was so wracked with it, I don't know how I functioned, but I did. I went to work, I cried my heart out when I was alone, I wrote about my pain on facebook. Months later I would have good days, then feel guilty. I felt so guilty about his passing and how I didn't do enough to save him, or maybe, I did too much, or maybe he didn't want to go. I finally just recently did something I consider a bit weird, I contacted a dog communicator and had a session.
I had to let that part of my life go a little, but I wanted to make sure I would never let the love go. He was and will always be my heart. It was so comforting, talking with this woman and talking with my boy. I know it sounds crazy and I hesitate to tell anyone, but it was like counceling for me because it helped me to get over the hurtle of my guilt.
When the session was just about over, my boy Sammy asked me to race with him. It almost stopped my heart because that was all I dreamed about was his racing feet. Him running again, he so loved to run. I ended the session with love for him pouring out my heart and feeling lighter and freer. He had no regrets about all that had happened and he described our life together as easy and carefree, and she so accurately described his innocent and fun filled personality that it felt like he was with me again, if only for a little while.
When we said our farewells it felt like she had tapped into my brain and I could sense the second that the connection ended, it was like a warm light being turned off. But, I was and am left with joy, knowing he still loves me as I love him. The saddness still comes, but it is touched with comfort and love.
I then went out and adopted another little newfy boy and I look forward to forging another connection of love, maybe it will be just as wonderful.
So, I know it sounds nuts, but that is what finally turned the tide for me.
Diagnosed with osteosarcoma in the right front leg 8/23/10,
leg fractured 8/27/10,
leg amputated 8/30/10
http://sammyand.....pawds.com/
I couldn't begin to say how special Sammy is to us. Living and laughing with and loving this wonderful boy is priceless.
I am sorry for not posting earlier, but this topic really hit home for me since we only recently lost Zeus. I have so much sympathy for what you are going through right now. Many, many people on this site understand your grief and I hope that it comforts you even a tiny bit to know that you are not alone in your feelings. We have lost all three of our dogs to illnesses (liver disease and two cancers) and I also have a hard time forgetting the hard times at the end. I think it is because that is the time that our hearts are most connected to our pups - we are caring for them, carrying them, hand-feeding them, religiously administering meds, etc etc, our world becomes centered on them and those memories are very strong because there is something very primal about the love and protectiveness that we develop during the illness.
Each of us is different but eventually you will remember and you will find peace. For me it came with the memory of a conversation I had with my husband after the loss of a family member. You know how a death of a loved one makes you think of your own delicate existence? Well, I felt compelled to tell my husband how happy I am with my life. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow I would die happy, with no regrets. I love my family and my life and I do not want to die, but I am not afraid to die. Personally, I have a strong belief in God and Heaven and why in the world would I be sad about going there?! Remembering this conversation and how sincerely I meant my words made me realize that I shouldn't be sad that my babies have moved on. Instead, I should rejoice that they are in a place of no sadness, no worry, perfect health and nothing but happiness. I don't know that this makes sense to you, but my point is that we each have our own beliefs and things that comfort us. At some point your mind and your heart will find the thing that brings peace to you.
Many wishes for comfort and strength during this time.
Zeus was a Husky mix diagnosed with Osteosarcoma at age 11. A visible lung met and suspicious spot on his liver meant a poor prognosis-six weeks was our vet's best guess. We decided to fight for our boy and his right front leg was amputated on 12/1/11. We did six rounds of chemo, changed his diet and spoiled him completely rotten. We were blessed with 10 great months after diagnosis. Against the odds, the lung met remained a single met and grew very little over those months. A wonderful furbaby with the most gentle spirit, he fought with a strength that we never imagined he possessed. We have no regrets...
http://zeuspod......pawds.com/
We completely understand- as I said in a previous post, my husband had his medication increased. What is really weird is one of our dogs (the one Sweetpea was with her entire life-6yr) goes off to play by himself in one spot of the yard and acts as if she is chasing him- like they did when she was alive, in the same spot. I told Snickers to tell her- we miss her and if my neighbor's hear me- I'm sure they think I should share my husbands meds:)
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