Caring for a Three Legged Dog or Cat
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Six weeks ago my best friend, soul mate, earned her wings and while I feel that for the most part, I have resumed a normal life, I am still in so much pain. I actually, sometimes, think I am going in reverse. I think it's in part because I am trying SO hard to hold onto the pain so as to not forget Shelby since a lot of my 'world' seems to think that I should be further along in this process. People have asked me if I am going to get another dog and right now, the answer is a resounding no. I look online at rescue dogs and the ones that have "shelby" like faces are the ones I am drawn to and I know I won't be satisfied if they are not exactly like my girl.
Weekends are still really rough on me. I have had to work the past couple of weekends so that keeps me busy which is good and I am so exhausted when I get home, I collapse. I spend most of Sunday either binge-watching TV or sleeping. I am angry at most of the world most of the time and I can't tell if that is exhaustion from only having one day off over the past 3 weeks OR if it's the grief.
I decided to get out of town this weekend - this could either be great for me or an epic fail. Shelby was my travel companion - any time I felt the need to escape my world, I would snatch up my girl and we would hit the road. My mom says I am brave for venturing out on my own so soon (she knew Shelby always went with me) but I see it as I am running away.
I feel comfortably numb most of the time. I don't really cry. I don't really smile. I don't laugh. I know I am only punishing myself here and that Shelby would HATE to see this (and I know she sees me doing this since she's always with me) but I hope she knows that I am doing the best that I can.
When Shelby first passed, I took the first month off from the real world and social media and I can't seem to return to it. It feels disrespectful somehow. Like if I am happy, then I don't really miss Shelby.
I know after my father passed away, it was a good six months or so before I really resumed anything that would be considered a normal life. But I was also much younger then. I am dreading this summer. It will mark one year since Shelby broke her leg and we started our path to cancer diagnosis, etc. I can still hear in my head that sound of her missing the jump to my car that she had done a million times and falling and while I know (and even tell others on this site) that I can't continue to beat myself up for this - the emotional side of me cannot let it go.
And while the rational me knows that one of life's true injustices is that our fur-babies don't live as long as we do, the emotional part of me cannot wrap my head around this gut-wrenching pain...
Someone told me that there will always be a scar on my heart for my Shelby-girl... I just hope that the pain will subside a little, eventually, because I am pretty sure I can't sleep/binge watch my life away ....
Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.
October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014
Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife
It does get easier. You will always remember. The pain does subside. Although some days are always tougher than others. I know you miss her
hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy
Sassy is a proud member of the Winter Warriors. Live long, & strong Winter Warriors.
sassysugarbear.tripawds.com
07/26/2006 - Sassy earned her wings 08/20/2013
05/04/2006 - Bosch, Sassy's pal, earned his wings 03/29/19 fought cancer for 4 months.
"You aren't doing it TO her, you are doing it FOR her. Give her a chance at life."
Yup, it does get easier over time. The raw pain will subside and become less all encompassing. If you have things you are hanging on to, things you regret, then that can make letting go of the pain harder. At least it did for me. When I finally realized that I felt guilty about a few things having to do with my Rosa I sat with that awhile and then I asked her to forgive me. And of course she did--loud and clear! So then I could forgive myself and let go of the pain surrounding her loss. It only took me 8 years to figure this out!
My mom died recently and I came across something that helped me. Basically, if you can say the following things to someone who is dying (or who has died) then it can help ease the pain of your grief.
I am sorry
Will you forgive me?
I forgive you
I love you
Goodbye
I think for me the pain of loss really comes from regrets, what ifs, and I should haves. Rosa and my mom were suffering, their quality of life was highly diminished, death for each of them was a gift and a release. Rosa let me know when she was ready, my mom told me she was ready to go. They were at peace and had no regrets. When I let go of my regrets then I am able to be at peace with my losses.That does not mean that I do not miss them or never feel pain at their loss, it just means that I am able to move on without them here with me, yet knowing that they will always be with me in the most profound way.
Please try not to think that moving on, smiling, being happy, finding a new furry friend, would diminish your loss or mean that you didn't love Shelby and don't really miss her. By doing these things you are honoring her and her gifts to you and honoring what she would wish for you. Does that make any sense?
Hope this helps,
Martha
Oh Alison! My heart hurts for you because I know you are truly suffering. I can only tell you what I know to be true for human loss / trauma and what I've experienced so far in my loss of Jersey Girl. The pain never goes away completely, it just gets easier to deal with. After awhile you'll start to have intermittent good days and before you know it you'll be going a week feeling ok and then longer. The acute "i can't breathe, i'll never get through this" feeling will dissipate for the most part. Before long the good days will far out number the bad ones. Here and there something will happen to remind you of Shelby and or otherwise bring up your loss and you'll fall apart all over again. The sadness will overwhelm you when this happens but it won't last anywhere near as long as in the beginning - a few hours if you're lucky, a couple days at worst. Over time those reminders and breakdowns will get further apart until eventually you can think about her, maybe get a tear in your eye, and then put those memories (happy and sad) back where they belong and get back to living. I think of each person / pet / experience as kind of like a box on a shelf. It's on the shelf and pretty much always in my peripheral vision (metaphorically speaking) until I decide to take it down and look it over again in detail (i.e. thoroughly review my experiences and associated emotions). When I'm done, I close the "box" and put it back on the shelf. And so it goes for the rest of our lives.
I hope this helps, even a little.
I will PM you back later today. I've hit "reply" and looked at a blank screen several times since receiving your message but I've found myself unsure of what to say that might actually help you. So, I've been THINKING about it! Lol.
Paw love to you,
Claudia and Angel Jersey Girl (in cahoots with Angel Shelby about how they can help their mamas heal!!)
Oh My Dear Alison.....yet another beautiful articulation of your feelings.
I have no answers, you already know that. This part of the journey is so individual...and so alike It's a lonely path, yet we walk parallel with others.
All I can say to you is to keep posting your feelings...they are raw and so honest. I hope by sharing your feelings and getting them out of your head and onto paper, it does give you some momentary relief.......and momentary is better than nothing.
Again, I have no answers and I wish I could help you. Some wiser than I, can perhaps help give yo a different meaning to "holding onto grief". First of all......my 2¢,,,...worth...I don't think you're "deliberating" holding onto grief as a way to "remember" Shelby...I think you're just working through it and you "think" you've attached remembering her to being sad. Right now, the grief is still so heavy and thick and keeping you in an emotional state of just "existing", the only emotin coming through is sadness. Thus, sadness equals remembering Shelby.
Allow yourself to remember life with a tripawd with this piece of crap disease is soooooo intenese.....and compound it with all the stresses and intensity you went through prior to the amputation........holy moly!! You are way too hard on yourself! You're still standing!! You are a soldier......a SHELBYSTRONG SOLDIER!! She "trained" you to be a Captain in her Army of Courage!!
Shelby's strength, her love, her snuggles, her purple bathroom mat, her costumes, her poutiness, her love, her kisses, her companionship......all of these things, these empowering loving things, will keep you connected to her forever!! You are SOUL MATES eternally!
I love you Alison. I love Shelby. All I can do is let you know you are loved, you are understood here and we know the depth of your bond with Shelby as well as any others can.
When you have your glass ...or six....of wine tonight...wrap yourself in the purple bathroom mat and pack it up with you to take on your week-end get away. Wear Shelby's sunglasses and some of her Madri Gra beads...and pray a cop doesn't stop you!!!
SHELBY woll always be remembered here!! I love seeingnyour respnses to posts where you mention so ething about Shelby's journey...bittersweet....but great to recall some of her journey and the delightful "hoops" she put you through!!!
Sending love,
Sally and Happy Hannah
Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!
Martha, Michelle, Claudia...
Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!
Oh Alison, you have asked the same question I have been asking myself. Yesterday was Libby's 2 month angelversary (longer if you count in weeks). I was walking my other dog and wondering if I was weird for not being "more over it" than I am. You have put it more eloquently than I could have. Like Michelle said, some days have been tougher than others.
Sorry my words aren't more uplifting but I do believe it will get better...just not as quickly as we want.
Hugs,
Amy
Liberty (Libby) was diagnosed with OSA on 1-22-13. Right front amputation on 1-31-13. No IV Chemo. Metronomic Therapy started 2-19-13 along with supplements and some home cooking. Lungs clear until 1-06-14. She's still her happy, hoppy, bossy self. Living the dog life to the fullest and a proud Winter Warrior. :) RIP my Libby 4-21-03 to 3-19-14
Thank you ALL for your comments~ I think Sally hit the nail on the head - I really do feel better when I am able to articulate what I am feeling and then others chime in and say 'oh, me too'. It does help and it does bind us together and for me, as a single person, really makes me feel less alone so thank you for indulging my stream of consciousness/therapy like ramblings.
Michelle - Thank you ... you are further in this journey and I do see the progress and that there is still so much love in your heart for your sweet Sassy ... I see how you hurt but also how you have healed and it gives me hope.
Martha - what you said does resonate with me. I know in my hard of hearts that Shelby knows (as does the world) that I did everything w/in my financial power and medical power for her - down to her release on the beach near the sand, it is me, the human, that can't accept it. I know there was nothing else we could do at that moment - short of being God. But yes, that I "allowed" her to fall from that car when I knew she was struggling jumping up and I chalked it up to aging, that is a tougher pill to swallow and one that I do try and push out of my mind daily.
Claudia - I think you said it to me once that there will be a day that I won't cry as much or I won't think about her 24/7 and that that is OK and it shouldn't worry me. So I think that is why I focus on it so much.
Sally - what else can I say? We are going through this together ... two peas in a pod! there are so many similarities in our lives despite our age difference and geographic distance. You are very spot on. I do tend to focus on her life as a Tripawd and forget the great life we had that was 12 years of PURE joy... her 10 months of this crap was nothing compared to her life. It is so hard for me to remember/see those days. I worry I won't get them back.
Amy - Two months is still very fresh... there is no timeline on grief.
I think what ultimately strikes me right now is that I am struggling to find myself again ... my new identity. I feel somewhat like an impostor on this site b/c not only do I no longer have a Tripawd, I don't even have a pet. I have considered volunteering for a local shelter here but the applications all ask about your dog (pets). I feel like an impostor there too. It's such a surreal feeling ...
And when this first happened, I figured there was NO way anyone would ever forget Shelby but that has actually become a real fear which is probably why I mention her name SO much when I respond to new people. Sometimes I just can't and I know that is OK.
So again, thank you for being my therapy and responding to me and understanding ... this is one of the few places in my life that I can feel vulnerable and have NO one "try and fix it". It's truly refreshing to just express what I am feeling and have you all say, "I get it". Thank you all from the bottom of my heart ...
Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.
October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014
Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife
Alison, you were on my mind when I woke up this morning. Just was wondering how you were doing. You had been a bit quiet, now I know you were working a lot. I don't have the right words, but I have been through this before and it does get easier. The guilt, yeah that is a huge hurdle. Our dear pups don't want us to feel that way, but our human minds just don't know that. I sometimes even feel guilty being outside in Ty's yard. He should be out enjoying it. I think a change of scenery this weekend may help you a bit. I know that I tend to be more down at home. I have finally gotten past the heaving, gut wrenching sob fests every day. I see that as some progress. I still think of him multiple times throughout the day and feel sad that he is no longer here. That sometimes still has a bit of unreality to it. Think it is a coping mechanism. When I lost my Aussie mix after 14 years, I was a mess for quite a long time. My family was worried. I now know that I had not fully processed the grief from losing my Mother in Law a few years before. She was like a best friend to me. I was the daughter she never had. I was raising my kids and was the one to get her home and stuff ready to sell. I just bottled it up and did what needed to be done. My Aussie was a puppy from a dog she had. I think I felt that the dog was my last connection to her. Now figure that one out, my husband is her son. The mind is a crazy thing. I think that you are reprocessing some past stuff along with the past year of crazy stress. You were so young to lose your Dad. Then to have to go through the same illness with your precious Shelby. Sweetie, you take all the time that you need to heal. Don't let ANYONE tell you that you are not far enough along in this. Grief is individual, comes in waves and hits when you least expect it. We are in this with you. Standing beside you and walking with you. I like what Sally said about attaching remembering Shelby to being sad. I think that in time, the other memories, the ones of Shelby before she was sick, will start to push forward.It is just hard right now because the illness is the thing freshest in our minds. Hang in there, Love from, Lori and Ty
TY GUY, Best Black Lab ever! Diagnosed and had amp in January, 2014. Kicked MRSA's butt. Earned his angel wings on April 16, 2014. Run Free my boy and don't forget a shoe. Ty is a proud member of the " April Angels". Ty sent us Daryl, a Tripawd rescue in Sept. of 2016. Daryl is 5 +or -. We are also Pawrents to Chandler, a Border Collie mix who is 15 and 1/2, Lucy, a Corgi who is 7, 2 minis, 2 horses, and a feisty cat named Zoe. Zoe had a non skeletal Osteosarcoma removed in July 2015. No Chemo, she was at least 16. She is going strong although she is now completely blind. She is now close to 20 and her hobbies are eating and sleeping in front of her personal heater.
I don't think you are running away Alison, I think it's a good move to venture out on your own. Where are you going?
he hardest part in the coping with loss journey when you don't have another animal to care for is learning how to be with yourself, how to appreciate you for who you are, what you represent, what you value; not as Shelby's Mom but as the amazing, funny, sparkly woman that is the essence of YOU. It's hard to learn how to be alone and not feel lonely, it's one of life's greatest challenges. But as you begin to master this art, you will gain a confidence you never knew you had, which ultimately will help you feel strong enough to someday share your heart and become a team with another dog who wants to be a part of your world. There's no timeline for that, it's all a journey that we make up as we go.
Tripawds Founders Jim and Rene
tripawds.com | tripawds.org | bemoredog.net | triday.pet
Jerry, well said! Perfect advice!
TY GUY, Best Black Lab ever! Diagnosed and had amp in January, 2014. Kicked MRSA's butt. Earned his angel wings on April 16, 2014. Run Free my boy and don't forget a shoe. Ty is a proud member of the " April Angels". Ty sent us Daryl, a Tripawd rescue in Sept. of 2016. Daryl is 5 +or -. We are also Pawrents to Chandler, a Border Collie mix who is 15 and 1/2, Lucy, a Corgi who is 7, 2 minis, 2 horses, and a feisty cat named Zoe. Zoe had a non skeletal Osteosarcoma removed in July 2015. No Chemo, she was at least 16. She is going strong although she is now completely blind. She is now close to 20 and her hobbies are eating and sleeping in front of her personal heater.
jerry said
I don't think you are running away Alison, I think it's a good move to venture out on your own. Where are you going?he hardest part in the coping with loss journey when you don't have another animal to care for is learning how to be with yourself, how to appreciate you for who you are, what you represent, what you value; not as Shelby's Mom but as the amazing, funny, sparkly woman that is the essence of YOU. It's hard to learn how to be alone and not feel lonely, it's one of life's greatest challenges. But as you begin to master this art, you will gain a confidence you never knew you had, which ultimately will help you feel strong enough to someday share your heart and become a team with another dog who wants to be a part of your world. There's no timeline for that, it's all a journey that we make up as we go.
What sage advise and wisdom! That is a great way to look at it and food for thought. That is part of the bigger issue that is the "life of Alison" ... being alone (even though I've been single for about a year or so, I still tend to lose my identity in relationships so that is something I have heard before).
I have been told by many that my 40s will be amazing and I look forward to that shift. And I like to think that I am all those things you described (and am glad that that does come through in most of my posts).... There is a great quote I saw somewhere: Life is a journey - not a destination ...
And Lori - thank you for your sweet words of comfort and your story. I think this loss brings up the loss of my father (I think Claudia also mentioned that) so these feelings are bringing up old junk that was painful that I had buried.
I'm going to Palm Springs ... going to lay by the pool, drink fancy vodka drinks, read some silly books and sleep ... no agenda. No place to be. No working out (there is no exercise facility). And eat nothing but french fries and chocolate!!!
Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.
October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014
Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife
Amy...sending you EXTRA hugs today...not jist the normal hundred.
Lori....I just want to make one comment......."Now figure this one out, my husband is her son"! In the middle of this "intense therapy session"...you made me LOL (Okay, two comments)
Alison.....okay.....shhhhh......a little secret......just between us.....I feel like I don't belong here anymore either.....shhh...don't fit.....and .....shhh.....that people will forget Hapoy Hannah. Thank you for having the courage to articulate that.
But then I think.....what if everyone who has been on "this side" of the journey felt that way. What if Rene and Jim felt that way...Karen...Christine...lisa...Shari...Dr. Pam...Michelle....Luanne......Karma.....okay...have to stop naming names or I'll go batty (battier) wanting to acknowlege all the kind souls who stay on in honor of their fur babies and to give back.
I owe this community so much, so very, very much. For me, I "make" myself post something everyday to keep the connection intact and to try and help in some small way. Sorry to use the word "make", but it is harder right now than ever before. My words are still jeartfelt and simcere...just harder to grab. Needless to say, the "Coping with Loss" section is absolitely the hardest place to be right now. It's also the place our support is needed most.
It's the place wjere I needed support most...and was given it. It's the place I was screaming through the computer screen as I was blindly typing through the sobs..."PLEASE, PLEASE, PLESSE...PROMISE ME YOU'LL NEVER FORGET MY HAPPY HANNAH!!!! PROMISE ME!!!" It's the place I went too daily for the first couple of weeks to absorb the words of comfort and support to get me through the next hour. (Now I only go every other day
)
My Happy Hannah and I......yeah, for us, we have an obligation to use our experience to help others.....whether it's teaching a newbie to celebrate with ice cream and M&Ms, or helping teach others how to type! Yeah, just threw that in there to see if anyone is reall reading this!! 
GEEEEEEZ Alison.....you're making me express far more than I intended! Ugh! You're a good little therapist your own self!
By the way.....I LOVE that you and others use your fur babies eperience to respn to posts!! It's a great way to hellp AND to cntinue Shelby's legacy!! You keep postig her pictures too, ya' hear!!
Darn...one more thing! Pug Maggie was one of my "first responders" to my initial posts. Karen's Pug Maggie took almost six weeks to return to her normal obstinate self after amputation. My Happy Hannah was having a slow recovery. karen's reply helped me. pug Maggie was still reaching out touching lives and veing remembered through Karen being here.
Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!
Alison, the first thing I believe you need to do, like Martha said, is to forgive yourself. You know you were the best mom that sweet Shelby could have ever asked for, and to only think about the negative stuff, it will drive you crazy. There are so many things, all of us may or may not regret, and may or may not have done differently, but the bottom line is, we did everything possible to beat, as Sally would say, this piece of crap disease. You can't let it win.
We all do know how much you miss your beloved Shelby, as we all terribly miss our fur babies......I still wake up some mornings, reach down to the bottom of my bed, and instead of finding my Polly, there is my precious pup Pearl. I am so, so glad to have that wonderful pup in my life, and adore her, but it does not make me miss my Polly any less. While she has helped with some emotional trauma from losing Polly, I will grieve Polly for the rest of my life. I still shed tears everyday for her. This past Friday the 16th, was exactly 3 months since I lost her. But like I have said before, and truly believe, we don't ever get too much past the pain, we just learn to live with it, and lock it down deep in our hearts. Think about how Shelby would want you to be right now, I know she would want you to be happy and not hurt so much.
About getting a new pup to love, you will know if and when it is time, or rather Shelby will help you with a choice when the time may come. I firmly believe that as well. One day, some situation or something will click, and you will open your heart again to another pup.......until then, just take one day at a time.
Sending my love and healing hugs,
Bonnie & Angel Polly
Ok, Sally and Alison, don't go away from here, please! This forum would not be the same without you! Interestingly , I was having the same thoughts over the past few days. What am I doing still posting and reading when I don't even have a tripawed anymore. Truths be told I am probably on here mostly out of selfishness right now. I NEED this forum and you guys. You have walked with me through some of my hardest, saddest, crappiest days. You have listened and understood. And best of all have pretty much assured me that I am not totally nuts.
All of you that have helped me, THANK YOU! I also have the fear that TY will be forgotten. No one in my family wants to talk about him, with the exception being my 4 year old Granddaughter. Friends just don't mention him, I am sure they think it will upset me. If I come here and post or blog, it somehow makes me feel he is not forgotten. Forget Happy Hannah, Shelby, Polly, J. G? All ht e other tripawed angels? No way, not here! I am pleased and blessed with the wonderful souls here that I have come to think of as friends. Love from, Lori and TY PS: Sally, I am glad I made you laugh!
TY GUY, Best Black Lab ever! Diagnosed and had amp in January, 2014. Kicked MRSA's butt. Earned his angel wings on April 16, 2014. Run Free my boy and don't forget a shoe. Ty is a proud member of the " April Angels". Ty sent us Daryl, a Tripawd rescue in Sept. of 2016. Daryl is 5 +or -. We are also Pawrents to Chandler, a Border Collie mix who is 15 and 1/2, Lucy, a Corgi who is 7, 2 minis, 2 horses, and a feisty cat named Zoe. Zoe had a non skeletal Osteosarcoma removed in July 2015. No Chemo, she was at least 16. She is going strong although she is now completely blind. She is now close to 20 and her hobbies are eating and sleeping in front of her personal heater.
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