How did you get so smart? That was fabulous advice, and so spot on. In fact, I had been wondering if the tappity tap of my computer keyboard was bugging her at times, and today I think she answered that. She'd gotten up and gone into my office while I was running an errand, and when I returned and started working, after about half an hour, she got up and went back to the bedroom. So I moved to the bedroom to work. And, wouldn't you know it, about 20 minutes later, she went back to the office. LOL. I think she wanted some peace and quiet. And it made me laugh. So now I'm just doing my work as normal, because I realized you're so spot on.

Again SO glad I found this place. Thank you a million times over.

Well, I'd composed a great reply, and then got kicked off the system and lost it all. *sigh*

I’ll try to remember everything I wrote (and it was of course brilliant. LOL.) First, Alice, so sorry you got such a one, two punch with your Rotties. I love Rotties—30 years ago when I was being mentored to be a dog trainer, I didn’t have my own dog to take through the training program I’d be teaching, so I borrowed a neighbor’s Rottie, Bear. But the owner withdrew him when she realized how bonded Bear and I were getting. I tried to explain to her that if she would work with his training the way I had been, she’d build an even stronger bond with him, but...

Anyway, I was going to post today anyway, because Blackjack’s amputation surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, and I realized one day this week that I was working nonstop partly to keep from thinking about it. However, last night, things took a turn for the worse, and now I fear the surgery may be off the table as an option. She developed a nose bleed from one nostril last night that is still going intermittently. I got it to stop for a while by putting ice on her nose, but it just comes back. From all I read, that’s a very bad sign of a likely nasal tumor. 🙁 After sleeping on a folding chair next to my bed for 3 hours between 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. this morning, I got up to give her the next round of pain meds, and was able to crawl up on the bed with her. She lay her head on my legs and wanted loving on, so I spent the next 2 hours cramped up in a weird position to do that. Then I fell asleep for a while, awakened this afternoon by her coughing. Triple 🙁 I’m not absolutely certain whether the coughing was because of the blood clotted in her nose or from the lung mets, but I know the surgeon told me during the consult this past Monday that if she’s having any trouble breathing, they wouldn’t likely operate because of the difficulty of having her under anesthesia with breathing trouble.

She got up this afternoon to go out to pee (I’m amazed at how all through this, no matter how badly she’s felt, she insists on going outside—she’s always been such a good girl about that), and I noticed she’s lost a lot of weight in just this week. When she came back inside, she came into my office. I think this time because she is too tired to even try getting back up on the bed. She’s had a bit of a nose bleed again on the blanket in here, so I see it’s still intermittent. It seems to get kicked up with activity. 🙁

So now I’m going through the questioning: Is it time to say good-bye? If so, tomorrow or a week or? Do I just cancel the amputation or go ahead and take her, as difficult as that is on both of us because of getting in and out of the truck? And then I worry, because her worst times are always between 2:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m., and I have no one within 100 miles I could wake up in the middle of the night to help me get her in the truck to go to emergency vet should she have the trauma of struggling to breathe one night.

There’s also a terrible odor that the surgeon and I both thought was from the leg last week, but more and more this week I think it’s on her breath. 🙁 What I don’t know for sure is if it’s on her breath because she licks that leg all the time or because it’s coming from her lungs or nasal passages. Ugh.

I also went into a rant about how I’m so glad to be rid of my ex, because with the blood spots on the sheets, I know he’d have gone ballistic, where I’m thinking they’re only sheets and can be replaced, but no amount of money can buy me another Blackjack. And that led me to recount how my landlady, who fancies herself an animal person (and is always “rescuing” animals, but only to further her martyrdom agenda...long ugly story), who said to me when I first found out about the osteosarcoma, “You can get another one.” I wanted to punch her right in the face.

And that led me to realize the intense anger I felt early on has abated a lot. In the beginning I was so incredibly angry at my other dog (for still being healthy), at the vets, at my friends, at my employers, at everyone in the world, and at myself.

I’ve also gotten much better control over my premature grieving, thanks to the help of the wisdom here, by focusing on her, on her comfort and the love we share. Last night, after the nose bleed, I gave her her own bowl of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream with peanut butter on it, and I ate mine with her. Anyone from Texas who is familiar with Blue Bell knows they make the best ice cream ever. And in fact, she’s the only living soul I’ve EVER shared my Blue Bell with! LOL. She’ll get more tonight, too.

I’m again so grateful for this forum and all of you, because this has been such an incredibly tough time for me. Other people so don’t get the balancing act of controlling your emotions around her, while keeping a watch on everything. They don’t get the jumping up in the middle of work because she wants to go outside or is restless and uncomfortable, so I’d run in the other room or lay down on the floor with her, spending an hour or two comforting her. The no sleep, the disruption to work (and I’m SO grateful I work from home, but this has definitely taken a toll on both the quality of my work and the quantity), and the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion. Yet I dearly wish I could keep doing this for months. I’m very lucky to have some amazingly good friends who have astonished me with never saying a wrong thing (and who are insisting I keep their donations to her amputation fund even if we don’t get the surgery done). I do wish some of them were closer geographically, though, to help with just the little things like grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, or doing the laundry, which has been neglected horribly since my washing machine broke a month ago. Really bad timing on that, only because I’d love to be able to wash the sheets and her blankets more for her.

Anyway, being able to come here and read about others’ experiences and advice has eased my mind and made me feel less alone so often in the last 6 weeks. It’s been wonderful to have a safe haven where I know I won’t have to deal with the judgmental looks or insensitive comments.

Well, it’s time for her dinner and next pain meds. And I guess I should try to work some, too. And try to make some decisions about who I should call tomorrow and what I should ask of them (i.e., have my vet come out to euthanize her here at home or not. I’m just assuming he can, since he’s a ranch vet, but don’t know that for certain either.) I had been so happily planning everything for post amputation...we were going to have an early Christmas after she felt better post surgery. And of course, she’s not making the decision any easier, because right now her nose is not bleeding and she’s breathing fine.

I really hate cancer. As my vet friend in Colorado said back when we first learned of the lung mets, “This diagnosis sucks.” She said it a little more colorfully, but that’s the gist of it.

Thank you all for being here and being who you are.