Thank you all so much. I know that many of you have been through the same thing and know the toll that this grief takes, and we never really get over these dogs, they are part of our lives forever. And I know that you are trying to give me the opportunity to open up and deal with some of these feelings, so I will take that opportunity.

Killer was so loving and gentle with us, yet a fierce protector of our home. I read somewhere that rottweilers were "gentle giants", and that was Killer. That bark sounded so frightening, yet she was also a big clown who played hide and seek, ate all my marigolds and would do anything for a handful of walnuts. Once she knew you, she would come for petting, and then, if you stopped, reach up and grab your hand with that big paw and nudge you until you pet her some more. If she could get away with it, she would start working her way into your lap, all 75 pounds of her.

Our cleaning lady was terrified of Killer, and would make me lock Killer outside on the days she came (and I was at work). Killer would get really upset at being locked out and dig under the gate, go around the house, and sit at the front door wanting to get back in, virtually trapping the poor woman, who would call me at work and ask me what to do.

Killer loved belly rubs, apples, drinking water out of a hose--you know all of it, your dogs have been the same. She would run from the vacuum cleaner, and hide under the bed when she knew we were mad at her. We got "scat mats" to keep her off the good sofa, and she knocked them off somehow and got on the sofa anyway. She was kicked out of obedience training for going after the trainer's yappy lap dog who kept yapping at her.

You know Killer was a rescue in a way. My spouse ran across her one summer day back in 2003 chained up in the back of a pickup on a 105-degree South Texas day with a collar that had spikes on the inside. Somehow he talked these three guys into selling Killer to him, and then he had to convince me to let him bring her home, I had never had a big dog and was afraid of them. So Killer came home, and captured my heart.

And then to get cancer, and fight it, and win, only to be unable to walk....You know I do feel very guilty that I didn't go more at the end, the vets were disagreeing, one saying that it was hopeless and my dog was suffering--osteosarcoma and hip dysplasia, she said, that was a distinction without a differnce---one saying that more acupuncture and water therapy could cure her, one noncommittal. I just couldn't bear to see Killer unable to get up, unable to walk, and crying all through the night even though she was maxed out on tramadol and rimadyl.

Now I miss her so much that I don't want to come home from work. I miss her at the door when I turn the key, and begging for (and getting) part of my dinner, sitting outside with me by the pool (but never jumping in), coming into the office and sitting on my feet while I am on the computer, like now. Settling in for the night at the side of my bed. I will never have any of those things again, and my beautiful girl is gone. The house is quiet without her, and the world a lonelier place. I dread going to the vet to pick up her ashes, because that will seal the deal, that will say irrevocably that Killer is gone. Thanks for letting me talk about this. I am still in a deep grief, but I do want to share the wonderful things about Killer with those who understand.

Martie,

My heart is aching for you loss... I know you loved Killer so much... it showed in your posts... and how you adopted her from those three guys... It sounds like she had a wonderful life with you... lots of love, and many silly and sweet memories...

I know how hard it is for you right now... and when you get Killer's ashes, it will be like another blow to you... because it will definitely be final then. I hate that you have to feel the pain that I did... but that's why we are all here... to help each other, support each other... in the good times and the bad...

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time... Sending you a big hug!!!

Angel Jake's Mom

We're so sorry. Thank you for sharing your stories of Killer - I loved the cleaning lady story. Killer was a wonderful friend, and you both were so fortunate to find each other. Like Tazzie, I haven't known any Rottweilers (well, except for Carl, from the children's books my kids loved about him!), and feel like I've "met" some amazing rotties through tripods. We'll be keeping you in our hearts.
Holly and Holly's mom

Martie, I can't add much to what everyone else has said, but I'm here to support you too.  I love big dogs, especially the ones who think they belong on your lap.  Your love for Killer shows in your words and all of us know the grief you're feeling right now.  You were right to release her from her pain filled body--bless you for having so much compassion and putting her ahead of yourself.

I hope  you come back and share more stories.  May they bring you peace.

Mary

I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. I picked up Killer's ashes from the vet today and it was as hard as I thought it would be. I had put it off for about a week, really dreading it, but finally realized that it was time to bring my girl home. The "regular" vet who euthanized Killer told me again that she believed that Killer would never walk again, and I couldn't handle Killer on my own--and I'm sure she was right. The oncologist told me that she had had to euthanize her own dog who had cancer, not for the cancer, but for similar mobility issues. All of it is true, I'm sure they are all right, but I still miss Killer so very much. Most of my family has lived in the same place for many years, and they all bury their dogs and cats on their land. I will be moving back to San Antonio in a little over a year, so I had my baby cremated so that I could take her back home with me. This living arrangement has been really hard on Killer too, my husband in San Antonio and me in Houston due to a job move. He used to drive Killer from San Antonio to Houston for chemo, until we bought a house in the Houston area and Killer moved in with me. Unfortunately, I wasn't physically able to handle a dog of her size, or things might have been different. But we never can know. Once they are gone, it's like a big shift in time, and everything becomes the past, all that's left are our memories. Someone else on here was writing about being afraid of the end, and everyone was telling them to forget that and enjoy the time they have with their dog. Very, very true words. I believe that the cancer had spread to Killer's spine, as a couple of folks said, but I will never really know. Again, thanks to all of you, it's been a very emotional day, so I can't write much more now.