Hey guys its been awhile. I've been meaning to get back on this forum to go more into depth about Louie. Really just for my own closure I guess, but I have been dreading coming on here and talking about him. It just hurts to even think about him. I know I need to for my own sake to express my feelings and emotions, but I think I've just been trying to block it out of my mind. I don't like being sad and thinking of him only makes me sad right now. I read somewhere about coping with the loss of a pet that that is part of the grief process. That the goal is to get to the point where thinking of your pet no longer gives you feelings of sadness, but of happiness. I want to get to that point, but I'm just not there yet. It hasn't even been a month since we put him down and I find myself getting better. I will have days where I will go almost the whole day without thinking of him. Then I start to feel guilty that I didn't think of him, almost as if my mind is forcing thoughts of him away, just because they cause me sadness. After he was gone, it was really hard to look at pictures of him. Its like I didn't want to see them, but I did, because I didn't want to forget his face. I've never gone through something like this before and I have to say its the hardest thing I've gone through. Louie was the love of my life and I've never loved anything more than I did him. Its messed up, but I can't help thinking why did it have to be him. I have 2 other dogs that I wasn't as attached to as Louie. And I know its so messed up, but I can't help thinking why did it have to by my baby. I spoiled the hell out of him and I did everything I could have for him. Yet, cancer still got the best of him. 

It was just such a shock for me and my family. He did amazingly well after the amputation. I thought that with the homemade diet and the homeopathics and ozone therapy, the cancer wouldn't come back. He did great with the chemo too and I think that those 2 months that he was done with the chemo were the best for him. Then one day he started coughing. I think I knew the cancer had come back at that point. I just had such a bad feeling about it. I wanted to be wrong, but I wasn't. When he coughed up blood that one day, I just burst into tears because I knew it had came back. His last visit at his oncologist, we found out what I already knew was true. She said there was more chemo that we could do, but would only stabilize the cancer in his lungs, not regress it. It was also way more than I could afford. I was already in debt with the amputation and first chemo treatments. I knew I didn't want to put him through anything else anyways. She gave him 2- 4 months to live. I was upset after hearing that, even knowing that it didn't really mean anything, that he could live longer than that. But looking at his current condition, I just knew he didn't have long to live. He looked terrible. He had really bad eye boogers, was getting very weak and loosing his appetite. It was only 2 weeks after that appointment that he got to the point where all he would do was lay around and didn't ever want to go outside, which was always his happy place in our backyard. The night before he was put down he somehow was able to get on my bed. And he laid there all night. He didn't get up at all. We were fortunate to find a vet that came to my house and was able to do it there. Because there was no way that we could've gotten him up. It was very peaceful and couldn't have gone any better. I've never had to put down an animal and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I surprised myself though and was able to be there for it all. I sat next to him and pet his face and kissed him while it happened. The vet was super nice and afterwards made me feel a lot better about it all. Louie died peacefully on my bed with his whole family in the room. He even got to have a mcdonalds double bacon cheeseburger beforehand. I forgot to mention, it was his birthday. He finally let go on his birthday, Feb. 21st. His 4th birthday. I was happy that he atleast made it til then. I felt very good about it being his time. The vet even said he was glad that we didn't wait another day. I think the timing was perfect, even if it was his birthday. One thing you guys told me that really helped was to look at it like a gift you are giving him. You are giving him the gift of no longer suffering. 

I just wanted to thank you guys for all the support. Wish I would've found this site sooner. Everyone here is so sweet and its nice to know that I'm not the only one that has gone through this. I have never loved anything more than I have loved Louie and I hope that someday I will see some kind of sign that he is here with me. I kiss his clay paw print everynight before going to bed and the box that his ashes are stored in. I like to think that I can feel his spirit with me, but I just don't know if its all in my head. I like to think its not, because it makes me feel better to think his spirit is with me. I have pictures of him everywhere in my room and pieces of his fur. I plan on planting some forget-me-nots in my backyard in his honor. I am doing everything I can to have his spirit live on. 

Anyways, thanks guys for everything and all of the support. Thank you for loving my boy too. <3. Good luck with all of your tripawd babies. I wish you all the best. 

This is the picture I have framed of him. My favorite picture of him. He was so handsome <3. <img src="