All of the words from each and every post made it possible to get through each day this week.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and dear friendships. 

If you'll please indulge me as I feel a need to explain my depth of love for Comet and why I needed all of you more than you ever knew. 

I never had a blog because I didn't have a cancer dog and I know how much time it takes in reading and responding them, I couldn't take away from those of you that needed support as you faced a terminal illness.  I wasn't facing a terminal illness.  Not that that makes me any better of a person but that's not why I was here.  I didn't want to really tell my story because I didn't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I chose my path, most of you did not.  So, I felt more of need to make each of you smile and laugh even if it was just for a moment.  I knew the feelings you felt because of all the heartache I've had in my life.  I wanted you to just for a moment forget your worries.  I know I may turned off some for seeming carefree.  But I was never free of worry.  Worry for Comet consumed me because I loved her so much.  I escaped from it when I was here. 

As you know, she wasn't a normal dog.  She really was a special needs dog.  It wasn't her disability so much, it was the fact that she'd get scared.  No one could touch her except those that she loved (only a handful) She never bit anyone ever but she'd growl and rush them.  Maybe it stemmed from her beginnings or maybe her inability to fight or flight. And then sometimes it may have been because I was so protective and she didn't need to be brave.  Whatever it was, she looked to me to keep her from harm.  

However at home with George, Rugby and I, she was a normal dog.  She was the most fun with so many rituals!  What a creature of habit she was! She really was that adorable, fun, sassy, demanding, bossy, get off the phone mommy and darnit get me another cookie dog that I gave a voice to here. 

I wonder if I needed her more than she needed me because I put her emotions above all else. We needed each other but in hindsight, maybe it was me needing her.  She adored her daddy and he adored her, but her and I had something I can’t explain.  I read her mind, she read mine.  I knew all of her animated looks and knew what they meant. I interpreted them in her words to everyone.  We fed off of each others emotions. When I was scared, she was terrified and vice-versa.  I could give her a big fat smile and she would smile back at me.  And I didn’t care that she wouldn’t let anyone touch her. She knew that no one was going to hurt her but she just didn’t need anymore love.  She’d let the vets and vet techs touch her when they needed to. 

I was never not with her.  I was only away from her a few weeks out of the 12 years. Otherwise, I was with her 24/7. She was never not more than 3 feet from me most of them time.  I’d make up reasonable excuses why I couldn’t go places to people but it was really because of her.  It wasn’t healthy but I never wanted her upset.  If she was happy, I was happy.

And I would make myself physically ill over her because I held in all that stress.  Her knee surgeries and the 24 weeks of recovery (12 for each one) almost put over the edge. (try telling that to doctors!)  I was a kook.  Our lives revolved around her needs.  And we didn’t care what people thought.   She brought us so much joy.  

And then when Rugby (shep mix) died in 2009 (which is when I found tripawds), her precious safe world was gone.  My world was shattered. I couldn’t save him for her.  My job was to make her happy and I couldn't save him.  Comet and I were everything to him. He adored Comet so he was happy to let me devote so much more to her.  He loved her so much.  She had just gotten diskospondylitis (infection of neck disc) right before Rugby died which takes a lot of time to heal and it is hard to diagnose.  Between her depression and the infection, she wasn't her old self.  It was eating me alive.  My depression, her sickness and depression was almost unbearable.  I escaped here.  

Because she needed another dog for security, I had to get a dog but for her protection and my peace of mind, it had to be a smaller dog.  But then I felt like I did an injustice to her by getting her Rocket because he didn’t dote on her, he playfully picked on her!  Rugby was security.  Rocket, was well…a monkeybutt!  Making him the nemesis of tripawds helped me emotionally cope. 

But then when I started opening my heart to Rocket, so did she!  She genuinely cared about him and started playing with him.   I have Rocket to thank partially for helping me let go of my obession with her.  He wouldn’t let me live in my “it’s all about Comet” world anymore.  He was in my face saying, “Look at me, too!”.

My fears of how she would die never escaped me.  I worried it was be tragic and I would have failed her.  I would live with guilt for the rest of my life.  And in the end, it was perfect.  She wasn't afraid of anything;  not the emergency clinic, not the vet, nothing. She was so beautiful  and calm as I looked at her in the oxygen tank while she was still alive.  

She let me have peace.  She didn't need me anymore and told me.  She told me in that language that she and I only knew.

All dogs are special.  And I had some great ones and I've seen so many here.  But there just won't be another one like Comet.

Thank you for letting me finally tell my story in full.  And I thank you for letting me find my escape here.  But more anything I thank you for letting Comet and I into your hearts.  I found people who loved their dogs as much as I did and because of that I felt loved too. 

 So, thank you.

Ge'Lena

And if I didn't make this long enough already, here's what I put up with every single night wanting a cookie.