Day 9 post Op and I've been doing some physio with Meg. The rehab vet gave us a wobble cushion to start using, just standing on it with her front leg, and taking treats from side to side. Meg has embraced it with the enthusiasm she brings to everything. She keeps trying to get me to do it with her by going over to it, hopping on and barking. In fact I've had to lean it against the wall, or she'd never leave it alone. Anyway, I had to laugh. I was sitting on one side of the cushion and Meg was standing on the other side. I got out a treat and said 'Ok, on you get' and she immediately stepped forward onto it. 'Both legs!' I said, and then I realised. She's only got one front leg now. Duh! For a moment I had totally forgotten.

That's a great response, Christine. A really good idea. Giving people the information demystifies it, I think. People can be so weird about disability; it's as though they're embarrassed. Kids are often so much more straightforward. I love the zipper comment. I used to take my dog Billie, to visit patients in a psychiatric hospital. Some people were really not well at all, and I remember one woman who was very depressed and scarcely able to communicate at all and with the most terrible scars on her arms and neck. But Billie didn't see any of that; all she saw was a human being, someone to share some love with. She'd go over and nuzzle and the woman would stroke her. The woman never spoke at all, but Billie loved her and I always found their interaction moving.

I've had a bit of a crash to be honest. Meg is still doing really well and is now ten days post op. She seems comfortable and happy, though she has been licking at her wrist, which worries me, but then everything about her remaining leg worries me. I know I need to pull myself together, Be More Dog etc. etc. I owe it to Meg to be positive when she is such a positive spirit, but today I just feel like a great wave of grief has crashed in and knocked me over.

It's probably exhaustion more than anything. It's now very nearly exactly a year since Meg was diagnosed with end stage arthritis and that year has just been such a rollercoaster of hope and crushing disappointment. Meg has been through five major surgeries, and spent a total of more than two months in hospital as we tried and tried and tried and ultimately failed to save her leg. She's been incredibly resilient, much more so than me. I feel battered and broken by the whole experience.

The reason we were so desperate to save Meg's leg was because we were told (by one of the leading orthopaedic surgeons in the country, by reputation anyway) that amputation was categorically not an option for Meg. This was based on an assessment of her other elbow, which has dysplasia and arthritis.  In the end after putting everything we had, emotionally, financially and everything else, into trying to save it, the specialist changed his mind and decided amputation was an option after all. By this point I had lost confidence and took Meg elsewhere, where the view was that, though she does have problems with her other leg, amputation was worth doing.

So here we are, and all of that is in the past (except the bill, which I'll be paying off for the rest of my life) and that is where it should be. But I think this crash is maybe about recognising that phase is over. I'm no longer changing her bandage twice a day (I'm an expert elbow bandager should anyone need one), as I have been for the past four months, we're no longer going to laser four times a week and hoping against hope it will make the difference or holding out for the next lot of X-rays and praying the bone will have grown. It's gone. The leg's gone. And all of that's gone with it.

And I'm scared as well, I'm really scared about her other leg. Is her elbow suddenly going to explode, as the right one did, with no forewarning? Is it fair to put her through any of this when her other leg is compromised and the outcome is so uncertain?

And then more than anything I'm annoyed with myself for feeling like this at all, for sitting here in tears when Meg is so positive and upbeat and such a great dog and just deserves so so much better.