Mac and Amy,

Yes we know that the light at the end of the tunnel is really a freight train and in the end we will not "win" this battle.  Cherry was eleven the day before her amputation, and I have felt that I have been on "borrowed" time for quite a while now.  Having said this, I will tell you that I do feel that we are winning the battles.  Every day with my little girl is precious and I would not trade for anything.  I only think about today which has sufficient challenges that cancer is not on my thoughts.  When she bloated in March and again in June, I worried that she had suffered torsion.  If you think that Osteosarcoma is painful, you have not seen torsion.  I went through that with my two white standard poodles, and while I save both of them, the complications eventually took them three years later.  When ever she has a day that she does not want to eat and definately looks under the weather, I worry about mets.  When I brought Cherry home for the first time, I knew that my time with her was finite and this only better defines the length of that time.  I have not had an chest x-ray since her last chemotherapy mainly because no one can tell me what I would do differently regardless of the result.  I live for today with Cherry and have essentially shut down the rest of my life.  There will be plenty of time in the future to get those other things back in order.  If the x-ray is good will you really take today for granted?  If the x-ray is not good, could you really spend more quality time with them?

At the worst of the recovery, I clearly said that this will have been worth it even if we only have a short perid of quality time.  We are nine months post-amputation, one month of HELL, two months of real struggle, and six of very high quality.  That ratio cannot be bad.  Yes, the Osteosarcoma has changed our lives and to some degree it has actually dictated our lives.  However, it is not my constant thought.  Time with Cherry and how I can improve that time is my constant thougt.

Bob & Cherry

When we got the diagnosis and the couple weeks afterwards, I went through something called “anticipatory grief”.  Even though we still had Jack, all I could think about was when we would lose him and would spend my days in tears.  I made a post in the coping with loss forums, and the responses from Jim and Rene really helped me to realize that as dog parents, our job is to make sure our little babies are as happy as they can be for as long as they chose to be.  If we do that, we have done our job. 

Our dogs don't know they have cancer, so the aren't afraid of what's to come…we are the ones that are afraid of life without of dogs.  We would have conversations with Jack, let him know that he was sick, tell him we would do whatever we could to make sure he wasn't in pain, let him know we enjoyed our day with him, and that if his cancer ever got to be too much, to please let us know and we would help him become pain-free. As silly as it sounds, it really helped us come to terms with the fact that we can't change what's happened, but we can all have fun because he's absolutely still happy and healthy as can be, given his circumstances! 

Some people chose not to get x-rays because knowing doesn't change anything, but we have decided to go ahead and get them done since our Oncologist will start him on a new regimin once mets appear.  We had our second set of x-rays 2 weeks ago, and although our regular vet thought there may be a little something starting in his lungs, our Oncologist looked at them and knew it was just a blood vessel and nothing to worry about.  We are almost 3 months post-amputation. 

Here's the link to the advice I got when I was going through what you are, so I hope some of the links help!!

/forums/coping-with-loss/preparing-for-loss/

<3 Laura

Hi Amy and McGwire

yes, you are hearing from a few people like me who are hardly cancer 'veterans', only being 2 weeks or 6 weeks ahead of you. But then there is Cherry and Borzoid who have racked up a bit more time. Notice that most people on the website are in the midst of heavy therapy (amp and chemo), probaby because people start to relax as time goes by and they get into a rhythym.

I might be the biggest worrier of all, judging from the posts, yet something happened this last week (I think we are around week 6 with amp at July 15, although I no longer have exact count) that lets me relax. The difference can be seen in photos - Tazzie is his old/young smiling goofy self, and he really was not 'smiling' in pics from 1-2 weeks ago. He is behaving like a silly 8 yr old dog going on 1 again, well maybe 2, and not like the 15 yr old dog he seemed following the amp. I did feel the way you did because of all of his heavy breathing (and it was not at times when it was hot) and had a set of x-rays taken last week. The vet probably thought it was silly but it did help me. At least I know we got into the chemo protocol without the mets visibly showing.

I am worried that I'll be hit just as hard when lung mets and any other problems show as I was with the original diagnosis - I hope not, but of course it is not as though our bond with our dogs is any less than when we began down this road. It is easier to feel good about things when you feel as though you are doing something that will help: chemo, supplements, snake oil, whatever.

I think it might be a bit easier with a middle-aged or elderly dog (not that the loss will be any easier). If we can get a good year or two - or more - we will be into the realm of a 'normal' life span which is a bit easier for our mind's to accept, although I had hoped for something similar to the 16 yr racked up by my previous healthy mutt.

But yes, I have been obsessed by dog cancer since this began - to the detriment of work - and can't keep that up. Funny that Tazzie has been clingier than usual the last few days. And I sure hate to leave him behind even for a second (on second thought, maybe we are the clingy ones).

I can't remember - is Mac on chemo?

Susan

Do you ever relax?  Yes... and....No

For me, a non worrier, it is not so hard to keep pushing forward each day, and keep looking forward.  For my husband, it's a bit tougher. He looks for irregularities and then worries when he finds them.  Any bump, bite, itchy place causes that red flag to go up.

I can look at those places, tell myself it looks like a bite, resolve to watch it for a day or two and keep going.  That doesn't mean the thought never crosses my mind.  Do I think it will come back - probably.   The question then becomes how diligent and/or paranoid will you allow yourself to become anticipating that day?

I choose to live without the fear.  Trouble is happy and in being thankful for that happiness, I can let go of the 'what if's'.  It did take time for me to get to this peacefulness. It is very hard to get there before the recovery and treatments are complete.

Hope you find many peaceful days and months ahead.

Great topic Macsmom. I am going through the same questioning right now. (Oslo's osteosarcoma diagosed on 7/20/09 and front-left leg removed on 7/31) So every single post here is of tremendous help to me.

For now, I am just trying to not be too hard on myself when I have a bad day.  Last month has been so emotionnally and physically exhausting!  I am slowly learning to not think too much, so that Oslo may have a carefree mom to play with. I do believe he deserves that, but that not means it is an easy task.