Sorry that I have been quiet the last couple of days, it's just been really hard in my son and me.

I called the vet Wedneday around 10:50, students lunch, he told me that Cookie had passed away around 9 am. Cookie had ate more Tuesday night after we left and drank plenty of water. Wednesday morning, Cookie had eaten some. She even had gone potty #2! The vet said he was really thinking she was coming around. He was doing a surgery, someone called him back, she was standing up, gasping, laid dome and she was gone. The vet said he was shocked, said she probably had a heart attack or an embolism.

I texted my dad, he went over to pick her up. My dad, his friend, and a city worker dug a place in my front yard, beneath her favorite tree. My son and I said our last goodbyes and petting to Cookie. Papa then had his turn. I lowered her into the ground. My dad wanted to help, but I wanted to do it myself. I started talking to Cookie about how great of a dog she was, how she couldn't and wouldn't ever be replaced, how much we love her, how much we will miss her, and all of the little things that made her perfect for us. My son talked as well. We said a prayer thanking God for blessing us with such a wonderful puppy, please watch over her, protect her, keep her safe, and to make sure she knew how much we love her. Also, that I was sorry about everything and I wish things were different. By the time we were finished, we had my dad's friend crying.

Teddy hasn't really figured it out yet, he knows I'm upset and so is Jacob. He's been crawling up in my lap when I'm crying and I just hold him and cry even more. Just to let everyone know, I know how some of you said you feel guilty by saying everything is fine. I ask that you please don't feel guilty. The vet was always honest and said it was possible. We just knew Cookie would go against the odds. I have no doubt about it, Cookie did try. I know she loved us and wanted to be home with us. Perhaps had the vet started trying to force feed her a day earlier, she might not have had so much stress on her body. Or had we asked/demanded he try to force feed her earlier, it could have been prevented. I'm not going to live my life on what ifs. On our way to school Thursday, my son and I were talking about how we were upset etc and how it would affect our day. I told him Cookie wouldn't want us to have a bad day because of her. She was such a happy dog, always greeting us when we got home. Prancing on the floor, her back side wagging along with her tail. Jacob agreed, and said Cookie would want us to have a great day. You all were such great help and support when we first started this journey. I'm just sorry mine was so short, but I was blessed with Cookie for many many years. Thank you all for helping me, lettinge express my thoughts, questions and worries. I do truly appreciate it, so much. It has taken me several hours to compose this post. Thinking about what all happened, I've cried, stop, cry some more.

My son and I have experienced a lot of loss in our lives. My husband has as well, however as is usually the case in our life, he's not home. He has been working in Kansas since last Friday. So, my son and I have been leaning on each other. I wouldn't say I'm strong, only that is what appears to be when I'm with my son, Jacob. When I read your messages, I cry and bawl. You all are helping me put that strong front up for him. Jacob is 14 and has such a soft heart, he loves animals and would bring them all he if I would let him. Cookie always treated him like he was her pup. They would be lying down in the floor, she would start licking and grooming his hair. Lol. I don't think she would have passed away had it not been for the accident. The initial accident put her under stress, then thr surgery put her under more stress, then not eating weakened her even more adding more stress. It was a cumulative effect, I do not blame the vet or anyone at his office. I know he tried his best, and with that I have no doubt. I know one of the vet techs got attached to Cookie while she was there. He started calling her Cookie Monster....which was one of her nicknames we called her, and we didn't tell him that. One of the other names she was called was Cooks. Lol. When I would talk to her, she would always be looking at me in the eye. She always knew if I was sad or down. When we would sit in the recliner and I would pet her, she'd always start licking my hand. It was never slobbery, always so soft and gentle. I'm ready for the pain to go away, but I know it won't any time soon.

I lost an aunt when I was 12, my closest grandpa when I was 14, my mom when I was 19, my other grandparents in my late 20's and my closest grandma a few years ago. Jacob lost his paternal grandpa before he was born, two nanas at an early age due to divorce, favorite uncle, who was more like a grandpa, when he was 6, his aunt about a year later (she became distant after she lost her husband), his granny when he was 11, another aunt this past January. With so much loss around us, it has the potential to keep us down. Jacob already thinks we have bad luck, I don't want him to think it has to keep him down. Yesterday, Jacob and I were discussing Cookie. He told me, that it was the hardest loss he's had since his Uncle. That broke my heart. I hate that he's hurting, but glad he's talking to me about it and we are sharing memories of happy times with Cookie. He went outside a little while ago to the front yard, came back in and asked if he could water Cookie so grass could grow. I told him sure. A few minutes later I hear him dribbling his basketball, about 30 minutes after that he came in. I asked him how he was doing, he said good and that he was just out there talking to Cookie.

My dad made a little white cross for her, has her name on it. I dread coming home, because I know she won't be there. Even more so if it's just me, with Jacob I have distraction. When alone, I don't.