Let me start by saying Griffin is fine.

But that empowered, peaceful feeling I described in my recent post lasted for only 6 hours after his appointment concluded, at which point I received a call from Griffin’s oncologist.  She had just reviewed the completed radiology report which identified lesions on 4 ribs and a pathological fracture in one vertebra.  He is not in any danger of paralysis, but as we know, bones with lesions are more likely to break.  The vet stated how shocked she was by the results of the report because Griffin showed no signs of pain when examined.  She recommended that Griffin receive a bisphosphonate infusion (zoledronic acid) to help strengthen his bones and possibly provide pain relief.  Griffin returned to AMC on Thursday for that infusion and will go in every 3 weeks to additional ones.

It has taken me this long to post again because I’ve been pretty much in a state of panic since receiving that phone call.  How could Griffin have cancer eating away at his ribs and spine and not show any signs of pain?  Had he been signaling and in my overwhelming desire to show he was managing fine I just ignored them?  Were the signs there for so long that I just accepted them as the new normal for an 11-year old dog whose lungs are filled with tumors?  It feels like the end of his journey is rushing at me so fast and I am just so scared.

I know that having a plan always makes me feel more in control and balanced, so I’ve done a few things.  (1) A chiropractic appointment was deemed too risky, so Griffin is now scheduled for an acupuncture appointment on Tuesday.  The vet will come to our house and will also discuss with me supplements that may be useful in treating Griffin’s acid reflux.  (2) I did not notice any significant positive improvements after the bisphosphonate infusion, so with the oncologist’s approval, I started Griffin on gabapentin (300mg, twice a day) yesterday, and he does seem to be moving and resting a bit more easily.  (3) I had previously done some preliminary research on at home euthanasia providers in the NYC area, and reached out to several who also offer acupuncture.  I figured if Tuesday’s session provides Griffin some benefit, it would be comforting to form a bit of a relationship with a vet who could do acupuncture and who would also be able to help him cross the rainbow bridge when the time comes (the vet coming on Tuesday does not provide end of life services).  It would also be really nice to regularly have the opinion of a professional observing Griffin in his home environment in case I do miss any signs.  (4) I have researched and bookmarked mental health professionals who specialize in pet loss. I don’t yet feel ready to actually move forward with an appointment, but at least I have the information easily accessible.

There are so many horrible things about this awful disease, but it has been a special kind of hell to go through it in a pandemic with Griffin as my only constant companion.  I have always enjoyed living alone, but the lack of a physically present support system for the last year has been really difficult.  I try to put on a brave face for Griffin, and also for my family and friends who feel helpless not being able to be here with us.  But I’m struggling so much now, hyper-vigilantly watching Griffin’s every move, dissolving into tears when I think about not having him here with me, and not sleeping well.  For 7+ months since Griffin was diagnosed with lung mets, I have felt a constant level of stress that recedes at times, but never dissipates completely, and is at an all-time high level now.  I’m so very tired and I’m not bouncing back like I have with previous setbacks.  I keep reminding myself that Griffin is eating well, resting peacefully, and interested in walks, even if they are shorter and require more frequent rest breaks.  But multiple times a day I find myself praying for the wisdom to know when it is time and the strength to let Griffin go because it feels like the end is closing in on us.

I’m feeling a bit calmer today and focused on choosing joy one day at a time.  New York City was a winter wonderland this morning and Griffin was happy to munch on the newly fallen snow.  😊

I’m looking for advice and reassuring words.

My intention was to keep Griffin’s walk this morning super short – just a block out and back – but Griffin wanted to walk a bit further, so we did.  The sidewalks are pretty clear of snow and ice, he did not appear to be struggling at all, and I did not see him slip.  Suddenly he just stopped walking and it was clear that he was having trouble keeping his balance.  He walked a few steps and dropped into a pile of snow, leaning on his left (non-amputation) side.  His back right leg looked like it was having muscle spasms, kicking out and back in.  I checked for an ice ball in his paw pads, and he did have a very small one tucked high up.  That did not seem to resolve the issue.  He struggled to stand up and was clearly uncomfortable trying to walk.  I picked him up (one arm behind his knees and the other across the front of his chest) and walked back about ½ block, but he was not happy about me carrying him.  He was able to walk the rest of the way home (about a block), though we stopped to rest a few times and he was moving very stiffly (he has seemed generally stiff the last few days).  Once home he has appeared to be resting comfortably on his bed and on the rug, but groans whenever he changes position, and he is not able to get up on his own (this is the most worrying part).  He has lain flat on both his right and left side, on his sternum, and curled a bit.  He can stand unassisted once he is up, though he does not appear to be putting full weight on the back right leg.  He ate a full meal around 4:30pm and is drinking water as usual.  I used the wagon to take him out for a pee break after he ate; he groaned when I put him in and took him out.  He walked a few feet on his own outside to find a suitable pee spot, almost fell over when he tried to lift his leg to pee, and walked back to the apartment on his own, but he is clearly not comfortable.  I have felt all over his body to look for sore spots, gently pressing along his spine and ribs, and flexed all the joints in his 3 legs, but he does not react in pain to anything.

He started Gabapentin on Saturday, 300mg every 12 hours.  I gave him another dose this afternoon and will move to every 8 hours for now.  Before today, he wasn’t doing a lot of walking in our home, but he certainly was able to get up and down on his own to move to different resting spots.  He has an acupuncture appointment at home tomorrow, but in the meantime, what more could I be doing?