Sally that was a beautiful poem. 

Jerry, we aren’t doing so hot over here. Tried to go run an errand out of the house to face the inevitable leaving without the head pats, telling him we would be back soon, and asking him to protect the house and the cats while we were gone. Also coming home without the sweet face greeting us with a toy of his choosing. 
Both moms took off work today and tomorrow to try and take some time to sit with the grief and heal as much as we can together. My wife works from home so she was with him all day everyday.. and she is worried about getting focused on work, forgetting he isn’t here, and turning around to ask him if he wants to go out for business time. 

The small things are the hardest right now, getting up and not having him follow, eating meals and not saving the last bite for him.. just hurts when you realize it. 

we did call our primary vet, wondered if having them look at his X-rays and labs would give us a little peace of mind and closure. It was hard to trust the emergency clinic doctors… not having seen him before or been through the journey with us. We are scared to have someone else look at everything in fear of them disagreeing but also just want people we were familiar with and who cared about him to weigh in. Is this a bad idea? We are just so lost without him honestly. 

I’ve been waiting for some signs from him. One of the cats didn’t leave my side at all yesterday except to use the litter box and eat/drink. She cuddled up with me and kicked me in the belly when she was getting comfy just like Chiz would do. I always got all his paws, even before he only had 3, when he would lay down and cuddle up. Captain (the female cat) was doing this yesterday and I think Chisum told her to.. she also didn’t want to leave him alone on Saturday when he was feeling bad and started declining.. I think she knows and is trying to comfort. Which makes me feel like he is here and trying to get her to help in the grief. I also swore I heard his “I want something” whine faintly yesterday.. so maybe he has already been reaching out to me. It’s hard to know because there are lots of tears and feelings.. so I may not be aware enough to see more yet. 

im sure I was rambling on this post… my mind is definitely going through whiplash. I hadn’t ever taken a dog from a pup to the end.. and we had hope after the all clear from the oncology vet.. plus shepherds just seem extra special. I feel like I am getting hit extra hard with all of these factors. But thankful to have the cats so we don’t have an empty house either