I am still in shock and cannot believe I am writing this.  We lost Allen to metastatic spinal cancer.  Since they found I believe three different types of cancer in his tumor two years ago, we do not know what type of cancer it was but the guess is OSA.  They did not show up on X-rays.    He also had one nodule in his lung. 

We had no idea he was sick.   Hindsight shows us he had some behavioral changes over the past four months but nothing bad.   On Thursday night we had a bad thunderstorm and had a lightning strike very close to the house.  I screamed, the boys freaked out, and we lost electronics from the strike.  The living room showed how scared the dogs were from the strike because dog beds and carpet runners were scattered everywhere.  Allen stood and shook in the hallway and nothing we did or gave him could calm him down.   Standing that long always impacts him so when he was sore that night and cut our evening walk short, we were not surprised.  

Thursday night, Allen wanted to sleep in the living room but wanted me with him,  I slept in a dog bed with his head on my thigh.  I gave him some galliprant and we slept through the night.  Friday he was able to go down the stairs ok but he could not go up the stairs.   I started to feel dread that I was about to lose my dog.  Once again, I was sleeping in a dog bed with my boy.  I had wanted to call my vet to get him in on Saturday morning for X-rays but Allen was very needy that night and I overslept and it was too late to call.  I started calling the local emergency vets to see what wait times were.  Allen was always extra anxious and would never lay down in a vets office.   He finally started using the beds at his acupuncture two weeks ago but I realize that was probably because he hurt.   

On Saturday I reached out to Dr Williams, our PT vet, and told her Allen’s current symptoms and my gut feeling that this was something really bad.  Our normal 24 hour urgent care had become a full blown emergency hospital and no longer did appointment.  Allen didn’t meet the criteria as even an urgent case so we were told we would be waiting at least two hours or more to be seen.   With his anxiety, they referred us to an urgent care in Raleigh that could do imaging.  They had no more appointments Saturday but could see him Sunday at 2:30 pm.  Allen is still on his feet and only needs assistance going up stairs.   We notice a large bruise on his inner thigh but cannot explain it but it wasn’t growing.  (Allen was a bleeder so a bruise could be life threatening quickly.)

Saturday night was horrible.   Allen could not settle and kept wanting to go outside but once outside had no idea what to do.  He had one strange walk where he urinated four times but his stream was not as forceful as normal.  He peed four times and each time took 45 seconds instead of 15 (if you ever had a dog with bladder stones, you learn to monitor urine flow and count the seconds).  Two hours later he peed like normal.   We were up and down all night and he slept in the bedroom that night but would not settle down until I sat down next to him and he rested his head in my lap.  I had given him gabapentin and it can cause issues with motor function and increase anxiety so we blamed the anxiety and mild ataxia we were seeing on that.

Sunday morning he was still able to get up and walk without assistance.  He started needing help laying down and was starting to have issues with proprioception but mild. He came out to our living room and joined us for coffee.  He needed help laying down which was concerning and we were going back and forth between head straight to the EV or keep our appointment.   Allen went into a deep sleep finally so we set a baby monitor on him just let him rest.  I went and ran an errand right before we had to leave and Allen didn’t great me at the door.   That has never happened.  

He started to fuss, made eye contact with me, lifted his tail and actively pooped in the bed.  He was upset and it became clear he could not get up.  We are now in a crisis.   Just getting him to the car was hard on everyone. We were not able to get the help em up harness on him and just used his ruffwear harness and a towel.  He left a trail of poop down the hall and had some urine leak out too.   He had almost no proprioception in his hind leg.  The decline in less than 6 hours was shocking.  

we called the EV and gave them our eta.  One look at him and hearing how quickly he went from ambulatory to this and they came with a stretcher.   The next 24 hours was a roller coaster as none of Allen’s test results showed anything that aligned with any other tests.  Possible lung met.   X-rays and ultrasounds show no tumors.  His bloodwork is a little wonky but his clotting tests were horrible.  Because of his bruising and possible internal bleeding, he was sent to Blue Pearl who treated his bleeding the last time.  Blue Pearl was waiting with nurses and a stretcher for us.  Everyone was still thinking this was all a fall related injury.  

when we left Allen, he still had full control of his front legs and could sit up, he could not stand.  He had some motor function in his remaining hind end and obviously still had deep pain.  They stopped testing for it because every time they squeezed his toes it was bruising badly.   

they called me at 5:30 to let me know he was clotting normally again and they were still having issues  with their lab and were sending his blood out for another lab to review.   They had nothing from all the tests they repeated last night.   They mentioned that his bladder was very full but he was not peeing inside.  They were going to wait 12 hours before giving him a catheter.   I explained he is a dog who will pee any chance he gets but is not paper trained.   I asked them to take him outside and see if he can still pee.   Express his bladder for him or give him a catheter if not.   

The vet went to do that and everything came crashing down after this but we started to get answers.   Allen was so happy to get up to pee and was able to pee on his own.  His hind leg had no motor function at all.   They immediately tested him for deep pain and he was negative.   Allen was not painful at this time and actually didn’t appear to be in pain but was mostly anxious.    Allen was not a candidate  for spinal surgery due to his bleeding disorder and Hyperkalemia (high potassium that causes the heart to contract and stay contracted, never beating again) plus the success rate is only 10%.  I speak with the PT vet on life in a wheelchair for Allen.  Allen shows signs that he might be able to adapt so we ask for a neuro consult,   If he is just paralyzed from this suspected fall and is pain free, we will give him a chance with life on two legs.  

The neurologist spent a bit of time with him and found his pupils were different sizes and it all went downhill from there.   They could not identify what exactly was causing all these neurological issues without better imaging.  We declined the ct scan and MRI because they were going to be too many hours under GA.  We didn’t get the test results until late in the day and I had told them I wanted at home euthanasia if he remained stable.  We made a plan but the cancer had other ideas.  The neurologist called while Walton was in his PT appointment so we were in town.   I went over to a friends house first to try to get my tears out before I saw Allen.   We got to the hospital before shift change and Allen came into the room in a help em up harness dragging his hind leg and having some ataxia in his front legs.   He no longer could sit up on his own.  We cuddled like it was a Sunday Afternoon.   A thunderstorm rolled in and all three of us are thunder phobic but I asked Walton to be brave for his brother and to just lay back down.  He did.  He shook the entire time but tried to be calm for his brother.  Being littermates, they had a tight bond.   They let us stay too long.   Allen was now painful and on pain medications and they were wearing off.  He was starting to get restless and I was about to call the nurse when they showed up to say he needed his pain meds.

I had asked that Allen be assigned one nurse and she stayed with him until his last hours.  They bonded and she came in and asked Allen if he was ready to get up and he immediately started helping her get him to his feet until he looked at me and flopped himself back on the floor.  I stepped out and he let her get him up then.   The ataxia on the front was worse than two hours before and he was focusing so hard on trying to move his legs That when Walton ran up to him to initiate their special greeting when they are apart, Allen could not reciprocate and do kissy face and p*cker sniffing.   Walton has been crushed ever since and is avoiding almost everything that Allen liked.   Everything but the big bed in the living room.   Walton won’t even eat out of the food bowl Allen preferred or the bed he preferred for night sleeping.  

seeing Allen be carried away from me and how quickly he was declining changed all of our plans.  Even though he was mentally there and not vocalizing his pain, we should have let him go that night.  In the morning, the paralysis just kept inching up his body.  My biggest fear was it was going to hit his diaphragm and his death would be the most terrifying experience for him and everyone around him.  The vets and techs remarked more than once that we were not normal clients and we knew a little too much.  They admitted that it was a possibility and we probably didn’t want to wait too long.  Allen had lost use of his left front leg and it took a lot of effort to do the paw of more with his right.   

On Friday I had promised Allen his own Sirloin on Monday because he was begging so hard for my ribeye that night.  If I had known, I would have given him the steak I had cooked for my lunch the next day.  His last meal was one ounce of ribeye (Rich would not let me bring more thinking he would choke since he had stopped drinking on Monday), Bojangles supremes, and a taste of apple mead.  He didn’t care for the mead this time, should have gotten him some sweet wine.   I swabbed his mouth with water so he could eat.  He ate the steak with enthusiasm and was happy.   He did not care for the biscuit this time.   He also was completely on board with me swabbing his mouth.  He drank a few sips of water but liked me swabbing his mouth more.  

my poor little boy was just bleeding without clotting and had lots of bandages on him.  He was vocalizing quietly when they carried him in.  They didn’t know why he was in pain exactly but he was definitely in pain now.  He was tired and the fighter in him was starting to fade.   He still loved his people and had moments of alertness when he ate and interacted but mostly he would fade and rest.  

We didn’t bring Walton with us because of several reasons.  Allen was the dominant dog in the house and Walton was not allowed near him when laying down.   Walton has always wanted to cuddle Allen like when they were puppies but Allen always said no.  We didn’t want him to witness the actual death as we didn’t know how his brain was going to process that event.   Whenever I have had animals see another die, it has not been good for the survivor,    Cookie needed to see Nixon’s body and she was behind a screen when he died but she did get to hear his heart stop and him stop breathing.  She insisted on going with his body to the vets car and even kissed him one last time.   Rich wanted to be with Allen but would have stepped outside with Walton instead of having a stranger hold him.  

Allen passed with his head on his favorite pillow and my arms wrapped around him, spooning like always.  Rich was holding his paw.  The staff had fallen in love with him and were amazed that he lived this long without chemo.   And how big he was.  Apparently without me around he was a model patient.  

the house is just so quiet.  Wildlife keep walking up to the house.  An 8 point buck that Allen had always wanted to eat showed up yesterday morning.  Allen was always barking and standing guard but I had started thinking he was barking just to get treats but no, he was so good at barking them away, we almost never saw them.  Allen was always providing commentary on everything and anything.   His big nose was always in your business or goosing you and laughing about your discomfort from the invasive butt sniffing.   

this has been the hardest death on me.  Yes, he was with me for two more wonderful years but he was just 6.  His birthday is August 4.  I had to take the day off because I just am so angry right now and I want my dog back.  On the one hand having such a quick decline was a blessing because he was always Allen right until the end but my dog is still dead and still want one more hug.