Thanks much Heather, Zeus and Jerry -- I know - time.... I've been here before - grieving a loss I think I will never get over....but, I have managed to get through those experiences so I imagine I will survive this as well.  One of the things I struggle with Jerry, and I appreciate you pointing out, is that my connection with Jack will not diminish when he doesn't occupy my thoughts constanty as I feel like he does now.  Its so bizarre but I just have this fear that as my grief subsides, my memory and connection to him will subside as well.  Intellectually, I know that is not the case but I guess its a struggle nonetheless. 

I had a rough night last night that extended into today that was triggered by the card I received from my vet -- it was a nice note.... "The sadness that I feel for you is so deep I have difficulty talking about Jack".  She is a very caring doctor, great with her patients and has an obvious love for them and her job.  She goes onto say that "I think veterinary medicine failed him.  I failed him."  meaning she feels like she failed him... "I can only promise you that all involved will reviw the case.  Hopefully this course of evens will never repeat itself."  This threw me into sobs -- I can't put my finger on why but it upset me incredibly.  I don't blame her at all.  If I blame anyone (which I really try not to do) I blame the first place I took him back in February 08 when his first biopsy came back clear.  By the time I got to her in July, it was, it turns out, too late.  But I thank her because she gave him three awesome three legged months where he swam, ran, fetched sticks and hiked -- she was the one who finally got the diagnosis for me.  I just wish I found her sooner... who knows what the outcome would've been... and then we go back to the "what if", which I can't do to myself... Jerry, I hear you in my ear --- what if Jack never came into my life?? That would be far worse than this!  So, I'm not going there but that part of her note upset me but I can't explain it.... anyone have any thoughts on that???

I'm trying to bounce back here a bit... just a rough night last night that dripped into today and I still feel just "blah".... 

jerry - yes, felt better after the chat and was even able to sleep - thankfully -- since I slept about 3 hours the night before...  I'm trying so hard to remember what Jack taught me and what Jack wants for me.  To go with the flow... enjoy life again.... ugh...  so much easier said than done...

lalla -- love that saying - made me smile... am going with the emotions, whatever they may be.

Thanks Vicki - remembering him and the good memories.... I am feeling a bit better today...ah the roller coaster of grieving...

Am planning on going on my first Jack-less hike this weekend with our usual hiking buddies -- we'll see if I can actually go ahead with it -- it is going to be so incredibly difficult.  But I think it will be part of my healing, just not sure I will be able to tackle it this weekend.... 

Heather - thanks much.  I do the same thing you do -- push myself more than I would push others.  It seems I keep going through things in my life where I say "well, if I can survive this, I can survive anything" -- and then that "anything" happens.  But, all of this stuff, is this thing we call "life".  As dog lovers, this is part of our lives.  I just didn't think I'd have to go through it so soon with Jack.   But, at least this evening, I have been able to focus on the good stuff - I was blessed to have Jack for the time I had him and I'm trying to put into practice what he taught me. 

Not sure that I will hike this weekend - going to play that one by ear.  This is my first weekend home without Jack and that will be tough enough... so, I may just try to get through it and not push to do the hike. 

Oh and you say you "wish you had these helpful suggestions" for me.. did you read your message to me???  You did...

Argh...miss Jack a ton.  The decision to hike or not to hike was made for me -- its absolutely freezing here!!!  So, I'm just battling through the first weekend home without him.  Figure that's enough for one weekend.  Was able to stay busy and semi-distracted for most of the day. 

Jerry - read your rainbow bridge post - thanks so much for that -- made me cry!!  But, that's nothing new...

Day at a time....   

I'm hanging on to that "it does get easier" Jerry....

I went ahead and took the hike -- the hike Jack and I always took -- went with my good friend and her dog, our usual hiking buddies.  It was hard.  Started sobbing when I got dressed to go -- Jack always knew my hiking clothes  - as soon as I'd put them on he'd start jumping up and down spinning in circles.  It was extremely difficult but I was able to talk to her about him and about his passing as we walked.  I felt close to him when I was out there.  I felt him all around me and could see him trotting along the trail, picking up sticks and jumping in whatever water he could find.  Bittersweet overall...I know he would want me to get out there... wouldn't want me sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself.  I took this first hike to honor him.  And he was with me.