Hmmm.  Well...

This year we are doing exactly what we want for Christmas.  I'm not sure what that will be yet, but it will include mimosas in bed with movies (great idea!).  No obligatory parties or get-togethers, maybe the presents will get bought and maybe not, maybe the cards will be sent and maybe not.  The only decoration I'll put up is a tree and that will go up with some tears.  But I know Sam will be so excited and getting into all the lights and ornaments and forcing me to laugh.

A year ago, we didn't even know Tate had cancer.  We were trying to make a nice Christmas for my mom, which was not working because my sister died on December 4, 2008 and so Christmas became very hard for her.  But Tate was there to cheer her up, and he was with her all through winter and spring and summer and into the fall.  He was with her when she couldn't move or talk and couldn't see him but I put her hand on his head and she smiled.  Then, when his work here was done, he left us.

So yeah, Christmas is going to be hard this year.  I'm going to Grinch and bah-humbug as much as I want, just to get through it and I'm glad to have a place I can admit that.  But I also I plan to hold onto the inexpressible gift that is Christmas.

Like so many, I've had incredibly mixed emotions as I read through all the posts on this forum.  For a short time I was angry and saddened.  So many, many folks in our Tripawds family were experiencing so much pain and when I saw it coming out in what seemed to be disgust with the Christmas season I was shocked.  Bad movies?  Grinchy songs?  Geeze, I thought - It's hard enough to deal with the pain of loss without losing the joy of the season.

BUT WAIT - - 

Before you respond to what I just wrote, let me continue . . . Over the past two weeks I've been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. Everything made me angry.  Why are other tripawds surviving so long and Sylvia is dead?  My husband and I decided to take a last-minute vacation to Michigan's U.P.  I'd always wanted to go there.  Now with only 2 dogs - both of whom travel well, unlike our ill-adjusted, wild sheepdog - we could take a trip.  Both Jim and I got sick (just the usual winter crud) on the way home and I spent the next week trying to work and having to take sick days.  And I absolutely didn't want anything to do with Christmas.  Just a few short years ago (and for most of my life before that) the winter holiday time was a time of joy - baking, decorating, making gifts, etc.  But as the years go by and bad things happen, I just don't have the energy to deal with the post-season let-down.  

And now, here we are in our first Sylvia-less December.  We are very strapped financially this year and had agreed months ago that we'd skip the gift-giving this year.  So it wasn't a big leap for me to say, "Screw it.  I just do not want to deal with Christmas".  No getting decorations out.  No tree.  Just go on through it and not let it touch us.

So - I cry because I miss how I used to feel at Christmas.  I cry because I miss my Sylvie and feel guilty that I didn't realize that she was dying and let her suffer longer than she needed to.  I cry because I see the loss and pain as I read through the forums (spending too much time on the "Coping with Loss" and too little time on "Shout Outs").  I cry because another leading Princess Warrior, the amazing ET Gayle is gone.

So, dang it - If any of us can get through the season and out the other side intact because we create Grinchy song lyrics and watch shoot-'em-up movies:  More power to you!!   If some of us have to cry and cry and cry some more:  If it helps heal, so be it!!

We all have our ways of coping with grief and loss.  There is no right way and wrong way.  So.  I am sending all of you hugs and positive wishes to make it through another tough time.  And tomorrow, Jim and I are going out to get a Christmas tree.  We'll hang Sylvia's ornaments alongside those of Banjo and Charlie.  We'll cry, we'll laugh, we'll think about the hopes we had for Sylvia a year ago. And we, like all of you, will get through this.

Sending you love,

Karen, Sweet Silly Spirit Sylvie, Jim, Banjo, and Charlie

Dakota Dawg said:

Our one family tradition that we will not break is that we watch "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", usually on Christmas Eve. It always makes me feel good (and warms my frozen cockles, too, Jackie) to see someone else's family screwing it up and being unhappy. Never forget the great line " I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery." But even better, and what speaks to some of the sentiments being expressed here, is "And when Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse."

Nuthouses and Christmas just go together like wine and cheese.

Love it...that's our tradition as well. I find something new in it every year to laugh about. Maybe that's what we have to remember about this horrible year that we've all had, is that with each new year comes something new to laugh about, even if we have to search for it.

We lost Io last month. He was diagnosed with osteosarcoma just before Christmas last year and so last Christmas was spent waiting for him to have his leg removed after the holidays and so it was a very subdued and frightening time .  The one thing we were hoping for was that we would have him with us this Christmas so that we could celebrate it with him and forget about last christmas; sadly it was not to be.

 In the days that followed Io leaving us I thought that this Christmas would be another very subdued occasion but having time to reflect and come to terms with life without our little boy I asked myself - "Would Io want us to be moping around with long faces on Christmas day - not going out on our usual Christmas day early morning walk etc “?. The answer would be NO!!.  It always amazes me how our three/four legged friends pick up on our emotions - they always know when you are unhappy and absolutely thrive on your happy/ positive emotions.  Therefore this Christmas is going to be a cheerful one and normal one - Big walk in the woods Christmas morning, nice Christmas dinner and some fond memories of our time with Io, sure it will be tinged with some sadness but his spirit will be with us and I would love to think that he will be in touch with our positive vibes and smiling down on us enjoying the things he loved to do and seeing us happy !!.

We wish each and every one of you a wonderful Christmas/Holiday season.   We would also like to thank you all again for all of the support and help you gave us this year with Io’s journey- words are simply not enough for us to express our true thanks to you all.

Rog, Mitch, Cobweb, Spirit Io and Mouse (new boy in the house!!)