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What now? Random thoughts...
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15 October 2008
8:24 am
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Forum Posts: 80
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18 May 2008
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Tomorrow is two weeks since we said good-bye to Abbey. I intended to post at that time but my mind is so full of things I need to say that I decided to write today.  Thank you for listening. Very few people ask me how I'm doing and I need to talk.  It's not that people don't care or have forgotten that I'm grieving her loss, I think they just don't want to upset me. It makes them uncomfortable. I understand that and it makes me all the more grateful to be able to pour out my thoughts here.

When we got Abbey's ashes back, there was a certificate authenticating that these were indeed her remains and no one else's. They tagged her with a numbered "dog tag" which went thru the cremation process with her. The certificate said she was cremated the same day she died which I questioned since my vet said they use a private company. They affirmed that the Treasured Paws Inc picked her up that same afternoon. All this to say I was so happy that the sun did not even set and she was already cremated that day. She did not lay in a freezer for days on end like some do. I know these are very morbid thoughts but it was really important to me. I also know she is not there, but these are the remains of her little body I loved and cared for and I keep the box on her bed, at my bedside. I don't know how long I will have this little shrine of photos and toys, but it brings me comfort for now. 

I find myself talking out loud to her ~ all my "dog chatter." You know what I mean. I also let myself "see" her in familiar places and I imagine her running circles and throwing her toys in the air like she always did. When my mind goes to those last minutes, I don't linger long. I prefer to see her strong and healhty and happy, running and smiling. I have to make the choice to visualize her as alive and in her prime and I believe it is true. The spiritual world surely parallels this physical world. We cannot see with these eyes, but it is real just the same.

I also notice feelings of guilt trying to creep in if I didn't cry "enough" for her one day, which is ridiculous. I tell myself she'd much rather I be happy. Grief is weird. They say there are several steps we go through til we finally reach "acceptance." I'm not sure what those steps are.

In an odd way, there is some sense of relief because the dread of putting her down is past. Thinking about it was actually worse than the reality of it. God's Grace really does come when you need it and ask Him for it. I didn't faint or throw up or attack the vet like my imagination considered. When it's time, you just know it's best and desire release for your precious friend. There is also freedom from hurrying home to be with her. For months, I didn't leave Abbey for a minute longer than my work required. It was almost as heart-wrenching as leaving young children when I went to work~ I would have preferred to be home. I love my work though and am grateful now to not be at home all the time.

I know I will get another puppy but I don't know when. I've heard some people say they waited too long and never did get another. I don't want that to happen, but I am not ready for the responsibility and intensity a puppy requires yet. I've considered a rescue dog that is a year old or so. I've also considered a kitten because they don't require as much attention or any training like a dog. I have a 15 yr old cat named Sadie but something about a funny little baby kitty is appealing to me. We think it would be a good thing to do until we are ready to bring a puppy home.

I look online for dogs and cats at the SPCA site for our city but have not gone to visit yet. There are soooo many animals needing homes; it just breaks my heart. There is an underlying thought that this could happen again with my next dog...what are the odds? How many dogs get OS and if I get a smaller dog, does that reduce the odds? I understand it is genetically inclined to be more likely with large breed dogs, 50 lbs+. I also understand that the smaller the dog, the longer the life span. But I don't like little yappy dogs. I like larger, calmer dogs.

The bottom line is if this dreaded disease visits us again, I would not do a thing different, except I'd amputate immediately. We waited 8 weeks after diagnosis but did accupuncture to help control the pain. What I will do differently with my next dog is to feed her a fresh diet all of her life, not just the last 6 mos. They really do enjoy variety just like us and I believe it is so much better for them. These are my random thoughts...Thanks again for listening.

di

15 October 2008
10:05 am
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6 October 2008
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hi di! thanx so much for shareing your thoughts with us. i know how hard that can be. and im so sorry for your loss of abbey. but shes in a happy place now. a place that knows NO pain and suffering.  dont feel guilty if you dont cry for a day. its normal. when a person is grieveing they dont always cry but they do have this overwhelming feeling of sadness. almost as if you felt you cried so much for your beloved pet that there are no more tears left to shed. you will have your days when you can cry a river and other days you may just sit there with a heavy heart and wonder why your not crying at all. the grieveing process is indeed "wierd".

my dog zeus is in his final stage of OS right now, atleast i think he is. hes very lethargic and can barely walk on his hind legs. his condition has worsened dramaticly in the past few days. its only been a little over a month since he had his front left leg amputated. i didnt expect him to have the symptoms so soon. he also has a cough. i know it wont be long before im feeling the same way you are right now. i think ive cryed many rivers by now since zeus was diagnosed on august 29th. its a terrible feeling to know that cancer has gotten a hold of your dog and there isnt a darn thing we can do about it. i love large breeds also and i too know that they have a greater risk of getting cancer than the little dogs.  ive also heard that being spayed and neutered at a young age may also play a role in that. 

thanx again for shareing your storey. you came to the right place for support but i think you know that already. i havent been a member for long but i can see how careing people are on tripawds and im so glad i stumbled across this group.

take care and dont be afraid to "dog chatter" out loud 🙂

thinking of you,

-tara&zeus

15 October 2008
12:54 pm
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26 January 2008
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Dearest Di,

I read you loud and clear; I really know where you are coming from. Isn't it wonderful how we have Tripawds.com as a place to let it all out? You're very brave to have a shrine; I couldn't bear to have anything of Lalla's around for awhile, even photographs of her friends. About the new dog...you know we have Troy now, only 3 months after Lalla left, a period of time many people thought was far too soon. But it kinda went along my line of thought that every dog has its own name worked out already...Troy came along when he needed a home, and we had one to offer him. The right thing always happens at the right time. Don't push yourself. I love your celebration of Abbey's life.

 

15 October 2008
12:56 pm
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28 May 2008
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Hi di...thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I really appreciated your sharing how you felt about letting her go - I, too, envision becoming ill and this horrible feeling of guilt and upset and it was very helpful to know that you had a sense of peace knowing that it was her time.

When it's time to welcome another into your heart, you will know. I have a rescue dog, Buddy, also a golden retriever like Zeus and he has brought me so much love and joy and taught me many wonderful lessons. It's a nice avenue to take and extremely fulfilling if you're willing to adopt. They both occupy my same heart in different ways.

I wouldn't do anything different either...it's a good feeling, "<a href="