Update on Zeus and my frustrations - Breathing issues were caused by Gabapentin and/or anti-inflammatory - vets are not sure so we took a chance and stopped both and he was instantly better. He just does not seem to tolerate any medication which will be a challenge once he starts showing actual signs of pain. The reason we started him on medication in the first place a few weeks ago is because both the holistic vet and his oncologist told us that he MUST be in pain so we need to prevent/manage it. This was right after we discovered the lump on his shoulder which made them suggest that there must be pain involved with it even though he does not show it. We just could not see any signs whatsoever - he runs, he jumps up on the couch, he jumps in and out of the car, he sleeps stretched out, he does not pant, he is not curled up, when he wakes he gets up without issues - there were just absolutely no signs of pain - but we went with the advice of not one but two vets. He started getting worse right after we introduced the medication - he coughed a lot, had difficulties getting air into his lungs, he had those awful noises, no appetite, nobody slept for days, so we thought, just as we were advised, that the disease is just progressing really fast and we needed to make decisions. The disease is progressing, but those symptoms he had were definitely not caused by the cancer spreading. So, we robbed him of at least a good couple of weeks and we missed our little trip that we planned....I am having such a hard time trusting these days and I have such pent up frustrations. I know that every dog is different and that every situation is different. But this is all so very stressful and I had it under control, I had my emotions in check, I made my peace, but I am losing it now because of all this guessing and assuming and medication that may or may not work - all the while Zeus could have been enjoying his remaining time with us rather than being sick. And that will haunt me forever. We are so very confused and just exhausted of keeping it together. We are ready to explode. But we won't, not yet, for his sake.

So..our boy is still kicking it! He is generally in a great mood and is eating well. Loves being outside, running around, we go to our "secret" places where he can roam free, he loves car rides, he loves playing with his buddies (my husband takes him on play dates every few days) and if we were not constantly reminded about his condition by this awful growth on his shoulder we would not have the slightest clue that anything was wrong with him. Whatever happens from now on will actually be the natural progression of the disease, and for however long it takes, we just hope and pray that we did not speed anything up during these last few weeks.

We lost our dearest boy this morning. He died peacefully in our arms. Things changed so quickly since last Monday and turned so bad that we don't know how to cope with this pain and massive emptiness. We are facing a huge challenge but take comfort in knowing that he is no longer in pain, that he is free and watching over us. My hands are empty and I so long to hold his sweet face one more time and tell him again and again just how much I love him. Something big was ripped out of my chest today and I will never be the same. I feel destroyed and lost right now. The floodgate is open..we've been holding it together for so long.