Hi there,

Still struggling to get him to eat, but the loose poop is a little better thanks to some rice water, pumpkin, and some all natural kaolin/pectin liquid I found. His checkup yesterday was ok, he’s now down to 45lbs. The vet suggested doing the endoscopy but said in his condition there’s a high risk of intestinal perforation, she wants to rule out GI Lymphoma. To be honest, I dont want to put him through more treatment that would he would likely not tolerate. So I respectfully declined and asked what else we can do. So now we’ve added a steroid to the mix to see if that will calm down his tummy, increase his appetite and get him to gain some weight. I’m praying this works, he’s so skinny I’m getting more worried if he keeps losing weight. Seemed a bit nauseous the rest of the day after his appt and despite eating really well the day before, I was not so lucky yesterday. Not sure what changed and I was so happy he liked Turkey, but now he’s turning his nose to everything again. I’m trying to make eating stress free, he does seem to have a bit of anxiety around food. Last nite he acted like he wanted to eat, I had some bread he liked, he would sniff it, take a bite and then spit it out. I don’t get it. But now that he’s got some steroids in him I hope this changes. Thank you all for the great suggestions.

My Jake went over the rainbow bridge yesterday afternoon. I’m so overwhelmed with grief I don’t know what to do with myself. He had been declining all week, not eating well, not enjoying life as much as he used to, some tail wags, but he had become so weak, even getting off the couch became difficult. Yesterday morning I woke up because I heard a strange rapid thumping noise. I had been cuddling right next to Jake and noticed he was awake too, just staring at me and cuddling. It was his heart, it was beating so fast and loud. He looked uncomfortable but he’s so stoic he just layed there with me and gave me kisses. When I rub his ears I usually get a big moan out of him but even that’s been hard to get the last few weeks. I tried to get him up to go potty but he was even more weak than the day before. We’ve tried everything to get him to eat, I recently got some ground bison which he loved and I thought maybe this was a good sign. But he wasn’t eating enough still. When Jake was first diagnosed, he and I talked, and I told him to let me know when it was time, I know the look well. It’s the same look he gave me when he was in so much pain right before his amputation. 

But yesterday I was in denial, even though he was giving me that look. I instead worried that maybe the rapid heart rate, the panting, the weakness, was a sign of infection which can happen with prednisone, or maybe he had an electrolyte imbalance related to his not eating enough, although he was drinking water and always being a sweet boy. So I took him to his internist at Advanced Veterinary Internal Med to get checked out. He was so weak they took him in on a gurney. He was so brave. When the vet called me to go over what she found the first thing she asked me was, “How is Jake’s quality of life?” I had to be honest and tell her that it’s not great, that he’s struggling to just get outside now, not eating well, he seemed down at times but always loving. I asked her to be honest with me, if there was any hope that he could come back from this, and she said there’s always things we can do, but in the long term, should we be doing more to Jake, and despite my denial I knew she was right. She said there was no infection, but that his rapid heart rate and panting could be discomfort, pain, his body being malnourished despite everything we’ve tried, I was and am heartbroken. But I don’t want him to suffer for my own need to keep him with me.

My mom was with me and we all made the decision to give Jake peace. He wasn’t very happy anymore, not playing, not able to go potty on his own very well, I still can’t believe it. Because of covid we had to meet them outside in the back of the building in a quiet area. He was on a nice warm bed with blankets, just looking at me with that beautiful face. At first he was a little worked up because my mom and I were crying. He always gets upset when I cry, so I told myself I needed to be strong for Jake so that he was calm. I pulled myself together and we sat outside together for over an hour, just enjoying the fresh air, cuddling, hugging him, I massaged him. He gave me lots of kisses, and he gave me that look like it was time and he was ready to be free. I got on the bed and was holding him the whole tone with his head in my lap. It was so peaceful and heartbreaking at the same time. I didn’t want to say goodbye but I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable anymore. 

When the vet came outside to give him the medication, he was so calm, so peaceful, his head in my lap and cuddling, he looked at me with so much love. And then he was gone. I kept him with me for another hour, just petting him, loving him, and finally letting out the crying that I’d been holding in. He was so beautiful, such a beautiful perfect soul, I’m devastated. I didn’t know I wouldn’t be taking him home yesterday, I didn’t think that I had to make the decision so soon. I feel so empty, so lonely and so lost. My apt is full of his toys, blankets, his smell. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. We tried everything, I thought there would be more time, but I’m trying to remember that I got almost a year and a half more time with him after his diagnosis and loved him with everything I have. Im so lonely. I just want him back, and I feel lost.