Update time - sorry for the long gap. It was a rough few weeks. 

After our initial consult with an oncologist who was positive it was osteosarcoma, we made a second appointment with the ortho surgeon at the same facility. He came back and said that 1) he didn't want to amputate because he'd never done such a large dog and 2) that he didn't think it was osteosarcoma, but rather a severe osteomyelitis. That was just confusing. We had another round of x-rays taken and took her home and continued with the carprofen and added hydrocodone on her bad days. Some days she barely moved, then other days she'd be all set to take a 45 minute walk to her favorite pooping grounds. It was really hit or miss. 

Those second X-rays though. Wow. Her tumor had grown massively in 2 weeks. It was now the size of a grapefruit and was starting to spread these weird cloudy tentacles into what was left of her soft tissue. It was hideous and looked like nothing I could find in the pile of veterinary radiology and oncology book I brought home. I have human physicians in the family who were flabbergasted. The radiologist at the vet clinic was likewise puzzled. We continued with the meds and threw in some antibiotics (the same ones she was sensitive to when she had the infection post TPLO in that left a few years prior). 

We took her back to the surgeon who did her first successful TPLO (and the successful TPLO of our last mastiff, who was a tough case) for yet another opinion. He immediately dismissed the osteomyelitis. A chronic infection couldn't get that severe that fast - and the lesion wasn't anywhere near where her original TPLO had been removed. He agreed to admit her, open up the area and take cytology sample to get to the on-site path for a quick check for blastocytes to confirm cancer and then call us to make the final call. 

He never got that far. He opened the skin and basically described the mass as "mushrooming" out of the bone and invading everything around it. There was literally nothing left but the cortex and the skin. And it was starting to eat at her skin. There was no way to close her back up - it was either amputate or euthanize. The surgeon told he had had no idea what the tumor was, but there was no doubt in him mind it was some kind of sarcoma, and that it had invaded everything around her tibia. 

So on Friday, August 25, she had the surgery. They took her leg and told us to expect to pick her up in 2-5 days once she got up. Ha. She was asking to go outside to potty by midnight the same day and we were told to come get her the following afternoon. 

She's home now. And I am pretty much heartbroken. She can get up OK, but moving around is still a massive struggle. She has a hard time getting comfortable to sleep. She's panting heavily all the time. She's eating, drinking, and going potty outside, but she seems absolutely miserable. Her tail hasn't so much as twitched once. I feel like the worst human ever for doing this to her - for taking away her independence. She was still running on all 4 legs when we dropped her off on Friday. Now she can barely lay down on her own. Her surgical site is still dripping some, which the vet assured me is normal, but she's clearly in pain despite the mountain of drugs we have her own.

I am feeling so much guilt and regret. The pathology won't be back for 10-14 days. If this ends up not being osteosarcoma - I will never forgive myself for doing this to her. Maybe I'm just tired, but this is all becoming so overwhelming so fast. I try to act upbeat and strong when I'm with her - cheer her on when she's getting up and hopping a bit, but the minute I'm out of the room, it's all I can do to not break down and cry.

She whines at night. She wants to run. She dreams of running and her stump runs with her other leg. I'm wondering if I made wrong choice and put her through this just to buy time for me at her expense. I'm trying to find rehab services for her that are in my area. I still don't know how I will transport her there, but one bridge at a time. She can barely get around with the sling right now, it's been 3 days. I guess that's normal for a dog her size. I want to do everything I can to get her the professional help she needs to be as stable and strong as possible on three legs or my own guilt will explode my brain. I'm just barely holding it together. I don't know how you guys all do it - everyone talks about how they don't have regrets, that their dogs seemed to have a better QOL after surgery, etc etc., and I'm feeling the opposite.  

What have I done? Will she adjust? Will she ever be herself again? I know no one has the answers, but I'm an absolute wreck today. 

izzysmomma,

Thanks so much for your reply! It's good to hear that a determined to get up pup is one that's going to be determined to move, too. 

Clouders never had a fentanyl patch. She was sent home with codeine (60mg every 8 hours, which the vet told us to bump to every 6 hours) and 150mg carprofen every 12 hours. We have been supplementing this with hydrocodone as needed (usually just night time) - which the vet didn't prescribe, but ultimately relented on. Having all those people physicians in the family definitely makes it easier to get whatever she needs. Her kidneys are strong so we're not too concerned about that right now. 

She pants a lot, but only really whines at night. And I'd characterize it as her "talkative" whine as opposed to the sound she made when she had torn her CCL before. I think she's whining because she wants something she either can't reach (snacks) or can't do (chase things outside). She doesn't seem to be doing the high-pitched whine I associate with her being in pain. But the panting makes me nervous. It's a fast pant, lots of fluid dripping from her nose, SO much drool. When she's not panting, she seems to be breathing a little harder than usual. She doesn't seem short of breath. 

She's a bit more mobile today. I finally set up the room where she's used to sleeping with a carpet cover and all that and she actually got up and hopped down the hallway by herself to meet me there! That was a nice surprise. She still has a really hard time laying down and getting comfortable anywhere. If you have any advice on how to help her arrange her bum on her mattress, I'll take it!

And there's a link to a pic in my initial post, I haven't quite worked out how to embed pictures here yet, but here it is again:  

View post on imgur.com

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That pic is from the week of her Dx, I'm not quite ready to take pics of her with her new .. style. It's still really, really hard for me to wrap my head around everything. 

izzysmomma,

Thanks so much for your reply! It's good to hear that a determined to-get-up pup is one that's going to be determined to move, too.  And yes, it was quite last minute as far as the amputation goes. Before we admitted her, the ortho was pretty blunt that the tumor was going to break though the skin sooner or later. The largest part was growing right under scar tissue from the TPLO and subsequent removal surgery, so weak skin which already was being stretched very, very thin. Once that happened, she would not only be in a lot of pain, but sepsis would be a concern. I kind of think he already knew he'd be amputating that morning, he just didn't want to break it to me because my hopes were set on the lesion being a bone manifestation of her prior infection that could be cleaned out and salvaged rather than cancer. 

There's a link to a pic in my initial post, I haven't quite worked out how to embed pictures here yet, but here it is again:  

View post on imgur.com

. This is a pre-op picture, I'm not quite ready to take pics of her with her new .. style. It's still really, really hard for me to wrap my head around everything.

Clouders never had a fentanyl patch. She was sent home with codeine (60mg every 8 hours, which the vet told us to bump to every 6 hours) and 150mg carprofen every 12 hours. We have been supplementing this with 5/375 hydrocodone as needed (usually just night time) - which the vet didn't prescribe, but ultimately relented on. Having people physicians in the family definitely makes some things easier. Her blood work was good before and after surgery (we'd been giving her small dose hydrocodone for a couple weeks already), so there's not much worry about the effect on her kidneys and liver right now. 

She pants a lot, but only really whines at night. And I'd characterize it as her "talkative" whine as opposed to the sound she made when she had torn her CCL before. I think she's whining because she wants something she either can't reach (snacks) or can't do (chase things outside). She doesn't seem to be doing the high-pitched whine I associate with her being in pain. But the panting makes me nervous. It's a fast pant, lots of fluid dripping from her nose, SO much drool. When she's not panting, she seems to be breathing a little harder than usual. She doesn't seem short of breath though.  She still has a really hard time laying down and getting comfortable anywhere. If you or anyone else has any advice on how to help her arrange herself when she goes to sit/lay down, I'll take it!

On the bright side, she's eating, but not begging for food the way she did pre-op. She doesn't feel so hot to the touch, so I'm thinking her fever is largely resolved. She had a pretty high fever for a few weeks, which I think was making her ravenous. She's on a new grain-free diet now, eating about 1/3 of her usual amount. I hate withholding food, but right now her weight is her biggest enemy. Since she isn't able to get up into the kitchen to beg or eat from her bowl, feeding less is a lot easier. 

Again, thanks for your kind words. Also, if that's her in your profile pic, Izzie is ADORABLE! Absolutely incredible she fought OSA and a subsequent knee surgery - that's some serious spirit. She was lucky to have such a wonderful human for 14 (!!!) years.  

She reminds me a dog I used to know - my decades-ago former roommate had a doberman-pittbull mix whose best buddy was an oversized American Bulldog named Norman. They would run each other into exhaustion, then lay next to each other, covered in drool, still chewing on each others' ears and feet and generally being nuts. Love those big mutt-loafs!

Another update because yesterday ended up being a Very Big Day. 

First off, thank you everyone for all of the advice and support. Just hearing other peoples' stories has been amazingly helpful. I've never needed a support group and stupidly brushed off their value. I know better now. 

Izzysmomma - you are my new favorite person (Love the T-shirt pic!)! The sheet thing was an AMAZING idea. I was able to get her settled in a good position so easily. I had been trying to do it with just the peepads, but they tore because she's .. er.. got some junk in her trunk. The sheet trick was perfect. 

Second, after a very long night and an awful morning yesterday, some magic switch went off in Clouder's brain and she just *got* her new body. I took her outside to lounge on a massive beach towel on the grass and soak up some sunshine before it got hot out. I was feeling pretty sore myself from the sling-walking and realized she probably felt 20x as sore as me, so I did some reading and gave her shoulders and spine a gentle rubdown, just straightening her out and working out a few knots up in her shoulders. She fell asleep on my lap (a first, she normally dislikes cuddling). I left her laying down maybe 20-30 feet away while I went to get the garden hose (she loves drinking from the hose). I had just neatly arranged the hose in a potted tree to prop it up so I could hold her sling in one hand while operating the water and went to go help her up, but before I could even grab the sling she was already right behind me! By herself! Best surprise ever.

After that, she was skipping all over the first floor, sniffing out her old spots, getting under the dining room table (her old "den," as it were). She's wiggling her tail for the first time in days. She even tugged on a toy with me for a minute on the floor before she got sick of it. Her nose is wet and cold for the first time since she first developed whatever the hell ate her leg up. I'm so happy I could explode. The lows are low, but the highs - hot damn. By evening she was getting up to greet other family members coming home, getting grumpy and vocal about not receiving scraps, wagging her tail all the time, and getting around the first floor of the house on her own terms by herself. In other words, she was herself again.

And the kicker - she had a normal poo before bedtime. You know you're getting stir-crazy when the highlight of your week is watching your dog HOP .. poo .. HOP .. poo .. and whooping gleefully. The neighbors thought I was a little weird before, but I think I've topped their expectations.

I tried the boxer shorts earlier today, but she just wasn't having it. The bright side to her weight is that she literally can't turn herself into enough of a donut to lick at her incision, but she also can't quite see what's going on back there. I put some silk boxers on her and she went bananas trying to see what was back there and how she could get them off. What a dummy. The swelling is getting so much better, as is the bruising, so I think she'll just go bare-butt until her fur shorts grow back.  I also made myself look at her stump, touch it (had to put some ointment on some gnarly razor burn anyway), and let myself accept it and let her know that I'm down with her new look. We used to jokingly refer to her back leg when she laid with it sticking back (as in the above picture) as her "chicken leg" on account of how much it looked like a chicken thigh & drumstick. Now she's rocking a chicken wing. I'm getting more comfortable with it, although watching the muscle flex when she's balancing is still so weird. 

Clouders has now greeted all her favorite neighbors, who are all flabbergasted to see her as a tripawd after seeing her on normal walks last week, but equally impressed with her tenacity. I was a bit overt about how she's exactly the same dog as she always was, so everyone got the point to remind her that she's still a beautiful monster. She's a sucker for compliments. 

You know what guys? I think we're gonna be OK. I finally understand why so many of you continue to post here - even though some of your own stories have long since reached their final chapters. There's something undeniably magical about this process. It's ugly, it's sad, it's heartbreaking and scary, but it's also indescribably wonderful and joyous. Also, everyone here is awesome. There's no judgment, but nothing is fake nice or patronizing.  Seriously, I can't thank you all enough. The repliers, the posters before me, the bloggers, all of you. 

There was a video - I think Tazzie was her name - that convinced me that giant breeds aren't just a lost cause. I doubted it those first couple of days, and I was so wrong. To atone, I'm going to do something I've never done or wanted to do - take and post videos online - specifically, video proof of how wrong I was and how resilient and obstinate mastiff goofballs really are.

Pics coming soon!