Thank you all so much for being so understanding. It’s hard to explain to other people who haven’t gone through the worry and anxiety of a sick pet what it’s like to fear the worst and have it come true. A few of you expressed that it would be alright to share my memories of Vivian with you and I think that might help me, too.

I adopted Vivian from the Dickson County Humane society only a very short eight months ago. My fourteen year old male lab mix, Titus, passed away a month or so before and we were considering fostering an animal in need to keep my small dogs company. I went to donate some food and Vivian was in the lobby. She had recently hurt her foot and they kept her up front to watch her and as the ambassador of goodwill towards dogs, people, and cats alike. It was love at first sight, but I didn’t plan on adopting her. She had quite the story behind why she was at the shelter. When Viv was just a tiny puppy she got lost in Montgomery Bell State Park for eight months! When she was finally found she was HW positive, sickly, starving, and scared. Her original owner did not want her back, so she lived at the vet’s office for several months until a nice lady with a large farm took her in. Then five years later, her new owner became very sick and had to surrender her to the humane society. Depsite all this, Vivian was the happiest, most gentle, and sweetest girl around and all the staff at the shelter wanted to adopt her for their own. When I left, Vivian busted through the door, jumped in my truck and would not budge. So, I adopted her and from that moment on she made me happy every single day of our short time together.

We have a small farm in a really beautiful setting, and Vivian just loved it here. She swam in the pond, walked with us on the trails, loved riding in the truck, and chased the chickens for fun, but would never hurt them, she was only playing. She even won the love of my little Chihuahua mix, Ladybird. Birdie was afraid of her at first, because Titus bullied her quite a bit, and she kept her distance. I started to notice that Birdie would stick right next to Viv on walks and eventually if there was something that scared her a little, she would go stand under Vivian. Birdie started snuggling with Viv on her dog bed which was a big move for Bird.

She just had this way about her, everyone and everything loved her. My husband and I joked that her time as a survivalist and in the dog slammer had made her a wise mentor J When I took her places she was a like a superstar. Kids would run up and want to pet her -which she loved. She would sit still and let them hug her, kiss her, pretend she was a pony, etc. Everyone commented on how beautiful she was and her size. See, Vivian was a HUGE black lab. So large, that it’s possible she was one of those Labranards, or maybe a little Newfie in there. She was a very fit 100 pounds and stood almost three inches taller than a large male at 27inches.

She may have looked all noble and regal to other people, but I got to see her hilarious goofy side too. She ran like a giraffe and was just about the least graceful dog in the world. My husband compared her running style to a mentally challenged ton ton (from star wars). She was not embarrassed to fart up a storm, sometimes bad enough to run you out of the room. She was a brave and loyal protector, especially if it involved a cow or a mole, both were her sworn enemies. She LOVED her food, and she would give me a talking to if I was running even a minute behind on our regularly scheduled time.

I miss all those things so very much. I have a tendency to daydream about what the future will be like to the point of creating elaborate scenarios in my imagination. I spent so long worrying about her paw problem, cancer diagnosis, and recovery from amputation that I had all these plans for us when she got better. We were going to hike more, go on history adventures (I’m a historian), maybe give the therapy training another shot, and do all the things that she couldn’t do to the fullest because of the pain her paw caused her.

Now, I just feel so empty without her. Our walks aren’t the same without her clumsy gallop, feeding the other dogs is different without Viv to remind me that I’m running late. I woke up almost every day to her giant head staring at me next to the bed, which started my day with a big smile. I can’t bring myself to move her dog bed, I made it especially for her so she would be ultra comfy and she was very attached to it. I’ve read some of the posts in the “coping with loss” forum and it gives me tremendous comfort to know that I’m not alone in my grief. I know that grief takes time to heal. I lost both my parents at a young age and it took a long time to recover. This is so different than losing a person though. I feel like I was responsible for her and I let her down, that I didn’t get to say goodbye. My relationship with Vivian was just this pure, unconditional love that didn’t have all the complicated issues that human ones can have. My memories of her are all positive, all happy, and I hope her last thoughts were of those happy things. I hope she’s somehow still by my side, looking after me, protecting me from moles and cows J And maybe one day we will see each other again.

We buried Vivian in a beautiful clearing near the front of our property. My husband is working on a cabin in that same spot, the light there is magnificent in the morning and at sunset. I plan on planting a tree at the head of her grave in the spring to honor her memory.

Thanks for reading my long post, it helped to get it out and share my sweet girl’s memories with other people.