I'm not a dog trainer or behaviour expert, but here's my two penny's worth.

Dogs do not blame us for things that happen.   You taking him to the vet and coming back later to collect him minus a leg will seem to him just ... something that happened.  If he associates anyone with the loss of his leg, it'll be the vet.

I should also tell you that Sid had a rear leg amputated because of a bad break.  Being an ex-racing greyhound, his choices were euthanasia, pinning & plating, or amputation.  Many, many adoption societies dealing with hundreds of dogs a year with limited resources, sadly have to decide on the cheapest option if they're to save the dog.  There are many three legged greyhounds around whose limb could potentially have been saved, if the money had been there to do it. 

Sid's racing owner paid for the op on condition that he would be rehomed as a pet. He would have paid for the pinning & plating too - he's a nice guy - but when they got him onto the operating table it was a mess and couldn't be saved. The vet said it looked as if his hock had exploded.  So in Sid's case it wasn't much of a choice in the end, and he had the leg taken off there and then.

His trainer said she'd never seen a dog in so much pain as Sid, the night before he had his op.  When he came home minus the leg, he took a day or two to adjust and then never looked back.   Your little guy's recovery won't be easy, and there will be difficulties, but as people here will tell you, dogs adjust quickly.  They don't sit around saying 'where's my leg. I miss my leg. I'll never run again', they just get on with life on three.

Here's the interesting thing.  When I take Sid back to the vet - the same one where he lost his leg - he can't wait to get in the door.  In fact, rather than standing in the consulting room looking at the door to go home, he'll try to push past the vet to go out the back to their kennels.  It's as if he remembers it as a place where he went in hurting badly and came out with a LOT less pain.

I won't lie to you. If you could find a way to get his leg pinned and plated he'll have a better quality of life and avoid many of the problems associated with being a tripod.  There will be difficulties.  But he won't love you less.  Personally, I don't think it will affect his relationship with men badly, in fact, sometimes it actually works the other way round; when they're dependent, they learn to accept more help and allow people closer to them.

I hope that has been some help in coming to a decision.  Good luck, whatever you decide. 

I don't have experience with the behavioural problems but what I can do is echo some of Jay's comments.  Magnum loved the hospital where her amputation happened.  She wasn't as keen to walk into the oncology building after several sessions of chemo BUT she always loved walking into the emergency building and wanted to say hello to everyone there every time we went to see oncology.  On her last day she was in a lot of pain from the cancer having spread to other bones but she seemed so relieved when we got to the emergency building.  It's as if she knew they would fix her pain. 

The one change I saw in Magnum was that she was a more affectionate dog as a tripawd and a little more dependent on us. 

Regarding the anti-male issues, I hope you can find some resources or someone who can offer advice on how to help bandit regain his trust in men, or at least gain trust in your husband.  Good luck.

Karen and Spirit Magnum

I would go for the amputation.  I agree that with him being little, it is going to be easier.  My Spencer was around 85 lbs before amputation; but even he was up and going a few days later and wanting to run well before the stitches even came out!  For Spencer he never minded going back to the vet where his amputation was done.  He would jump out of the car, run in, wag his tail for everyone... (going to the vet for chemo was another story, he got nervous there).

And honestly, while Spencer was always a great dog, I think he was an even better dog after the amputation.  It was like he was somehow even more appreciative that we cared so much about him.  Also, before amputation, he had some issues with men in hats (something to do with when he had been a stray I always assumed); but that was much better after the amputation.  (not totally gone; but much, much better.  I have no ideas for why though.)