Dear fellow Tripawd lovers - Im very sad to have to tell you that I had to let Winston go on the 30th October - last Thursday. Winston was a golden retriever with osteosarcoma - diagnosed in April of this year. We had recently celebrated his 6 month anniversary of his amputation of his right rear leg.  He sailed through the surgery and recovery  - and we had 6 happy months with him - so I have absolutely no regrets about the decision to amputate.  We chose not to do chemo and were told his life expectancy was about 6 months - so we focussed on giving him a great summer.  Those summer months were filled with daily walks in the woods, swimming every weekend at our summer cabin, and chasing balls on the beach.  I have some great memories of those days and many many photographs.

He started slowing down at the beginning of October. Our walks would be slower and would take longer.   I had taught him ( prior to his op) to stop at each bench to rest - as he was in so much pain from his cancerous leg, and yet after the surgery he continued to stop at each bench even though he didnt need to rest.  I became convinced after a while that he thought we were stopping for MY benefit not his!! ( I am only 47 - not exactly past it!).  This use to make me laugh - but by the last week in October - I was grateful that he insisted on stopping at each bench, as he was the one who needed to rest.  He was such a sweetheart. 

As he grew more tired, he did some uncharacteristic things that made me realise how ill he felt.  One day he very reluctantly joined us on the front lawn for a game of ball - usually he didnt need to be asked twice.  Another day - he went to the bottom of the garden and lay down under the bushes - something he did only when he was feeling sick.  Then, one day, when a guest came to the house with her dog, Winston greeted the dog with a low tail wag, sniffed her nose and then flopped onto his bed. He had no energy to play with her at all. Only two months earlier he had met a chocolate lab on the beach at our cabin and played all day with her - swimming and running on the beach.  I watched all these signs with a breaking heart as I knew that the Winston of old was drifting away.  My husband and I were very clear that we did not want to let Winston deteriorate any further - we did not want to get to the point where he had no quality of life and no dignity.  I made the decision to call the vet and his last day was the day before Halloween.   

His last day was a happy one. We went for a walk in the woods and at every bench I told him how much I loved him and cuddled and petted him. He wanted me to throw balls but didnt have the energy to retrieve them.  We met a golden retriever puppy - about 9 weeks old - which was Winston's age when I bought him.  It was so moving to see him as he had been once - a tiny puppy, fat tummy, nippy teeth and a ball of energy - and now - thinner than he had ever been, a tripawd and so tired. But he gently nuzzled the puppy and wagged his tail as the puppy tried to play with him.  It was a very sad moment - but happy at the same time and made me realise that life would go on after Winston - there would be more puppies in my life.

Our drive to the vet was very quiet - I sat in the back of our truck with him, holding his paw.  He was quiet and subdued.  The vet explained the procedure to us and my husband and I spent some time alone with Winston.  I told him again what a great dog he was and how he would soon be in a better place and running on 4 legs - chasing squirrels.  I told him I would always be with him and would never ever forget him. He went peacefully - his head falling heavily into my hands as the sedative overdose took effect and his heart stopped beating.  I stayed with him a while, crying and crying and finally my husband led me away.  I realised later that the reception staff were also in tears - and I remembered how they had all adored Winston.  We had been going there for 7 years, and the staff knew us well.

I have not received his ashes yet - but I know that I will scatter them in the wood, near our favourite bench - our 'kiss and cuddle' bench as I use to call it.  I have not been able to go back to the woods yet -  it is far too painful, as his spirit is all around me there. 

It has been tough explaining Winston's passing to our twins - now nearly 4 years old. Death has not been part of their experience so far and they do not understand.  I have explained to them that Winston has died, and they appear to understand, but will then ask two minutes later, 'Where's Winston?'

I know I will get another dog sometime - I dont know when.  It is very much a heart decision for me - and when I see the right dog, I will know it.  I will continue to visit this board I think - as it has become so much a part of my life over the last 6 months. 

Best wishes to all - new tripawds and old and all spirit dogs,

from Carolyn and spirit dog Winston. ( Seattle, Washington.)