I cannot tell you how many times I've stared mindlessly at this blank page ...unable to write anything.

And then tonight I did the same thing...and there was my Happy Hannah's Banner! YAAAAAAAAY HAPPY HANNAH!!

I HAVE started making my notes to write each of you. with my horrible typos and slow hunt and peck system...this may take awhile! But I so value each of your caring and comfortng words so greatly and they have helped sustain me, it is an honor to be allowed to reply to each of you.

Sooooo many are experiencing their own grief and have expressed their feelings so well. I guess I just want to add a DITTO.

I want to be honest with you with my feelings and yet, I would prefer to do it when I was in a better place. Then again, maybe something that I share will help soeones else feel a little less alone...or a little less "nuts". Actually, the realityis, the grief on this journey can make us looney tunes crazy nuts!

So, with some quarded trepidation, and because Happy Hannah's Banner came up and because I've had about seven "how are you" today...the very least I can do is answer....because of these "signs"!! (and yeah, I pretty much "unloaded" on one of the "unlucky seven" because it was right in a "I can't take another breath" moment.)...here goes. And this is NOT to be a self-indulgent pity party! ALTHOUGH, anyone who's been through this is certainly entitled!
As long as the party incudes ice cream and chocolate!!

Hopefully, there will be something, somewhere in these ramblings that will help so eone somehow!

I am completely LOST.....no purpose.....no focus.....a lonliness that comes when you feel like your soul has no light.....I miss her light.....I miss our light.....the silence in the house is "deafening"......the emptiness is suffocating......I just exist in a void...the only sounds i hear come when my body shakes uncontrollably with sobs.....cries that come from a depth of despair that can only come forth as a result of the loss of one of tripawd souls. With the depth of love, respect, constant caregiving, constant spoiling, constant attentiveness, thinking about them 24/7, committed to make the decisions "they" would want us to make and having to do it on an intuitve level, ......with the depth of bond and learning lessons we developed as a result of this journey, there is no way we could expect our grief to be "similar" to the "other" times when we've grieved for a loved one. No way!

I did so many little "exercises with my heart and soul"....the Spirit Of Dog part of me......to ensure, although I knew my missing my Happy Hannah by side would be unbearable...I felt that my life experiences, and my life lesssons with my Happy Hannah, would help break up those moments of unbearable grief with memories I practically had etched in my soul. I knew I could call upon them during the darkest of my dark hours to put a momentary smile in my heart. That's what Hapy Hannah was all about....she making me smile and laugh... and I making her smile and laugh with her happy tail and woo wooooooing giggle, mixed in with a few "woofs".

I also "knew" that my bone deep GRATITUDE for having the most blissfully happy time together with her would also help pull me through.

I did other things to "anchor her life affirming spirit" in me so that I would ALWAYS feel her presence which I "knew", because of my belief systems, I would feel her energy around me in so many different ways. One thing I did probavly hundreds of times, was put my hand on her heart and let her heartbeat flow gently through my hand, up my arm and into my heart. That way, all I ever had to do was put my hand gently on my heart and I would "feel" her heart beating one with mine.

Well, the best laid plans.....so far none of that is working! It will and I KNOW it will. Another thing I KNOW with absolute certainty as all of you do...time...time...time.

One more thing I want to add regarding the "second guessing"...yep, I've even thrown that into my grief concoction too once.......I that's something I REALY do know better...however...the way I kick that useless emotin to the curb (during a "good minute") is to remind myself that the piece of crap disease is still trying to "take" something away...it's trying to prevent us from staying focused on the lovely life we all have had withour dogs and cats. And I VOW to HAPPY HANNAH that will NEVER happen!! She, or I EVER allowed that cowardless crap to rob us of our time together andit sure as heck won't now!!

HAPPY HANNAH just said YAAAAAAAAY SALLY!! I just made my girl proud! And back at ya' YAAAAAAAAA HAPPY HANNAH!

So, I hope I was able to amswer some questions and so ehow help someone somewhere. Goodness kows youve been here for us.

My happiness came from being with my Happy Hannah...my joy came from being with Happy Hannah...Happy Hannah and I got our love from each other and we loved being apart of this treasire of a community together. . I''m so LOST without her..just lost. Yeah...lost explains it all.

I REALLY wanted the next time I posted here to be my notes to each of you expressing how grateful I am for your heartfelt words! HA! Again...the best laid plans

Well, this has taken me about an hour...but at least it kept Happy Hannah's banner up here and I kept scrollingmup to see her!

Oh! Yeah.....I'm gonna go post a video of her carrying Barney.....if you've seen her banner, she's carrying her Barney in it.

Sending each of you love, strength and contiued victories for all of you traveling this path called Tripawds!

To those of you whose loved ones have made the transition...I honor you, I will ALWAYS hold you gently in my heart and your names are forver spelled out by the stars in brilliant night sky

Sally and Happy Hannah