Hello Friends,

I'm so sad to say that our sweet Bella was laid to rest on Tuesday. She became an official part of this wonderful community in July and was gifted a full 3 months longer with our family. I was hoping that it would be much, much longer but I do not regret having the surgery that allowed us to share a little more time with her. 

Bella recovered from her amputation like a youngster. Everything went smoothly and within a few weeks we were having to do everything we could to keep her from overdoing it. She was bounding and hopping and running and playing. Somehow the fact that she was 14 years old really didn't mean a thing to her. 

Earlier this week, in the span of 3 days, a mass reappeared near her amputation site. It grew so aggressively that within 12 hours she was unable to walk. She could stand and wag her tail but movement of her sole hind leg was painful. I had to carry her out to the yard to do her business and then she would stand there and look at me with the words "help me please mom, I can't walk back to you" in her eyes. 

I took her to the vet and three different practitioners evaluated her. The speed with which the mass grew confounded two of them but the youngest, most experienced surgeon was confident the mass wasn't a hernia but was indeed a recurrence of the aggressive neoplastic tumor our Bella had on her leg that caused us to amputate. 

As much as my heart tugged at my mind wanting to attempt another surgery,  I knew that I had to listen to my inner voice telling me "just because we can, doesn't mean we should". I wanted her free of pain. I wanted to preserve her dignity. No more invasive procedures, biopsies, medications. But you know what, all this rational thinking really means nothing when you are looking at your sweet pup in the face and her tail is wagging at you. 

I made the heartbreaking decision to euthanize my sweet Bella. Hardest decision ever. My husband was (and still is) away on business and he helped me as much as he could, given the distance. Both our daughters wanted to give their last hugs and kisses to our girl so they left school and our Bella was laid to rest encircled by the arms of 3 of the 4 people in her family and while she was getting nuzzles and kisses from us. 

The few days since have been very difficult and I go back and forth questioning all the decisions I have made since the very start of this awful cancer. Should we have typed the tumor and put Bella through chemo and radiation? Would she have enjoyed the last 3 months as much as she did if she was taking those medications? Would it have given her more time with us? Would we have even been able to afford it? What is the price for more time with someone you love? Is there a limit? 

My heart hurts more than I knew it would. I keep thinking I hear her and my mind keeps creating images of her sleeping next to my bed and hopping around the house, I have always been sympathetic when others have lost their pets but I now feel this urge to go back and hug every single person that has gone through this and tell them how much better I understand now and how sorry I am for them all over again. 

Thanks for listening and, most of all, thanks for this forum and all the information and amazing people here that are always willing to help. While I did not post much,  I read a great deal before Bella's surgery and in the weeks following. I apologize that I haven't contributed the kind of support you all have given. With two girls in high school that are both in too many activities and my job as a NICU nurse and a house full (less one) of furry family members, it's a good day when we are all dressed and fed. 

Much love and hugs and licks and slobbers to all of you and your furry babies past and present. 

~Julie