Hi Tripawds family

I haven’t posted an update about Jersey Girl in awhile and that's because she was declining fast and every time I sat down to write something I'd get choked up, cry and completely lose focus on what I wanted to say.   I promised myself I’d do it today and so here I sit, struggling with a heavy heart but getting it done.

I’m devastated to tell you that we put our sweet angel down on Tuesday morning (Feb 11, 2014) after learning that she had a large tumor in her abdominal area that was causing her increasing pain and suffering every day.  Oh my gosh, just writing that made me burst into tears.  I'll tell you the events leading up to that decision in a minute. Everything happened so fast I feel cheated as well as sad and angry.  Jersey Girl hardly had a chance to recuperate from her amputation surgery and enjoy life as a tripawd before she was hit with something else that knocked her down for good. All in all, from her diagnosis of osteosarcoma until her death was 47 days.   Papa Bear and I are crushed and miss her terribly.  It’s particularly hard for me to think about our future because I don’t want to plan anything without her.  She was my doggie before Gregg and she seemed to help bring about many of the good things that have happened to me in the last 9 years.  She helped me get through some lonely times and gave me a family when I felt like I had none.   My baby girl could always bring a smile to my face, no matter what.   I love her so very much.  Ugh, it's been 4 days and I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.  It's so hard to breathe.

So what happened?  Gosh, like I said, her decline was fast.  In about 2 weeks time she went from a doggie that was getting her spirit and bounce back, to a doggie that didn’t move much and seemed to be suffering more each day.  It started with her panting day and night, then shaking at times throughout the day and pretty much refusing to eat.   I’d hand feed her by sticking pieces of meat into her jowl; she'd eat about half and spit out the other half.  She also became more clingy and cuddly than usual.  She was sleeping between Papa Bear and me with her head sharing my pillow and any time I moved to get a little air between us, she’d move closer to close the gap.  There was one night before bed when she seemed especially restless, was pacing (which she never did) and making talking noises that I interpreted as communications of pain (because she never whined or cried).  She didn't settle down that night until I got her into bed with us and wrapped BOTH my arms around her.

After that difficult night, I hit the panic button with both hands.  I told Gregg I thought she was falling on the crappy side of statistics and had developed lung mets early - just over a month post amp.  She was exhibiting all the signs, especially the panting.  We took her to the vet and did x-rays of her vital organs.  To our surprise and delight everything came back clean.  Woohoo, no mets!  But then what the heck was causing these symptoms?  The vet said there was part of her abdominal x-ray that looked suspicious to him, an area that was showing up sort of empty or blank when it really shouldn’t look that way.   One possibility, he said, was that a tumor was pushing on her belly and causing her to pant and not want to eat.  He said he couldn’t conclude anything definitive without putting her back under general anesthesia and none of us wanted to do that.  We decided to see how she was in a couple of days.  

Two days later Jersey Girl was having a hard time walking.  She'd struggle to get up then stumble like a drunk and fall down, like that first walk after front leg amputation surgery.  We noticed a pretty big muscle bulge on her left thigh and thought maybe she had pulled or cramped a muscle.  I massaged her lower body and iced the bulge.   That seemed to help for a little while but that was it.  The next day she couldn't get up at all, no matter how hard she tried.  When we helped her up, her rear legs fell inward and crossed over each other as if she had no control of them.  She had two poop accidents in the house, both while still in the lying position even though she had desperately tried to get up.  Her eyes showed distress.  It was heartbreaking to watch and that look of hers is forever etched into my brain, haunting me. 

On Tuesday morning, four days after our last vet appointment, we took her to the vet again and were surprised to hear that her muscles and bones all checked out fine.  We repeated the abdominal x-ray and this time it was clear, there was a large tumor pushing on her stomach and against the nerves in her rear legs.  The mystery was solved but our choice of solutions was indeed lousy.  We didn’t want to put her thru another operation because she’d had a hard time recuperating from the amputation surgery and, honestly, how much time and quality of life would it really give her?  Maybe a lot if the tumor was benign but the doc didn’t think it would be.   Jersey Girl was clearly in distress and seemed to have given up the fight, you could see the emptiness in her eyes (also an image I will never be able to get out of my head.  EVER.)  We just couldn’t bear the thought of putting her through more procedures, pain or scary time away from her family so we decided to shower our sweet baby with love and kisses and send her over the rainbow bridge to swim, run and retrieve balls again with a happy, healthy and whole body.   “Go get that ball, Jersey Girl.  Go on, get it, get it!”  We told her that her grandparents would be waiting to greet her and they would love her up and play with her until one day we were all reunited.  “Until then, we will love and miss you forever and then some, sweet baby girl.” 

This is so hard, the constant lump in my throat and heaviness of my heart.  I'm not sure I'll ever feel better and I'm not even sure I want to because that will mean I've moved on from my sweet girl and I can't bear the thought of that. It feels like betrayal.  We still have Hitch (our 3 year old black labrador) but I just can't bond with him the way I did with Jersey Girl.  He's such a sweet boy but I just don't feel it.  I think a lot has to do with getting him at 2.5 years old, versus 7 weeks with Jersey Girl.  The other thing is I don't feel Jersey Girl's spirit around me and that's just killing me. When my parents died, of course I was devastated but I felt at peace.  I felt them with me and I talked to them and that made my loss infinitely easier.   I'm still talking to Jersey Girl but I don't feel her presence.  It hurts so much.  

Sorry for the very, very long post.  It took a long time to get up the strength to write and I guess I had a lot to unload. Lol.  I'm putting together pictures of Jersey Girl and creating a book for Papa Bear and me.  Once I have more of that together I'll post pictures of her story.  In the meantime, I've attached a couple videos and pictures of her that make me smile.

Jersey Girl's first post-amputation game of fetch with Papa Bear.   She dropped the ball in front of him and did her little dance to indicate 'time to play with me'.  His heart melted, our doggie is coming back!   1/17/14 in Mesquite, Nevada en route to Denver for the Broncos game.

Playing with the ball by herself, look how happy she is!  Jersey was a true ballaholic so seeing her play with one made us incredibly happy.  1/21/14 in Green River, Utah on the way back to Los Angeles from the Denver Broncos game.

Standing up to eat!  One of the few times post-amp that Jersey Girl got excited by meal time.

Chillin' after her first swim as a tripawd.  1/26/14 Sacramento River Delta, CA.