Thank you.

Genie left me 11 days ago, it has not been easy for me, but I’d like to share with you what I have been doing to at least try to help myself getting over the many hurdles.

Before Genie passed away, I had been keeping a journal on how she did each day, what supplements I gave her at what time, what was on the menu of the day, how she responded to every treatment she got from each vet visit.

The day she left me, I officially closed off the “Genie Journal”, and opened up another one called “Without Genie” for myself.

In there I wrote down all my feelings, thoughts, wishes, struggles of the fact that I lost my baby.

Here are a couple of excerpts:

* * * * * * * *

May 20 - Sunny - The day I lost my beloved Genie

… She was declining rapidly. Very restless in the morning, barked and whined constantly at the backyard. She was actually calling for help, asking for help…We arrived at the vet hospital at 11:50…Genie was calm, breathed heavily a bit, then … At 13:07, her breathing stopped. At 13:08, her heart stopped…The drive home was exceptionally long and empty. Genie was not coming back with me. She was not at the back of the van! I cried out in distress. Hands trembling. Legs weak. No signs of Genie in the house. I miss her. My heart aches…. 21:15 used to be early for us, because we waited till pass 21:30 or even later to take her out, get her in bed. But tonight there was not anything I needed to do except get myself in bed.

Day 5 - May 25 - rainny

… Vaguely remember Genie was in my dream(s), but no recollection of what they were all about… Somethings are bothering me about Genie’s passing. I think I need to talk to Dr. G to get some reassurance… Seriously want to find out if I will see Genie in Heaven. Exhausted mentally, but not that I am aware of any mentioning in the Bible.

… Dear Heavenly Father, please take Genie with you, please take care of her. I miss her… please allow me to see her when I go to Heaven. In Jesus Christ’s name. Amen.

Day 6 - May 26 - sunny

First day back at work. Very strange feeling in the morning. All the routines are not the same anymore… Busy catching up work after a week off so that I could stop thinking of her at least for a little while. As the day went on, I got items cleared gradually, and my mind started wandering off track again. There were teary moments, but managed….

Day 7 - May 27 - sunny

… interesting that on the day Genie passed away, TSX (Toronto Stock Exchange) reached its record high…should have listened to Genie…

Day 9 - May 29 - sunny

Dr. G was very nice to talk to me in person this evening despite of her busy schedule. She did help me remove any doubt, and gave me the kind of reassurance I needed desperately…

… she said she agreed that was the right thing to do for Genie… we didn’t leave any stone unturned… she thought that there was definitely something else was going on in her spine because of the drastic decline of her condition over a weekend… If it was really bone mets in her spine, and that Genie at that time was already paralyzed, it was at a point of no return… If that was not bone mets in spine, but was really spondylosis instead, and Genie was already paralyzed, then surgery would have been the only treatment, but that was not an option for Genie. (I agreed) … She stressed that we had done everything we possibly could, and that we were Genie’s champions … She said she had seen people who should not own pets, and now that she saw us standing there as champions…. (very comforting)

Day 10 - May 30 - sunny

… finally could bring her home this afternoon.. she is now sleeping in the little niche outside of my bedroom … Night night Genie baby. See you tomorrow…

* * * * * * * *

I find this journal does help me to a certain extent, but really, I know only time will heal. That said, I felt a tremendous sense of peace after talking to Dr. G. I was bothered by my doubt, and I pretty much knew the answers myself. It did help to hear the words came from a vet, especially the vet who knew so well about Genie’s case.

Jessie (Genie’s mom)

There is no way to prepare.  My Ben just died, and I have been just numb for 3 days.  There is more silence in my life right now.  There is just no escaping the fact that these animals that give us unconditional love only last for a short part of our human lives.