Some of you may have seen my post yesterday about be stuck at home with a migraine which was only exacerbated by Shelby being 'manic' and 'pacing' and back in the bathroom Tuesday evening. I had been in some sort of pain since Sunday (severe enough for me and I'm a tough cookie and rarely take painkillers); enough to start pounding Advil again and being tempted by Shelby's leftover Tramadol but after seeing HER side effects, I didn't want the same. But yesterday was awful so I called in sick and decided to try acupuncture on the recommendation of many friends. Admittedly, I move pretty fast in general (I am a runner, after all) and I don't really stop and smell the roses. But this stopped me in my tracks. Within minutes, the practitioner had me pegged - high energy, high activity, high stress. I told her about Shelby and how I was trying SO hard all the time to be brave for her, how I would put my own needs second and how I had to be a caregiver for Shelby.

She asked me if Shelby had ever been MY caregiver and was it possible that Shelby's manic behavior the last couple of days were that she could sense my energy and that I wasn't feeling well and she simply wanted to help ME again. It's been so long since I have let Shelby see me weak, sad, vulnerable ... I took Shelby's "job" away from her when she got sick. It made sense .... so I came home, I relaxed, I cuddled Shelby and things were fine. Until nighttime hit and I was anxious because I had slept all day, knew I needed to get up early to workout since I missed a workout yesterday... and BOOM - my dog is in the bathroom, shaking for no reason. She isn't in pain. She isn't cold. She is stressed.

She did sleep with me and this a.m. got off to a good start; got my run in, Shelby was a bit of a PITA (pain in the ass) but overall, we got it done. I went to leave for work and my car wouldn't start. No reason. I hadn't left the lights on. I called AAA. They told me it was the starter so we towed it to the dealership. In my brain, I am going bat crazy knowing I was off work yesterday and I can't afford to be off again today... Of course, the dealership's wifi is down so I can't work. I am trying to channel some inner zen but the lady talking on her phone is making me absolutely nuts. I just wanted silence. In my world, there is too much noise and I am about to have an epic meltdown.

So they come to bring me the keys (3 hours later)... and tell me that my battery *might* not make it the rest of the day - definitely not in LA traffic and I could get stuck AND that my brakes are pretty much shot to the point that I really shouldn't wait till next week to get it done. So my choices; risk it and risk being stranded 25 miles from my house (and Shelby) or let them fix it all and ask them to bring me home so I can work. I am at home now.

This was definitely a wake-up call and a little divine intervention (my Daddy serves as my guardian angel and I suspect he was looking over me this a.m. when my car wouldn't start). There are so many metaphors here about life, slowing down, being in the present. I realized my life with Shelby has become so "transactional" - we get up, walk, eat, then I do my stuff, I go to work, come home, walk, eat, sleep. I never let her really 'smell the roses' for constant fear she's going to hurt herself or she'll go to far. I watch her like a hawk and don't let her be a dog. That is not fair to her. What is the point in treating her illness if I don't let her enjoy life. Yesterday as I sat outside w/her, she was calm and happy.

This is really long and should probably be a blog post but I wanted to share and see if anyone else felt overwhelmed with this journey? I am a single parent ... it's hard. It becomes more real when I am trapped at a car dealership away from my baby and I panic even though I could have called a cab or 'run' home if I needed to. 

The acupuncturist told me yesterday (as I have seen in Shelby) that animals in the wild tend to 'shake it off'... shake off a bad mood, bad day, bad feeling. I have about 9+ months of stress build up in my neck and my body said - enough. I am not good at moving slow or sitting still. My hope is that I can learn to breathe ... learn to take care of me better and let Shelby take care of me and that the both of us will then... "Be More Dog ".

Love to our Tripawd family ....

Alison and snoring Shelby