Thanks for the hugs, Sally.

I do wish now I had taken more pictures, because I know how things go and how things slowly start getting fuzzier in the brain.. 

One vivid memory is.. couple of years back when we were at the cliff and it was rather warm, Fred went behind some rocks and started digging probably trying to find a cool spot.  He them yiped and came out. I looked him over and he seemed fine, continued running and jumping up and down things. About an hour later when I lowered from a climb I noticed that he's holding his right front paw up in the air.  Things didn't look right to me and I told the bf that we're going to the vet.. He carried Fred about a mile over the somewhat rough trail back to the car.  By the time we got there, his paw balooned and was dripping bloody fluid. When we got to the vet another 15 min later (probably an hour total after we noticed trouble) his whole arm was huge.  The vet techs said that it's an infection (obviously not true). Then Dr. Goodnow showed up (same vet who took care of him till the end), glanced at it and declared it a copperhead bite, which made a lot of sense.  He got antivenin, steroids, fluids and a bunch of other drugs and had to stay overnight, which was probably the most traumatic part for us all.. Later the skin in three large areas on his paw turned black and fell off resulting in open wounds that took 4 weeks to heal -- typical progression of a copperhead bite.. This was in the summer and he was not allowed to swim while the wound healed, and swimming was by far his favorite thing.  On the day the wound finally closed I took him swimming. His favorite thing was to swim after the rocks I threw in the water -- he would never actually catch the rocks since they were thrown far away, but would go nuts for the splashes -- the bigger the rocks,the louder the splash, the more excitement.   As I bent down to pick up a rock, in anticipation of a very long awated splash he pinch-bit me (front teeth pinching the skin) on my arm, resulting in this:

bite photo

It was kind of painful, but I can't help smiling thinking about that moment of uncontrollable canine joy. His paw healed fine, except for a tiny patch of skin that never regrew hair. I also think he never had a clue what happened to him and that he probably never noticed the nest of copperheads he was digging through..  

And here's a winter picture, unrelated to the above where you can actually see all of Fred

Fred in the winter

Pam,

I think I've read your story on another forum here, so the heartbreak is mutual.. 

Sometimes I wonder what I would've done had I known how bad things were prior to amputation and.. I'm glad I didn't know.  Prior I was objectively of the opinion that it would be better to end things before risking more pain.. and I'm still objetively of that opinion, but obviously subjectively and in reality things end up being so so different..  especially when we know there is a chance, even if it's small.  Yes, we do the best we can at the time, because that is all we can do.. and some of those things are harder to live with than others, but I guess that's just how this world is.. 

I used to be somewhat judgemental towards those who would get another shortly after, someone who looks just like the one they lost and name it the same.. (okay I am still judgemental towards that.. no offense to anyone!  still giving someone a home/life.. )

But I understand now the pure need to take care of someone.. We did end up going to a no-kill dog shelter on Saturday and walked about 6 dogs.. they were all super sweet.  My boyfriend said that if a couple of them (the cuddliest ones of course) are still there 3 weeks from now...

I do however understand that I'm not ready and that I need to re-learn to take care of myself. I am thinkig of going to the shleter and maybe taking the dogs out for the day with an "adopt me" vest to a very popular hiking/climbing area, I think it would really speed up the adoption process, considering it's hundreds, possibly thousands of outdoorsy dog friendly people.. 

I think it is naming that I find strange.. I know someone who had 3 german shepherds who were all named Baron.. I guess on one hand it is strange, on the other hand, I know they were all very well taken care of, so I guess who cares what their names are.

I do understand the need to fill the void and I'm thinking if I went to a shelter and I saw someone who looks just like Fred (not very high chances of that happening considering his very mutty nature)... it would've been tough, so no, absolutely no judgement of you or anyone I've encountered here, and I do have great respect for someone who has enough heart and love to open themselves up to another soul in need so soon after the heartache.. 

Me personally, I feel like something in me is starting to go numb, so I feel like it may not be fair to another dog, but who konws.. they do a better job than anyone in this world of motivating us and mobilizing us and making us able to do what needs to be done.  I wonder if I will need to do it, only if to feel like I have a purpose again.  The first saturday after Fred was not around anymore I stayed inside the whole day, partially because I needed to work, but partially I felt like there was no poing in going outside. And I thought that it was the first time in over 12 years that that happened, because no matter how nasty the weather was, no matter how sick I was, we would always go for a walk, and as much I didn't want to sometimes, I know that the fact that I had to was a good thing for me as well..

There was this one Christmas when we had probably about  2 feet of snow and it was really cold and windy. I was living in this little town and they brought some animals (I'm guessing for the nativity scene?) and put them into this enclosure in the middle of town, and Fred who doesn't normally care about such things became obsessed with these animals. He would drag me there as soon as we left the house and would walk around the enclosure with the sheep following him on the inside, them sniffing each other through the fence. This would go on for about an hour, as I mentioned I was really sick and it was really cold, he refused to go home and I had to carry him for several blocks. This went on for several days until christmas was over. Point being.. who else can motivate you to spend so much time outside in the cold when you're feeling so crappy..

Gator.. such a great name for a yellow lab! Can we see some pictures?