I did notice Sally's typing and I did wonder.. very interesting mistyping patterns.

Thank you all once again for all the encouragement and understanding.

Shelby mom -- I do think of your story, it's partially why I'm even considering this. I know it's not exactly the same sequence of events, but it's somewhat similar.. 

The photos were taken in various places -- Acadia NP Maine, Cape Breton Nova Scotia, Sawtooth NF Idaho.. Medicine Bow Wyoming, mostly those places..  We live about an hour north of NYC, but are surrounded by nature here.  Fred, however, is very fond of towns and smells, he is very attracted to garbage dumps and pizza shops, probably because I always made sure that he got enough time in nature, and didn't do as good of job to make sure he spent sufficient time around garbage, although he really did try his best. 

Also, he is not terribly big, I think his last weigh in was at 43 pounds, and I have a feeling his spleen is probaby at least a couple of pounds of that.. He does have a large body, especially compared to his head, which doesn't seem to subtract from his appeal

Oh, he is also probably the best known crag (rock climbing cliff) dog in the area.  All the rangers know him and allow him to be off-leash in very crowded areas since he's always been very chill.. When we took him with us climbing, somehow he always managed to find someone on the ground to pet him while we were on the cliff and very often we would pass some people and they would go "hi Fred!!" and I had absolutely no idea who they were. Not sure how that happens because he doesn't have a name tag on his collar. He also managed to steal probably close to a dozen sandwiches, blocks of cheese and various other food items throughout the years that climbers left on the ground or on top of their packs thinking they would be safe.. I wasn't proud of him at the time.. well, maybe that is not entirely true..

I do try to remember that it's not the last bit that defines us, but in order to make it through it, we have to live in the moment, even if it's really bad sucky moment.  Embrace the suckiness??  I know what happens when you bottle things up and it's not pretty.. 

Fred had a very bad night, obvious pain or some sort of discomfort, I dont know if he slept at all, eyes open and fast breathing the whole night. Even pot butter didn't help anymore. Took him to the vet in the morning, they did blood work and said his red blood count is very low.  He didn't exactly recommend removing the spleen, because he said the chances of him coming out of surgery are extremely small, since as I mentioned, he wouldn't bring him back if he saw signs of metastasis and at this point he almost definitely expects to see them. 

Besides putting him down another option is just to let him be and to have him potentially reabsorb the blood, but he is not eating, can barely stand and is in obvious discomfort, so I don't think it's an option. Besides if there are metastasis everywhere, how much better could he possibly get if I let him be.. At this point it is really not even a semblance of quality life. 

I asked him then what he would do if it was his dog. And he said, "well, if it was my dog, I'd open him up because I don't give up on anything and miracles do happen."  Basically he is not recommending surgery because of the extra cost involved.  I don't really care about that and he said he wouldn't bring him back unless he thought it would give him a good amount of time, so we are going to go through it.  I do understand that it's just a very expensive way of putting him down, but I guess I need to know I tried.  The oncologist said that there is a slight chance that whatever is in his spleen is not actually cancer -- a small chance, but a chance nevertheless, so I guess I need to make sure.. The only difference it makes to Fred is that we do have to take him to the vet.  The vet said we can't give him a sedative, because his red blood cell count is so low that it would probably kill him.  He did say to park away from the office and that he will come out and put him under while he is in the car.. 

I do feel okay with this decision for the time being.

I do feel like I have the strength to deal with this now, largely thanks to you guys. 

Thank you all, as always, for being there.

Had to say goodbye to Fred this afternoon.  I asked the vet to check out the lungs after he put him under, and they were full of tumors, so we never even got to surgery.

The going under process, unfortunately, was very painful.  I think it's partially due to his state - he didn't seem to tolerate any sort of injections (he wasn't that way before) and actually bit the vet, and they couldn't give him a sedative because his blood pressure was so low.  The vet said that his brain was probably not functioning right because of blood loss and lung metastasis.  It was tough..I had no idea it would be as bad as it was.. but I'm glad we didn't wait any longer that we did.. Although now of course I feel guilty for waiting too long.. I suspect there are plenty of things to feel guilty about especially if you're jewish. 

I do think something was off with him in a sense that I don't think I've seen him sleep or actually close his eyes in the last couple of days, it's like he was fighting to be awake regardless of what happens.. compensating for low blood oxygen? I also wonder if the cancer went into his brain.. 

Got to witness my boyfriend cry first time since we've been together - 5-6 years?  The vet actually started tearing up too when we were leaving. 

It's over now. He is buried in the the field surrounded by woods, illegally (as the rest of my dogs). 

Thank you again for all your support. I feel like something in me is shutting down, since I've been holding it together for about 6 weeks and now I don't need to anymore.