Just to give a bit more information...

I emailed our Laps of Love vet last week and told her that I believed Marley was beginning her end. I wanted Marley to go on this final trip with us to the Smoky Mountains to see if that would perk her up at all.  I had hoped a change of scenery would...but it didn't.

Last week, things really started to go downhill. Her surgeon told me that she had lots of cancerous changes in the soft tissue, ascetabulum and pelvic bone after amputation. He debrided the soft tissue as much as possible but the end result was that he closed her up with cancer cells in that region. He said that a tumor would begin growing out of her hip. It wasn't a question of "if" but rather how quickly that would happen. It happened fast.  I will post pics on a blog post when I can to explain a bit more. I had not Found any information like this on how Marley would progress so it might help other people who find themselves in her position. Basically, we have about a three inch diameter ball growing out of her hip at the moment. It has stretched the FHO incision to the point that it is shiny and smooth.  It looks as if it will rip open any day now.

I wouldn't be as concerned with that if it didn't seem to be bothering her. But her mobility quickly went downhill. She went from hopping on it so good and getting around great to literally lumbering along almost dragging her good leg to now avoiding moving.  I know that her hip is probably 2-3lbs (at least) heavier than it was two weeks ago. Again, fast growth. And it is impacting her mobility greatly.

The past week, despite increasing pain meds and changing them up, she cries and whines more and more throughout the night. She will sleep on and off. She is very uncomfortable and has to get up and move around often. Last night she cried until 5AM before she finally fell asleep.

What did it for me is her eyes and her resistance to be around the family. She constantly moves to other rooms and wants to be far away from us. While some may not understand, I get that this is her final act of love.  She doesn't understand what is happening but she knows she is very sick and hurts. She wants to make sure she preserves her pack and doesn't get us sick in case what she has is contagious. If only I could explain that she doesn't need to do that. Her eyes are blank more often than not, glazed in pain. And when she does make that reconnection, she tells us that the hurt is great. And she is tired. She is just tired.

As I continue to look for straws of hope to grasp onto, I remind myself that this is not a decision to shorten her life but rather to shorten her death. It sucks. It is painful. And honestly, I don't know how I am going to make it through tomorrow. But I know I have to remain strong for her. It's what she has done for me her entire life.

Thank you all for the well wishes and love. I will be writing a blog post tomorrow sometime. But suffice it to say, her euthanasia was beautiful. I am so happy that we contacted Laps of Love and Dr. Graham. Marley was able to lay outside in her beloved backyard during the euthanasia surrounded by the people she loves most.  The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. A nice breeze was blowing. And I was able to lay my ear next to her face in the grass as I listened to her last calm breaths. She left stoically and peacefully. Marley's Boy went for a walk with G'ma and G'Pa during the actual procedure but he was there before and after to say Goodbye. Rosie our other dog was able to spend time with Marley's body to get closure as well.

After the vet left to take Marley to the crematory, I started crying cleaning up the counter of all of her meds, supplements, canned food and essential oils. Marley's Boy stopped me and said "Mommy don't cry. There is no reason to cry now. Marley went to heaven. Don't cry Mommy. It's happy. Marley's in heaven."  Thank goodness for little boys. 

We will be OK. Not yet. But we will be. Thank you all for the kindness. ❤️🐾❤️