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The Day I'll Finally Stop Grieving
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Member Since:
16 October 2012
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3 June 2016 - 10:09 am
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I saw this on FB and thought I would share here as well as on my blog.  It is very very true.

Michelle & Angel Sassy

The Day I'll Finally Stop Grieving

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“How long has it been? When is he going to get over that grief and move on already?”

I get it.

I know you might be thinking that about me or about someone else these days.

I know you may look at someone you know in mourning and wonder when they’ll snap out of it.

I understand because I use to think that way too.

Okay, maybe at the time I was self-aware enough or guilty enough not to think it quite that explicitly, even in my own head. It might have come in the form of a growing impatience toward someone in mourning or a gradual dismissing of their sadness over time or maybe in my intentionally avoiding them as the days passed. It was subtle to be sure, but I can distinctly remember reaching the place where my compassion for grieving friends had reached its capacity—and it was long before they stopped hurting.

Back then like most people, my mind was operating under the faulty assumption that grief had some predictable expiration date; a reasonable period of time after which recovery and normalcy would come and the person would return to life as it was before, albeit with some minor adjustments.

I thought all these things, until I grieved.

I never think these things anymore.

Two years ago I remember sitting with a dear friend at a coffee shop table in the aftermath of my father’s sudden passing. In response to my quivering voice and my tear-weary eyes and my obvious shell shock, she assured me that this debilitating sadness; this ironic combination of searing pain and complete numbness was going to give me a layer of compassion for hurting people that I’d never had before. It was an understanding, she said, that I simply couldn’t have had without walking through the Grief Valley. She was right, though I would have gladly acquired this empathy in a million other ways.

Since that day I’ve realized that Grief doesn’t just visit you for a horrible, yet temporary holiday. It moves in, puts down roots—and it never leaves. Yes as time passes, eventually the tidal waves subside for longer periods, but they inevitably come crashing in again without notice, when you are least prepared. With no warning they devastate the landscape of your heart all over again, leaving you bruised and breathless and needing to rebuild once more.

Grief brings humility as a housewarming gift and doesn’t care whether you want it or not.

You are forced to face your inability to do anything but feel it all and fall apart. It’s incredibly difficult in those quiet moments, when you realize so long after the loss that you’re still not the same person you used to be; that this chronic soul injury just won’t heal up. This is tough medicine to take, but more difficult still, is coming to feel quite sure that you’ll never be that person again. It’s humbling to know you’ve been internally altered: Death has interrupted your plans, served your relationships, and rewritten the script for you.

And strangely (or perhaps quite understandably) those acute attacks of despair are the very moments when I feel closest to my father, as if the pain somehow allows me to remove the space and time which separates us and I can press my head against his chest and hear his heartbeat once more. These tragic times are somehow oddly comforting even as they kick you in the gut.

And it is this odd healing sadness which I’ll carry for the remainder of my days; that nexus between total devastation and gradual restoration. It is the way your love outlives your loved one.

I’ve walked enough of this road to realize that it is my road now. This is not just a momentary detour, it’s the permanent state of affairs. I will have many good days and many moments of gratitude and times of welcome respite, but I’m never getting over this loss.

This is the cost of sharing your life with someone worth missing.

Two years into my walk in the Valley I’ve resigned myself to the truth that this a lifetime sentence. At the end of my time here on the planet, I will either be reunited with my father in some glorious mystery, or simply reach my last day of mourning his loss.

Either way I’m beginning to rest in the simple truth:

The day I’ll stop grieving—is the day I stop breathing.

sassymichelle-sm.jpg

Sassy is a proud member of the Winter Warriors. Live long, & strong Winter Warriors.
sassysugarbear.tripawds.com
07/26/2006 - Sassy earned her wings 08/20/2013

05/04/2006 -  Bosch, Sassy's pal, earned his wings 03/29/19  fought cancer for 4 months.

"You aren't doing it TO her, you are doing it FOR her. Give her a chance at life."

Virginia







Member Since:
22 February 2013
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3 June 2016 - 10:29 am
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Aww Michelle, this was so kind of you to share. You've certainly developed that "extra layer of compassion for others" as a result of your travels through Grief Valley. You and Sassy continue to give so much.

"......your love outlives your loved ones." For me, that's a very life affirming love with no ending.

Thank you sweet Michelle.

Happy Hannah had a glorious additional bonus time of over one yr & two months after amp for osteo! She made me laugh everyday! Joined April's Angels after send off meal of steak, ice cream, M&Ms & deer poop!

Los Angeles, CA
Member Since:
13 June 2013
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3 June 2016 - 2:50 pm
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Grief brings humility as a housewarming gift and doesn’t care whether you want it or not.

This is SO true! As strong as I thought I was and am... after the loss of my father (almost 20 years ago so now it just feels surreal and like I never knew him) and Shelby 2 years ago (also surreal) ... it is humbling.

And 

when you realize so long after the loss that you’re still not the same person you used to be;

So many have expected me to be the Alison I was 3 years ago... before Shelby was sick, before our world crashed down around us, before we were forced to be brave, to fight and to say goodbye. It has taken a long time to accept what that truly means and to re-create myself. As I did over 20 years ago when I lost my father. 

People have said that my way of coping is putting up walls around my heart to protect it and perhaps, on some level I do. But clearly not all the time as I let little Jasper Lily Bug worm her way in and I know when she passes (many, many moons from now)... the wound of loves lost and passed will open up again and welcome her little spot. 

But never love again... that doesn't exist in my reality ... perhaps just a little preservation! But to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all!

heartthis!!!

XOXO

Alison with Spirit Shelby in her heart (and little Jasper Lily Bug too) 

Shelby Lynne; Jack Russell/Shiba Inu mix. Proud member of the April Angels of 2014.

October 15, 2000 to April 8, 2014

Our story: Broke rear leg in June 2013 - non-conclusive results for cancer so leg was plated and pinned. Enlarged spleen in September 2013 and had it removed and was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma and started chemotherapy. Became a Tripawd January 8th, 2014 and definitive Hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Three major surgeries in 7 months and Shelby took them all like a champ only to lose her battle to cancer in her brain. We had 8 amazing extra months together and no regrets. #shelbystrong #loveofmylife

Westminster, MD
Member Since:
31 August 2013
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4 June 2016 - 8:52 pm
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Thanks for posting this Michelle, this is one of my most favorite articles on grief, and I send it to my friends who have just lost someone they dearly love. It doesn't matter if it is a human death, or a beloved pet, the grief is very much the same in the regard of never being the same again. I agree with Alison on kind of re-creating yourself after a devastating loss in your life, we are NEVER the same person again, but I have also learned, that is completely ok. 🐾💜

Much love to all, 

Bonnie, Angel Polly, Pearl, and Zuzu 

Norene, TN
Member Since:
21 October 2014
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10 June 2016 - 9:56 am
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Wonderful, wonderful article, thanks so much!

I am still learning about Grief. Not because it makes me sad, but because it teaches me about myself.

I would be lying if I told you that I was starting to understand its many levels.

I lost my younger brother a few years back. We were only 11 months apart so we were brought up as twins (Irish or Catholic twins is the terminology). Even though I miss him tremendously, the part that hits me the hardest is not being able to express or acknowledge the shared memories that only he and I had. No one else understands like he did. I mourn this connection every day.

When Harmony left us, it was as if a knife of joy was thrust into my heart and twisted. How could I be sad about her no longer suffering, and yet I had to acknowledge the end of her corporal existence. This loss has affected me more than any other and yet I don't know why.

Then, just 4 short months after Harmony's loss, my dad passed. Here's where things get weird. My dad and I were not close at all. I didn't (haven't) mourned him like most folks do when losing a parent.  I've yet to shed a tear. It was and still is very confusing to me that Harmony's loss is so much more devastating than the loss of my dad.

Just the other day, I ran across a picture of my dad and it struck me that I hadn't seen his face in a while and that perplexed me.

Peace to you all . . . heart

Harmony became a Tripawd on 10/21/14 (MCT). She left us way too soon on 11/1/14.

"We miss you so much; our love, our heart, our Harmony."

- Pam, Ron and Melody, Meesha, Doublestuff and Mariah Carey

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