My heart has been heavy for 10 months, from the moment my dear beloved Rufio was diagnosed with the ugly truth of osteosarcoma. I remember not even being able to pronounce the damn word - now I say it like I'm an oncologist.

Rufio handled the amputation like a pro and was hoping around (pathetically) instantly. He never showed sadness, he always smiled and he always wagged that tail of his no matter what was going on. He handled 6 rounds of doxy/carbo like a champ and never once got sick. He proudly posed for his picture with the vet staff when they (incorrectly) celebrated that he was a cancer survivor. He didn't care, he got McDonalds out of it. He happily ventured the 1.5 hours to the CSU cancer ward every week for a few months to get checkups and blood draws and xrays - he was just excited to see new humans and other dogs! 

He kept smiling and wagging his tail as he quickly declined after being told he had 3-6 months left. He licked my face while I wept that he no longer could stand up on his own. In the middle of the night when he felt sick he'd somehow manage to stand up and cry so I knew to take him out - he had far too much modesty to go potty in the house. I'd hear him whimper as I carried his 60+ pound body up and down the stairs and down the sidewalk so he could go on grass. I knew he appreciated it but I knew it hurt.

His cough took over. His mets never grew sizable enough to affect him but his lungs filled up with fluid. The first time I drained him they took 2 liters out...I have no idea how he was breathing. Then, less than a week later they filled right back up and I drained another liter.

I knew that night at 3am in the ER that my baby needed to leave me. That feeling is nothing I could ever describe. I found no peace in it like I wanted to but instead just insurmountable pain. I stayed home from work that next day and cuddled him in bed and he breathed much better. But then 3 days later it was back with a vengeance and I knew I couldn't let him suffer no matter how much he wagged his tail and smiled at me.

Two weeks ago today. Two weeks ago at this time I held my sweet sweet angel and sang to him as I watched his breathing finally calm down. He got heavy and I knew he was gone. I fell into shock and lost all control of my body. I blacked out. I don't remember what happened next except that I was on the floor in my kitchen starring up at people.

I keep having flashbacks to that evening and especially that moment and I feel the guilt. I know he's better off and not in pain anymore but I desperately look for signs of him or anything to know he's okay. He was so dependent on me and I'm terrified he's searching for me in wherever he may be.

I went to a support group, I am reading books about pet afterlife like it's going out of business and I talk to Rufio all the time but yet I can't seem to lessen the non-stop sadness. I miss him so much. My heart hurts more. I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.