I had to say goodbye to Jake yesterday at around 5:30pm.    He had a busy weekend at the farm and just wasn't bouncing back like usual.  He had been put on Prednisone about a month ago which really increased his appetite and thirst so I think that masked a lot of what may have been going on with his kidneys.  He had a really difficult time getting up on his hind leg since Monday.  On Tuesday I could see that he was having such a difficult time so I continued to help him out as much as possible with the harness and putting a towel under his belly.  As of Tuesday evening he was not urinating or defacating.  I would help him all the way outside and he just couldn't do his business and wanted to just go back inside and lay down.  He wasn't any better Wednesday but he was still eating and drinking (because of the Prednisone).  I came home from work around 11:00am to let him out and check on him and I could tell he was not comfortable and called my vet.  She said that it sounded like the cancer had gone into his kidneys and it sounded like it was time. 

I got a few blankets and layed down next to him and told him how much I loved him and how it was okay to go… he had fought like such a hero and would always be mommy's hero and love.  I told him that he would be with Jerry of course and all of the other wonderful tripawd dogs who have passed on.  I told him that I didn't really know how to say goodbye to him because I was unsure how to live my life without him being in it.  He gave me such joy every single day.  He had this light behind his eyes which I know was Jerry inside of him, helping him just as he did after Jake's rough time after the amp surgery.  I prayed to Jerry and he helped us.  Jake kept looking me in my eyes (which is unusual for him) and I had the words in my head… “it's time Mom”.  ”It's okay Mom”.  He didn't look like he was suffering on our hour car ride to the vet's office.  He was chillin' out in the back seat looking up through the middle of the seats like he was at peace with what was to happen.  One of the vet techs helped my boyfriend get Jake out of the car and into the room.  Jake just layed right down and didn't pick up his head… as if to say… “okay guys, I'm ready.  I'm done with this broken down body.”  I held and kissed his head as he drew his last breath and it seemed so peaceful but so excruciating painful and surreal for me of course.  I knew he was at peace.  I knew it was time.  I knew Jerry was there to help him. 

He had his amputation surgery on October 14th and had a rough time getting through that but we passed that hurdle and then it was the chemo treatments that we finished in February.  He definitely had some really really super days and then he also had his share of crappy, feeling under the weather days and then a whole lot of okay days in between.  I don't have any regrets.  This journey of Jake's cancer has helped me to see that we don't have control over our lives or our loved ones lives like we think we do.  I don't think I take anything for granted anymore.  I pray every night and sometimes during the day and thank God for all of those blessings in my life (our health, our loved ones being safe and happy). 

I cried my eyes out this morning when I woke up and realized that yesterday wasn't a nightmare… it was real.  Jake (my Love) was really gone.  He has been my first thought in the morning when I wake up for the past 12 and a half years and my last thought before I go to sleep.  This is so painful and raw.  I feel like I have a huge gaping hole in my heart.

My boyfriend told me today that he kept on seeing Jake grinning from ear to ear.  He had all four legs and he was with Jerry.  My boyfriend said that he felt so strongly about what he was seeing that it made him smile all day long.  I know Jake is in heaven or “the Bridge” or whereever that place is that they go to wait to reunite with us.  I know he will be visiting us in spirit and I pray that I can be aware and open enough and experience his visit.  He is such a loving and special soul and will be terribly missed.

I truly appreciate all of the love, support, guidance and wisdom that everyone has given to us in the past 7 months on Tripawds.  This journey has changed my life for the better and I have your positive support to thank for that.  Rene, Jim and Spirit Jerry sure have certainly made this world a better place by providing this site and giving each of us support when we really need it.  Words can never thank you guys enough.  We love you.